Broken by my adult daughter

When you feel like an intruder in your own home I think it is time to have a serious talk as to what is and isn't acceptable behaviour from your "guests" - they may be family but they are old enough to fend for themselves and should, I think, be seen as guests.

As someone else suggested, counselling too may help you to be more assertive and able to deal with challenging situations.

I agree that they should be asked to leave. I'd have a private conversation with your DH and once you both are on the same page, together you give a reasonable notice. Going through your phone is a violation of your privacy and if you are not respected in your own home then the individual violating needs to leave and that includes treating you disrespectfully. Maybe you complained about her in the text, so what! That is exactly what she did when she ran to your DH. WE ALL need someone to complain to It is part of how we figure out how we deal with our personal feelings.

Elainecoley1957 nobody, but nobody, should ever be cowed into submission by their own family members - in their own home.

You cannot live like this, can you? It's your home, so your rules and respect should be demanded of visitors. If they refuse, ask them to leave.

A friend of mine once called the police to remove her teenage son. He'd become insulting and threatening, in a bid to rule the roost - and made her life a misery.

It was the very best thing to do, for my friend and also her son.

Bear that in mind, if things don't improve.

I too am angry on your behalf despite not knowing you. Your children and their partners need to be gathered together and told you will not tolerate this, having to skulk around in your own house. If, as I suspect, they shout and don't listen, write to them, giving them notice. I know it is easy for us to advise, not being in among it all, but I do wonder if in your efforts to not be like your late Mother, you have bent too far and become something of a doormat ( sorry, horrible word). You are obviously an intelligent, hardworking, professional woman, what would you tell a friend in the same situation? Also, possibly a strange suggestion, but could you get their Father on side to help?

Exactly as others have said Elainecoley your daughters are abusing your kindness and hospitality. Time for some tough love, they either start to respect you and your home or move on.

Nothing to add to the excellent responses you've already received Elainecoley. I hope you'll follow the advice given and tell them they have to find somewhere else to live.

It's your D who is at fault for accessing your 'phone without your permission. There's an old saying isn't there that 'people who listen at key holes rarely hear good things about themselves'; a lesson your D has learned the hard way.

My heart goes out to you ?

Family drama when you are overwhelmed at work too in this lockdown isn’t good for your mental health Elaine. Time to issue marching orders to this bunch of entitled young adults. Give them a date, say 6 weeks hence, to use their saved monies for a rental deposit.

They are no longer children and they are abusing your kindness. They will be shocked to be asked to leave but this current situation is untenable. You have your own life to lead and crave peace in your own home.

Tell them it’s been a pleasure to have helped them but it’s time now to create the space you all need !!

Just checked back! Look at all this practical and supportive advice, Elaine and act on it.

You sound like an unselfish and kind-hearted Mum (and Daughter) who is not afraid of hard work but sadly who is being taken advantage of, possibly bullied and who is struggling with issues of self esteem.

Without going into a tangled bunch of past or current relationships, you don’t need to think of going anywhere! It would seem your daughters feel it’s perfectly ok to abuse , take advantage of and generally do what they like in YOUR HOME. That probably needs to stop. They have certainly picked up on your past problems, won’t hesitate to use their father ( who should be ashamed) to whine and complain to when things don’t go their way.

You need some back up and people in your corner. Speak to your Doctor without delay and get some advice about your situation. If you can’t speak without being shouted down, you should possibly give them their marching orders - in writing. Why are you sponsoring someone in their saving for a good life, whilst having to suffer misery in your home? Toughen up, learn to stand your corner. You are worth a lot, remember that and imagine what you’d feel if a dear friend was telling you this story. I don’t know you but I’m angry for you and the way in which your past dealings with your Mum have possibly made you feel a lesser person.

Please get some help and advice, legal if necessary. Counselling later, perhaps, when your home has been restored to a place to be in, offering you the peace and calm that you need and deserve. Good luck and warm wishes. You CAN do this.

You should not live like a servant...seen and not heard...in your own house. It's time to encourage them to leave/kick them out. Why should you be abused in this way? You daughter had no right to read anything on your phone. It's like opening someone's letters. Ex did it to me then got really upset when he saw what I'd written.

You are not your mother but have spent so long trying not to be like her that you have forgotten who you are. You do not deserve this treatment and you shouldn't tolerate it.

I can understand if you're worried they'll end up having nothing to do with you at all but would that really be any worse that the abuse you're suffering atm.

Your story sounds very hard....but it seems you’ve spent a long time trying to please people. It’s your time now, and while you may benefit from some counselling, I think your daughters need to move out if they can’t treat you with respect. You’ve done your job, the best you could. You are no longer obliged in any way to your grown up children. You don’t need to leave....they do.

Hi Elaine! You do not need all this in your life. I know we all want to support our family but you are being overwhelmed by your full time job and all these ungrateful “children” who treat you very disrespectfully. Your daughter’ partners are at fault too, by perpetuating what is adult abuse in your own home. Your ex doesn’t make it easy as he is meddling in your life. It is time to stand up for yourself which is very difficult in your circumstances. I feel you would benefit from counselling as it appears you still have issues relating to your own mother. Your children have witnessed your insecurities and think they have a right to treat you with disrespect. Counselling will enable you to change your reactions and reasoning for you to better cope with your situation. It is time to help yourself rather than others. Wishing you well. Try also to get out of the house - go for a walk, take a flask of coffee/tea, to take your mind off things.

I have no experience of this kind of family dilemma but others will no doubt be more helpful. I really feel for you & it was wrong for your daughter to go through your phone. We all have a right to privacy. Is she entirely without the sin of sharing private thoughts or unloading to A.N.Other on her phone from time to time? How would she feel after such an invasion?
In your shoes I'd put a password lock on my phone straightaway.
I'd hold a family pow wow & thrash out what's going on.
The world is still turning for the rental market, so I'd set deadlines for getting out from under your roof.
Sounds like you all need a bit of space & you need some rest, respect & headspace.
Don't even think of moving out yourself. It's your home so stop confining yourself to your room and command your space like any mother should be able to. Your children are being disrespectful and bullying.
My heart goes out to you working so hard in these troubled times.

Hi Elaine, I'm so sorry for the very difficult time you've clearly had. My suggestion would be to have some personal counselling to talk through all the issues you describe and find ways to help you deal with them. NHS offers free counselling, you don't need to be referred by your doctor. Here is the website: www.nhs.uk/conditions/counselling I do hope this helps and wish you all the best.