Staying together for the sake of the kids - does it ever work?

My parents had a volatile marriage and I often wondered why they stayed together. I heard (very Victorian and unsympathetic) Grandma say to Mum, "Well, you've made your bed so you have to lie in it," and wish I'd paid more attention to the reason. It had to be Dad's very argumentative and unpleasant nature.
I guessed they stayed together because it would simply have been too disruptive or difficult to part. We children did notice and were saddened by it. It may have done us a small favour as we didn't expect marriage to be a romantic and perfect bed of roses but I couldn't wait to leave home and on the whole I think we were all damaged by the situation.

As everyone always tells you, there are going to be ups and downs in any long term relationship. Abuse should never be tolerated; but in other circumstances sometimes a really good counsellor can help you look at what is going wrong in a relationship before it is too late, and what both of you can do to help matters. But both parties have to be committed to this. And that won't always happen.

I would say now to younger people with children considering splitting up - if you really know it's not going to work, and if you do part company, try to do it amicably, and don't turn it into a war zone. Then the children will be happier, and more likely to be successful in their own relationships later on.

My marriage lasted 25 years but for 10 of those I knew it was over however with 4 children there was no way I wanted to disrupt their lives, their education and place us in jeopardy,
financially. When the first 3 passed 18 I broke the marriage and my 13 year old said she was glad I had, we managed.

I've never regretted staying when I did and leaving when I did ,it was right for me.

There is never a good or bad time to separate. Looking through the comments posted there are so many different circumstances listed.

30 years ago, I left after 20 years of marriage, 15 of which I struggled through his emotional abuse. The children, when I left, were then 16 and 18. (D had left to uni). In the latter married years my children saw a little of what was happening.
I felt throughout that time, I was unable to leave and support myself financially and only did so when I could (started new career).

I wish now I'd have left much earlier. My D has talked about how she was aware of how he treated me and it did upset her. My son was very close to his dad but 6 months after I left he asked he could come to live with me which he did.

I did secretly go to a councillor for two years, prior to leaving, on my doctor's advice.

I had one friend at work I could talk to but my parents knew nothing of my misery until I left. I went to live with them when I walked out. Stayed until I found rental accommodation.

If there is no stress in the relationship caused by any kind of abuse then it must be a difficult decision. Not loving your OH anymore means you have to consider the happiness of the children if you parted. However, any sign of distress from them could be a result of the way mum and dad are behaving in the home because they don't love each other anymore.

This has happened to my D after a 20 year partnership, They had a 14 yr old D. 18 months on, my D and GD are so happy together now with all the unhappiness behind them.

I knew we should not have married within the first 3 years, when I had 2 small children , and an unemployed husband.
But I made an objective decision to stay. If I was going to be the breadwinner, then it would be easier if my husband was a resident babysitter.
We had 2 more children, and I went to university at 36, and so did all my children. We had support from the extended family, and although my family cheered when we separated after 20years, I had a new career, the children said they had a happy childhood (we never shouted at each other) and 8 years later I met a hard working man, with whom I had a relationship for the next 15 years. So no I do not regret staying. But we are all so different...........

I think it can be very damaging for your children to stay together in an unhappy marriage which isn't working anymore unless you are very special adults who can mask all that is going on and role model a happy marriage. I can't help thinking if you can be that good at it, you'd likely have a happy marriage!
It is hell living with parents who aren't getting on, even if they don't outwardly fight. My Mother and Step-father stayed together, in theory for the sake of the children, but there was tension, infidelity (which the world knew about) and barbed comments. Although I loved my stepfather with every fibre of my being, it would have been so much better for him and us to have called it a day so much earlier.
I think it is so much better for the parents to come to an agreement to part amicably, ensure that their children have access to both of them and show unity where their children are concerned. If they move on to new relationships, if both parents are nice about things, encourage acceptance and role model how a happy relationship works, it gives far better grounding.
Happy adults tend to make happy parents which is much better in my humble opinion. I just wish my own daughter could see that but she is so terrified at being on her own, she just can't make the break.

I left a bad marriage when my children were adults . I should have left when they were children and they have been affected by things that happened. However they were so pleased when I did leave and none of us have any contact with their father ( who was abusive and controlling) and we are all much happier since I divorced

I did for 40 years and I’m so glad because when my daughter divorced the children were really damaged

Just a comment to consider... staying together
‘for the children’ would consider their feelings on either situation. My experience is that, until they are almost adults and sometimes even then, in either situation they will see themselves as somehow to blame and even responsible to mend the situation. This is probably easier to handle (love and kindness and support from both) in a separation/ divorce as there is no ongoing bickering etc to make them feel bad about themselves. And the individual parents may find it easier to give the needed love as there are no ongoing daily partner anger issues to make this harder; each may even be happier making their child care easier still.
This is a generalisation, of course., and not every child will react this way.
Hope this helps.

