Suggestions for responses that won’t kill a friendship

You say that "she quickly asks how we all are ....." Do you actually tell her or do you do what most of us are guilty of and just say something like "fine"? Don't be in a hurry to end this friendship, especially during these strange times when we all need people to talk and vent to.

'I hate to lose my cool and damage this relationship because it’s been such a long one. Any suggestions?'

Longevity of a relationship isn't of itself a reason for maintaining it. I'd question whether you actually want to maintain it.

If you do, then surely with a real friend you can explain that you are overwhelmed and cannot have frequent lengthy conversations from anybody; how about half an hour once a week (or similar).
If she persists in gabbling only about herself, you may need to rethink things.

Nanamar I have a similar friend, but she does have other friends to call. She does have an adopted daughter who tries to ignore her. She has a bad habit of eating while talking (something I loathe). I called her last night which was lucky, she had something on at 9 pm so we didn't go on too much. Phew! I know she has got a difficult life, I try not to be too snappy with her (difficult)
Definitely the doorbell idea a good one or if your DH can ring another phone?

I have had a similar problem for several years. To be kind I blame loneliness for my friend’s total ignorance or caring for my situation. I don’t feel flattered that I’m the one she turns to over every minute detail of her life. I hate to be blunt or seem rude but there are times when her calls are really inconvenient and I have to cut them short.
In my case the friend does have other contacts and I think she is on the phone most of the day and evening. She isn’t housebound but says the phone is her lifeline. I blame BT ! For a small monthly fee her calls are free for unlimited minutes so her average call is 90 minutes. Some people are very thoughtless and selfish and there’s no hope they’ll change.

Mumofmadboys, excellent idea! Something random. It actually does work. Perhaps the more self absorbed the person is, they would try to steer the conversation back to emotional vampire mode.
Just watch the politicians they do it all the time.

Easy. Just don't answer the calls all the time. Let it go to voicemail. Answer, or call back, when it's convenient for you and if the call is going on too long, say sorry, but a pan is boiling over or somebody is at the door and end the call. Don't need to be rude or unkind, just a bit less available.

I have a friend like this. She talks about herself and her family all the time. Her children and grandchildren adore her (she says) and so did her deceased husband. I try my best to be her friend but she has absolutely no interest in me or my life except on a very superficial level, and I know that other people avoid her which is a shame as she loves talking to people and likes to buy birthday presents for people etc. This is not new, she has always been the same. She has never learnt how to be a better friend she's too self centred.

My mum used to do the doorbell trick with her sister in law when she phoned to moan about anything and everything. I rang the doorbell one day when she phoned while I was visiting my mum as she just couldn't get her off the phone. My mum soon started it then, my aunt must if thought my mum was very popular.

It's very difficult isnt it when you dont want to hurt someone's feelings but all along they are hurting yours! I had a friend whom I'd known since were 5, we started school together and remained friends until our mid 50s, holidaying together yearly on weekend breaks etc but the relationship was very one sided. She was never interested in any of my news and would just shrug when I told her anything or, if we were out for coffee, lunch etc would constantly look over my shoulder, instead of at me, to see who else was around. My DH and DD picked up on it long before I did and used to say that I never seemed very happy when I arrived home after seeing her. Things came to a head (after a few noticeable being ignored situations) when my dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness and she just brushed it aside and wasnt supportive at all. I did eventually speak with her about her attitude and she finally admitted she was jealous of me. I've no idea why but possibly your friend is rather envious of what she perceives as you being needed by your family, while she has no-one. I doubt she will change but good advice has already been given as to the handling of the situation. Only you know if you still want her in your life. Good Luck.

i got a SIL like that. i know she a widow but has been 18yrs
now. all i get is( you not know how i have to cope i on my own
at least you got ray her brother )i get fed up she has a man friend and go rambling with him in and out of group. she out more then us with new friends but still goes on as if she so hard done by . you cant win with these sort of people .

Just become less available, a relationship starved of oxygen dies.
Alternatively" I know you will understand and not take this personally, but I have decided to restrict sending and receiving phone calls to friends to once a week, preferably at a pre-arranged time. I am not in a good place right now. I feel I have nothing left in me to give to others that would be of any use and I only end up feeling completely drained myself. I need some down time to get my head together again." Can I suggest we have a weekly catch up from 2-2.30 every Monday?

