Hi.
Hope everyone is staying safe, and as sane as it's possible to be in this crazy world.
My dearest friend, my 'ride or die' soul sister is in a really awful place in her life, and I am sitting here, in despair.
A little background. We have been friends for over 30 years, though all the ups and downs of life together, deaths, divorces, ill health.. you get the picture. She is genuinely one of the best people I know. Eg, in spite of what's happening below she is caring for her elderly neighbor who lost her husband 3 years ago. Daily, plus shopping etc.
She works from home. 12 years ago she was a fitness freak, endless energy. Then her thyroid went haywire and over the last years she has become a lot heavier, which is not helping her knees, hips and back. The fact that she is spending hours sitting at a computer has given her neck problems.
She has no energy at all, is depressed and anxious and has become nocturnal. Her work are worried and have given her the whole of january off.
Her house is so bad that she won't let me or her family in. She has been sleeping on a couch for 2+ years as she can't get to her bed. Her kitchen is stacked with old take away cartons, dirty crockery, empty tins. She has had several fly infestations and has now told me she thinks she has rats.
She has no running water in the kitchen and is too embarrassed to call a plumber because of the state of her house.
There's some OCD mixed in with this. For example months ago I went in and washed, under strict instructions, all the recycling. 3 bin bags full. She recently told me that she had been so worried that I hadn't done it properly, she had stashed it all away 'somewhere' to do later, and of course never has.
She has recently had 2 falls, one where she bruised the whole side of her body, the other she has hurt her leg and back. She also fainted last week.
I have spent months talking to her every day gently, knowing that this is a mental health issue and barging in and trying to take control would not be a good thing to do to her.
She is now openly talking about being a hoarder, having OCD and actually asked for me to recommend a therapist (I'm retired CPN) But taking her time over making the call.
The day before yesterday she rang me to tell me that she had written an e-consult email to her docs and asked for blood tests for thyroid (about 18mths overdue) and said about her hoarding, OCD, anxiety etc.
The doc had written straight back, arranged for her to go to the surgery early afternoon the next day (yesterday) for a full set of blood tests. He said he would call her in a few days when the results came in, He also arranged for the surgeries Mental Health Nurse to call her yesterday.
My friend was not happy. She wanted a chance to talk, explain to the doc. I spent much time calming her down and helping her to see that the doc was right. Best practice is to rule out any physical conditions that might be bringing her so low. Plus MH Nurse would be calling and my friend could talk to her..
So yesterday evening I called her to ask how it had all gone. She told me she hadn't made it to the blood test as having a bad nights sleep, she slept through the 2.00pm appointment. She had also missed the call from the nurse and hadn't listened to the message the nurse left.
And something in me just gave way. I don't know what to do. I feel she's at risk due to the amount of stuff , the falls, the lack of monitoring her thyroid, the infestations, her mental health...
I got a little tough with her last night over many hours of whatsapp. She kept telling me to drop it, she was tired. I said that might be a reason, but no excuse for not looking after herself a teeny bit. IE go get the blood test.. I offered to take her. That I loved her, and trusted her with anything except her promises to look after herself, that I was tired of listening to the same mantras for years, whilst watching her deteriorate...
I know there is a few of us who love her dearly and are worried. We have never got together to discuss it. I'm wondering if a form of intervention might help, or shatter what's left of her dignity.
I'm pretty sure she is hurt and upset from my kind of tough love last night. I have no idea whether it was the right thing to do or not.
when does support become enabling?
I'd really appreciate some advice, from people who have issues hoarding, people who have lived with, loved, known great friends with these issues. Professionals...
If you've read this far thank you for taking the trouble.