Can we talk about Stay at Home Mums

I do think there is a veiled criticism in what Jennifer Eccles above and some others have said, being a mum is no different if you work or not, you’re still a mum and have exactly the love for your children, the same concerns and issues.

I know some had no choice but to return to work, and it’s sad for those who would have preferred to be at home with their children. The thing is though, money isn’t the only driver, I didn’t need to go back to work, I wanted to, I had a career I loved. I’m being honest in saying I was so bored I was crawling up the walls when I was on maternity leave with my first, I’d decorated the whole house by the time she was four months old - and I was so relieved go to work to be myself again for 8 hours a day.

We’re all different, and as I said in my earlier post I wouldn’t criticise anybody who chose to stay at home, so why is is necessary to implicitly criticise those who made different choices - you may not understand us, but we are out there.

You have a point Lucca. I didn’t mean to sound judgemental about mothers who work, and as I think I said previously that we all just have to do what is best for us and our families.

As women we can come under fire whatever we do can’t we?!

There was a phrase years ago describing mothers who stayed at home with their children becoming cabbages,
Meanwhile those who worked had latch key kids.

We can’t win can we?!

Sorry Casdon, I find that so sad. After kids, I found everything else boring, and I was a nurse, probably one of the most interesting jobs in the world.

Never really understood what people meant when they asked what we SAHM's did when children started school.
My days were so much longer than my hubbies. Would start much earlier than anyone else in the family, to ensure that brekkie was ready for them as I chased them out of bed, then, getting them all properly (supervised whilst primary aged) washed, and dressed., Did the long hair of my daughters. Checked list I kept next to front door as to what each needed to take that day to school, (recorder, PE clothes, etc. etc.). Got them all out of the door and off to school. Somewhere, in between I would have piled them all into the car so that I could drive hubbie to drop off at nearest station.

Once they were all gone (assuming there were no foster babies to need bathing, etc.), would have a very quick cup of tea and then down to work. Lots of beds to tidy (even with duvets, which they all had- thank goodness no sheets and blankets), tidying up their bedrooms, somehow each day it looked like nobody had done this for months!! Check that ALL yesterdays clothes were in the washing basket, not on the floor in their rooms - start on washing, usually two loads a day, Run vaccuum cleaner over their bedroom floors.
Wash up breakfast things and start on preparation for the meal that evening. Hang out washing (if suitable weather). Collapse in heap over a quick lunch. Somewhere along the line would usually discover that at least one of them had
left something they needed at school at home, so out to take that to the school. Iron yesterdays washing.
Most weeks, at least one of them would need collecting early from school for appointment (eg: dentist, etc).
Do some baking . Sort out who needed to be taken to where for what that evening (gymnastics, swimming, music lesson, etc). Put folded clothes for following day in their rooms.

Usually managed to finish daily routine about an hour before it was time to go school to collect them - this was my time and would often pop round to a friend for a very quick chat and cup of coffee. Then off to school, pick up, and drop off at appropriate places.

Home, see if there was any problems any of them had during the day at school (argued with bestie, etc). supervise homework and such things as music practice - make them tea, stopped squabbling - collect child/children from their after-school activity - get them all bathed, ready for bed, ensuring Hubbie and mine supper was cooking. Bed time stories for those of primary school age.

By the time hubbie got home and we had our supper and washed up I was pretty exhausted - last thing was to lay table for breakfast for the following day - and fall into bed.

Of course, if any of them were unwell - I would have them with at home during the day and usually have them to sleep in our room at night.

In between all of this I was Chair of the PTA at the primary school, tried to attend some evening classes to keep my own mind working, acted as Breast Feeding Counsellor for NCT, set and ran local Twins Club - and then the National one. Was also secretary of the Foster Parents group for the borough for whom we mainly fostered.

Whenever anyone did one of those questonnaires and asked what I did - and tried to put down Unemployhed or the like I insisted that they wrote in 'Full-time Mother'. To me it was a very full-time, albeit enjoyable and fulfulling job - just did not get financial reward for it.

