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Would you say anything to exDIL?

(13 Posts)
Nanamar Mon 18-Jan-21 16:38:38

A few weeks ago, I posted that the issues affecting DS (divorce, depression, jobless,) in addition to DH being quite ill, were making it difficult for me to be happy. In addition, my ex DIL, who has no parents, had been confiding in me that she wasn’t happy with the amount of time that DS was sharing child care. For months and months she and I have been in constant communication about various things, usually via texting, and we even had a “girls’ getaway” together back in Nov. She and DGS live in the house, a mile away, that DH and I helped them purchase prior to the split and DS lives with us. DGS is here various times, a few days per week, while DIL is working from home. Right after the New Year she told me she wanted a more predictable schedule both in terms of DGS sleeping over one night each week and to know in advance when DS would be coming to the house in which she resides rather than “random” visiting. I agreed this would help all of us and we’ve started that routine. Since that time, there’s been “radio silence” from her. No more texts at 10 pm about random topics, friendly chats, etc. It’s as if she’s decided to put more distance between us. I should be glad? But the abrupt shift is disconcerting. Would you comment about it to her?

GagaJo Mon 18-Jan-21 16:40:46

Do you see just as much as your grandson as before?

cornishpatsy Mon 18-Jan-21 16:44:55

I would just send a friendly text asking if everything is ok as you miss the texts.

Could it be that she has met somebody else and that is why she wanted to stop random visits and wanted a definite over night stay for your grandchild, maybe she thinks that you would disapprove.

GagaJo Mon 18-Jan-21 16:47:16

It could well be that she is trying to move on mentally and emotionally. You ARE her ex MiL. If you see just as much of your DGS, I would try to accept it. But yes, send her a message saying you miss and her hope she is well.

Hithere Mon 18-Jan-21 17:06:19

I see your relationship with her was more friend- coparent.

Her suggestion of a consistent schedule for the child is excellent - I am so glad you made it work.

Could it be that she is busy now and less time for chatting? She has more work?
Could she try to get the father more involved instead of relying so much on you?

I dont think it is a negative thing. She is working towards a more collaborative coparenting relationship with the father and you still have access to your gs.

Nonogran Mon 18-Jan-21 17:59:06

Yep, I reckon she's looking for a more structured routine and this might have come from a need to move on slightly & forge a new life style.
Maybe she has or feels ready to begin a new relationship with a routine she can count on for the benefit of that? I think it's lovely that you two have such a good relationship but, maybe you must just allow her some space from now on. Could it be that the nightime texts are less because she's otherwise engaged in texting with A.N.Other? Step back, let her breath but maintain a friendly relationship.

Smileless2012 Mon 18-Jan-21 18:10:48

I agree about sending a text, something light and chatty and ending it with 'hoping everything's OK'. It's great to hear that your ex d.i.l. continues to facilitate your relationship with your GS.

crazyH Mon 18-Jan-21 18:19:47

Maintain cordiality with your d.I.l for the sake of your GS...but I doubt a ‘friendship’ will be tenable in the long run. It will get complicated when new partners etc come on the scene. I know it. My middle son’s girlfriend, was not too happy about my continuing contact with his ex-girlfriend.

sodapop Mon 18-Jan-21 19:07:01

You have done a great job of supporting your ex daughter in law and grandson Nanamar they are lucky indeed. As everyone else has said maybe now is the time to pull back a little,
I agree with Smileless send a light hearted text just to check everything is ok.

Madgran77 Mon 18-Jan-21 19:33:45

I think a friendly text along the lines of "Hi how's life" and maybe a short little anecdote or bit of news, is a good way forward. The relationship may well change over time but it doesn't necessarily have to disappear, just change flowers

nadateturbe Mon 18-Jan-21 20:09:50

I agree re sending a friendly text. But possibly things will change as your ex DiL moves on. You have been and still are a wonderful support.

nadateturbe Tue 19-Jan-21 05:42:36

I've just tried to buy something else on Amazon from two different sellers. The annoying thing is I go through the whole process before it says cant deliver to that location. Both advertised as "Available in the UK" and should include NI.

nadateturbe Tue 19-Jan-21 07:47:00

Sorry. Wrong thread.