No personal experience, but my future son in law is really grateful his parents didn’t stay together for his and his siblings sake. He’s totally against it.

My ex left me with a 6 and 7 year old. If he had stayed i would have had heartbreak after heartbreak. He is on wife number 4. The children have little respect for him. I wish I could have chosen better. I have a friend who was in a very similar situation. Her husband had a lover - I knew and eventually she did too. They split when the children were 16 and 18 and the fallout was awful. I have come across quite a few youngsters who advised one of their parents that they should leave and wished they had separated long before. They say having 2 parents helps kids to learn to deal with conflict.............

After almost 19 years of marriage my ex started an affair with someone he met on the internet. I found out, and should have chucked him out, but as she lived hundreds of miles away, I agreed to let him stay in the spare room. I was scared of coping on my own and wanted us to get the house in a better state so we'd get a better price so we could move on more easily. I now know that was damaging for my DD who found it very stressful, especially as she was angry with her dad about the affair, and he made little effort to rebuild the relationship. However DS did a lot with his dad and I think it may have been beneficial for him, though we haven't really talked about how it affected him. Initially he said he would want to live with his dad if he moved out, but in the end he stayed with me.

My ex eventually moved out as the girlfriend moved nearer but it took a while before we got divorced as he didn't co-operate, thinking he'd do better financially if the children had left home. By the time we divorced both children were at university. I only did OK financially as he was made redundant and got a new job by emigrating, so I kept the house!

Both my children have a relationship with their dad but my DD wished I'd kicked him out when we first split, even though we didn't row too much. She just said it was too weird. Although DS did lots with his dad, he came to me for advice and says his dad was a rubbish dad! He's married now and a dad himself so hopefully he's learnt useful lessons.

I hadn't been happy for a long time before my ex's affair but I stayed with him because I believed in the vows I'd made and was trying to make things work. I thought letting him stay after the split was for the best for us all, but now I'm not so sure. It worked OK for me in the end, but not best for my DD.

I have a friend who's parents stayed together until she and her brother left home. She said it was bad for them all.

My husband left me after 23 years, my children told me they were pleased we didn’t stay together for them. He left me but to be frank he gave up on my children. They were 10 and 15. Emotionally I know they suffered. They are adults now and I have remarried. Would I have stayed with him for the kids? It never came up in conversation, however you do need to be honest to your children. Yes I do say ‘my’ children now. He has made no effort with them.

*Loobyloo12

I can’t find enough words to express how sad this has made me feel to read that your son has died. Please don’t blame yourself as we do what we feel is right at the time.
Here is a big hug from someone who has regrets also.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply - I have found each & every post so interesting ( & some very sad )
We all do what we think is right & just hope for the best, what more can we do.
And yes, hindsight is a wonderful thing.

My mum watched my husband just torturing me for his enjoyment just as my father had done to her. She always said if I wanted to leave there was always a place in her home for me because in her days it was different and she couldn't of walked out with four children, it just wasn't done. We saw and heard it all as kids, watched her just give up really, just take it all. I left my husband in the end.

There is no easy answer and it depends. I wish my mother had left my father because he was cruel to all of us. I left my children's father (who was not like my own father) and I don't really think that my children have ever really forgiven me and I continue to "pay" the price. I was very young, had recently escaped from a violent family, and not to diminish my husband who I know loved me in his own way, but I married the first man who said they loved me but I had so much to work through so...but age and hindsight is not something you can buy in a bottle.

Bless you Loobyloo. I also felt sad reading your post....but don’t beat yourself up. We do what we do. We make decisions based on how things are at the time. Hindsight is not an option at the time. If you’d taken a different route, you might still be where you are now, and wishing you’d left all those years ago. I’m so sorry for the loss of your son, but that could have happened anyway, through different circumstances. I’m glad you’re now friends with your children’s father. That’s a good positive to focus on. I wish you all the best?

My first husband told people I had left him and the children. He omitted to say one child was married and the other 19.

No, biggest mistake i ever made. A question that was put to me years later was" what on earth did you think you were teaching us ?

I stayed in a loveless marriage because I could not possibly have supported the children and myself. When my circumstances changed I told the children (all teenagers by then) that I was leaving their father. One said, “Thank God. Why didn’t you do it years ago?” None of them wanted any contact with him afterwards.

I wish my mom had left sooner. So does my brother (so does she). Of all of the people I'm friends with who's parents have separated, they are pleased they did, and likewise, wish it had been sooner. One person I know- his parents split up when he left for University is now in counselling, as he feels responsible for his parents enduring each other, their arguments and the marriage lasting far longer than it should have.