Working mums did all that Franbern . But we also gave our children a sense of responsibility that no-one was going to wait on them hand and foot as they got older. By 15 my DS was ironing his own shirts, something he continues to do, and their beds and bedrooms were their responsibility even earlie. I wonder how can women be really emancipated if they continue to think men and children need to be serviced for their whole lives?

I don’t think anyone should be criticised for their choices in this either way, as long the children are happy and well cared for.

This one post says it all for me. There are a million ways to live a life and we each choose one of them.

Totally agree.

Different perspectives DiscoDancer1975. I just didn’t find being away from my children for 8 hours a day made any difference at all in my relationship with them - in fact it was better than it would have been if I’d been there all day because when I was with them they had my complete attention. I had a cleaner, and an ironing lady, and we were all happy. In fact, they were proud of me having my own life and career, as I am of my daughter making her own choices, and of my son for being an enlightened man who will always do his fair share. I’ll probably get hung drawn and quartered for saying this, but they also both absolutely loved nursery, being with other children all day and learning with others was really good for them and they are both very social. No regrets at all.

I would like to add that some mothers have little choice than to be sahm. In my case , two of my three children had a medical condition, at separate times, that meant they needed hospital stays, a lot of time off school, extra help when they were at school , time taken for medical appointments etc. There is no way they could have been left with a child minder. I had no help from parents or in laws. This had a massive impact on my career aspirations. I was very lucky that we could manage just about on my husbands salary. I have known several other families in similar circumstances and in every single case, with no exception, it is the mother who stays at home.

I am glad I was able to be there for them and thankfully they both made full recovery but it did have an impact.

Anna7. That is good to hear !

Chewbacca

*I don’t think anyone should be criticised for their choices in this either way, as long the* children are happy and well cared for.

This one post says it all for me. There are a million ways to live a life and we each choose one of them.

Exactly chewbacca.

I’d just like to say Franbern that fostering is definitely a job and is thankfully recognised as such nowadays. I know most foster cares do it for the love of helping vulnerable children but it still requires skills and a workload above and beyond those of bringing up your own children. So I take my hat off to you whilst acknowledging that you were working every bit as much as anyone else who had a job outside the home

I still sent my children to nursery. Started at age 3, two mornings, and worked up to every morning just before they started school. I found that hard enough. I missed them, but knew it was good for them.

Just read Toad -in the hole's list of activities.
How on earth does she think working mothers manage? Housework, laundry, cooking, shopping doesn't disappear; it gets done in evenings and weekends. And of course, the children made their own beds and packed their own lunches and P.E.Kits.and had household jobs to do.

I've been both a SAHM and a working mum.

Most of my work has been fitted around my children, so that I have rarely missed a school event. I stayed at home with child number one, then when she started nursery I got a job there. Child number two was very ill as a baby, so I stayed at home, but also studied in the evenings. Child number three came with me to the Nursery School that I was running and by then the older two were at school and I chose my hours so that I could take time off as and when needed. I worked as a Counsellor in the evenings when the children were in bed. Following my divorce I worked and studied, but was lucky to get a job with a boss who understood that as a single parent I needed to work flexibly.

I re-married and numbers four and five came along at a time when I had to go out to work as my husband was a student (he also worked part-time). Juggling four/five children with an age span of nineteen years and also working in a very stressful job (social worker), whilst sometimes also doing an evening waitressing job, was a killer. I also continued with my (Open University) studies.

The upside was that my husband took charge of the household for many years and as a consequence his relationship with our children is exceptionally good. When he finished his University courses he went out to work full time whilst I then went to a very local University and mixed studying with part-time work and caring for the children.

Later we both worked: one full-time and one of us part-time and juggled childcare with help from childminders and au pairs.

Our children all had very different childhood experiences (one was even home-schooled), but thankfully they are very positive about their upbringing.