I would distance yourself from her! Make it difficult for her to get in touch by blocking her calls etc.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but you have quite enough on your plate just now and you can really do without a friend who is as self-centered as this woman sounds!
I have cut off/distanced myself from several friends and even a family member recently! My husband and I were forced into bankruptcy in 2012, through no fault of our own. We now live in very much reduced circumstances, which has seriously affected my mental health! Some of my so-called friends, and even my own daughter, who has a rich partner, constantly go on about the things they have bought, the several holidays a year they take etc etc, knowing full well how difficult life is for me and my husband!
Some folks will say I am just jealous, and while that's probably true, I didn't expect to end up having the life I have after a nursing career of over 30 years! Both my husband and I had to retire early due to poor health, so there's zero chance of us increasing our income! My daughter and her partner even view us as Benefit Scroungers as we have been forced to claim disability benefits just to survive! Other friends have made indirect comments that the taxes they pay are supporting the likes of us!
I have suffered very badly with depression since the bankruptcy, and have even been hospitalised following a suicide attempt! So now, I can do without people who make me feel useless and inadequate! Only you can make the choice as how to deal with your friend! Good luck, whatever choice you make! Also, sending hugs to both you and your husband - dealing with ill health as you get older can be very challenging and stressful! xx

Maybe just say that, - at present you are very busy with family and restrict the call to once a week and then see how it makes you feel. If you find yourself dreading it maybe time to ease off on the relationship.

Will someone please explain all these initials...DS DH, AS?! Im totally confused!

This is not a friendship - this is a needy, demanding, self centred lonely person preying on your good nature. That siad of course you too need a friend and maybe she fills a little gap, if not very well! Some really good ideas above:
Ring your own doorbell (I'been guilty of that), or just say "oh there's a delivery man coming up the path, better go".
Tell her you will arrange a chat-time date, make a cuppa and put your feet up and gear yourself up for 'listening-time'
Be unavailable, sometimes you are
Find some better quality friends!
I can tell from your message that you are a kind, caring, generous and loving person who wants to do the right thing by your family so don't feel bad about withdrawing a little from those who drain your energy even further, you are not a bad person. From the posts I have read, we are all thinking of you and your dilemma and admiring your strength, courage and commitment.

I think most of us can say we have had a friend just like this and many also will have been guilty of doing the same thing as your friend!
The way I see it is this - do you really want to continue having her as a friend?
She lives on her own and has really no one else to think of but herself and she only seems to have you to complain to !
Next time that she calls, and starts on her usual rant , just say " I need to stop you there" and then say that you know she has problems but this is what your day is like.
She may be so thoughtless that she hasn't even bothered to wonder how you are coping with everything. If she tries to go one better with her complaints, just end the phone call with "I'm sorry, I have to go, my husband needs my help in the bathroom. we'll catch up some other time" If you say it enough times, she will either get the hint or just stop calling.
Sorry, but in my book she really isn't a friend.

Perhaps when she starts by asking how you are you could really take some time telling her, without letting her interrupt, then thank her for the call, say how you appreciated her asking after you all, but now you have to go and say you'll phone her next time, next week/ Thursday etc, and make sure you do. In the meantime don't answer the phone to her. She obviously needs to talk about her worries too, as it's awful being alone all day every day, but try this at least every other call and she should get the message.
It's perfectly reasonable to discourage her from lifting the phone to you all the time by not answering, as you simply don't have the time. You could even tell her up front that you might be too busy to reply but you will ring her when you have time.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

deefletch I was puzzled by the secret names for ages but here is a link to the page that cracks the code

www.gransnet.com/info/acronyms

All Fab advise I've got a sister like that & have finally snapped was never very good at protecting myself although I do send her the odd photos of my granchildren cos I can't be that mean but I have to look after my own sanity because have alway suffered severe depression & she was the last person I needed (and my mother come to that) because they couldn't deal with it sorry for waffle

And an ex husband who was also the worst person I needed

Yes I have one like that or potentially as she does not have my phone number! I knew her from school so 60 plus yrs ago but was never a 'friend' then. But in doing a reunion contact list, she has latched on. I am deaf in one ear and say I do not like using mobile phone on good ear and keep contact to email. She has been in hospital a lot over past two years so I seem to be the handy person to do stuff/drive though less so now with covid. She is now confined to top floor apartment with carers daily. No family in her life now and other friends have fallen away. So several emails every day which I have filtered them out of main inbox so they do not 'alert' on phone.

That’s a common one people off loading and leaving you feeling exhausted. When she rings give her just a minute then interrupt her abruptly. Tell her that you have a lot to do that needs your attention. That you don’t have time now and put the phone down.
The next time she rings say you have to go you are very busy. You do sound a person who is tolerant but under pressure don’t feel guilty give yourself some space. You don’t have to fall out with her. Just manage the time you give her stringently she is full of her own importance.

Just tell her we all have our crosses to bear and change the conversation .

I have an old school friend like this who is married, but chose to be childless. She blahs on about her family, brags about their wealth, etc but never asks one question about mine, and my daughter is her goddaughter, whose birthday she has never marked, not even by a card. Sometimes I suspect she might be envious of my life, as I am fortunate to have some loyal friends. I took her to stay with some relatives, and on another occasion a close friend. To my dismay, they both contacted me and said come and visit us any time, but don’t bring ——-. She seems to send out disapproving vibes that make people feel uncomfortable. I feel rather sorry for her even though she bores the kecks off me so put up with her selfishness. I would freeze off this friend of yours as she is exhausting you emotionally.