When I was fostering for two London Boroughs, it was NOT considered a job, just something we did as volunteers. We received no pay for this, just a very small amount towards the cost of the out-of-pocket expenses of caring for a child, I loved having babies in the home with me, and think it was an excellent education to my own children. None of my daughters had their children very young -they knew the reality of babies and toddlers, etc.

These days, I know, foster parents are paid goodly sums - and they have their insurance stamp paid. I would have very much liked the latter, as it meant that when I did finally retire,I had a vastly decreased pension as I had not earned money for so many years. Yes, this is topped up with Pension Credit - but that is not the point.

During the time we were doing this, we slowly started to introduce training programmes for foster parents, and there was a national organisation set up. Before all of that, we were very much on our own and just go ton with it. Babies\children could arrive at our home at any time of the day and night - sometimes with little advance notification. All long past now, but so pleased I did that.

I was a stay at home Mum & a worker ( but not with a career)
Did jobs around the school timings , & at times worked from home) some were interesting some not.
It is interesting how we view ‘jobs ‘ & ‘careers’
Our children are not a commodity or an accessory, but sadly sometimes it sounds like that is what they are .

I wonder if the changes in the divorce laws made a difference to the numbers of stay at home mums. Once upon a time if a husband left his wife and family he was still required to maintain his wife as well as his children. The changes were supposed to end the "meal ticket for life" as some MPs called it, and a husband is now only obliged to pay maintenance for his children
Therefore an abandoned wife who was not working would be in a very precarious position financially, having lost her position in the workplace and having to start at the very beginning again.
I think that is partly why so many mothers feel that they need to be financially independent for their own security, as an insurance policy against being left as a single parent.

This is not my own story, by the way, just a thought.

Ilovecheese, you’ve raised an important point. It’s particularly relevant for couples who don’t marry. The mothers are in an even more precarious position and often don’t realise the need legal agreements about property. I know a young woman who lived with her child’s father for ten years. She gave up work after five years when their child was born. The father had inherited and the mortgage on their five bed home in his sole name, as were all utilities. He asked her to move out with mo notice, he has a new partner. Her solicitor said she could not claim anything from the house, maintenance for herself and could expect £75 per week towards the care of their child. She’d had a well paid job before their baby arrived and her income went into family pot.
I agree with you that many women realise they need financial security and pension pot.

* eazybea* I didn’t give a list of activities. That was Franbern. Yes, I appreciate it must be hard if you have to work....that makes me sad, but in my opinion.....and that’s all it is...my opinion, I don’t understand the working career ‘ mum’. Why have children just for someone else to bring up? It makes no sense to me...but I accept we all think differently.

But someone else is not bringing them up! Other people might be caring for them for part of the time, but that is not “bringing them up” .

Toadinthehole, are you saying that a woman should choose between having a career and having children, because in your opinion being a career woman somehow means you love them less than other mothers do, or that it makes you an inadequate mother because you don’t spend 100% of your time with your children? I can see from some of the other posts that there are other people who agree with that view.
I have no shame in wanting to use my education and skills to manage a career and enjoy work, and bring up my children well at the same time, what I don’t understand is why those who made different choices feel the need to be critical about it. I hope you all encourage your daughters to make the choices that are right for them, which in many cases will be different to yours.

So are you saying, Toadinthehole, that ALL poor families who need the mum to work should just not have had children? Because our society would crumble without the working class. THEY provide the labour power that creates the profit in an economy. Without them, there would be no society.

Do you remember the prevailing mantra in the 80’s ‘women can have it all’ ......what it really meant was that Mothers could work a 9 to 5 job and still get to do all the housework and childcare and shopping! Wonderful eh?

Chewbacca

*I don’t think anyone should be criticised for their choices in this either way, as long the* children are happy and well cared for.

This one post says it all for me. There are a million ways to live a life and we each choose one of them.

Exactly ??????