Suggestions for responses that won’t kill a friendship

This is not a friendship - this is a needy, demanding, self centred lonely person preying on your good nature. That siad of course you too need a friend and maybe she fills a little gap, if not very well! Some really good ideas above:
Ring your own doorbell (I'been guilty of that), or just say "oh there's a delivery man coming up the path, better go".
Tell her you will arrange a chat-time date, make a cuppa and put your feet up and gear yourself up for 'listening-time'
Be unavailable, sometimes you are
Find some better quality friends!
I can tell from your message that you are a kind, caring, generous and loving person who wants to do the right thing by your family so don't feel bad about withdrawing a little from those who drain your energy even further, you are not a bad person. From the posts I have read, we are all thinking of you and your dilemma and admiring your strength, courage and commitment.

Will someone please explain all these initials...DS DH, AS?! Im totally confused!

Maybe just say that, - at present you are very busy with family and restrict the call to once a week and then see how it makes you feel. If you find yourself dreading it maybe time to ease off on the relationship.

I would distance yourself from her! Make it difficult for her to get in touch by blocking her calls etc.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but you have quite enough on your plate just now and you can really do without a friend who is as self-centered as this woman sounds!
I have cut off/distanced myself from several friends and even a family member recently! My husband and I were forced into bankruptcy in 2012, through no fault of our own. We now live in very much reduced circumstances, which has seriously affected my mental health! Some of my so-called friends, and even my own daughter, who has a rich partner, constantly go on about the things they have bought, the several holidays a year they take etc etc, knowing full well how difficult life is for me and my husband!
Some folks will say I am just jealous, and while that's probably true, I didn't expect to end up having the life I have after a nursing career of over 30 years! Both my husband and I had to retire early due to poor health, so there's zero chance of us increasing our income! My daughter and her partner even view us as Benefit Scroungers as we have been forced to claim disability benefits just to survive! Other friends have made indirect comments that the taxes they pay are supporting the likes of us!
I have suffered very badly with depression since the bankruptcy, and have even been hospitalised following a suicide attempt! So now, I can do without people who make me feel useless and inadequate! Only you can make the choice as how to deal with your friend! Good luck, whatever choice you make! Also, sending hugs to both you and your husband - dealing with ill health as you get older can be very challenging and stressful! xx

Just become less available, a relationship starved of oxygen dies.
Alternatively" I know you will understand and not take this personally, but I have decided to restrict sending and receiving phone calls to friends to once a week, preferably at a pre-arranged time. I am not in a good place right now. I feel I have nothing left in me to give to others that would be of any use and I only end up feeling completely drained myself. I need some down time to get my head together again." Can I suggest we have a weekly catch up from 2-2.30 every Monday?

i got a SIL like that. i know she a widow but has been 18yrs
now. all i get is( you not know how i have to cope i on my own
at least you got ray her brother )i get fed up she has a man friend and go rambling with him in and out of group. she out more then us with new friends but still goes on as if she so hard done by . you cant win with these sort of people .

It's very difficult isnt it when you dont want to hurt someone's feelings but all along they are hurting yours! I had a friend whom I'd known since were 5, we started school together and remained friends until our mid 50s, holidaying together yearly on weekend breaks etc but the relationship was very one sided. She was never interested in any of my news and would just shrug when I told her anything or, if we were out for coffee, lunch etc would constantly look over my shoulder, instead of at me, to see who else was around. My DH and DD picked up on it long before I did and used to say that I never seemed very happy when I arrived home after seeing her. Things came to a head (after a few noticeable being ignored situations) when my dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness and she just brushed it aside and wasnt supportive at all. I did eventually speak with her about her attitude and she finally admitted she was jealous of me. I've no idea why but possibly your friend is rather envious of what she perceives as you being needed by your family, while she has no-one. I doubt she will change but good advice has already been given as to the handling of the situation. Only you know if you still want her in your life. Good Luck.

My mum used to do the doorbell trick with her sister in law when she phoned to moan about anything and everything. I rang the doorbell one day when she phoned while I was visiting my mum as she just couldn't get her off the phone. My mum soon started it then, my aunt must if thought my mum was very popular.

I have a friend like this. She talks about herself and her family all the time. Her children and grandchildren adore her (she says) and so did her deceased husband. I try my best to be her friend but she has absolutely no interest in me or my life except on a very superficial level, and I know that other people avoid her which is a shame as she loves talking to people and likes to buy birthday presents for people etc. This is not new, she has always been the same. She has never learnt how to be a better friend she's too self centred.

Easy. Just don't answer the calls all the time. Let it go to voicemail. Answer, or call back, when it's convenient for you and if the call is going on too long, say sorry, but a pan is boiling over or somebody is at the door and end the call. Don't need to be rude or unkind, just a bit less available.

Mumofmadboys, excellent idea! Something random. It actually does work. Perhaps the more self absorbed the person is, they would try to steer the conversation back to emotional vampire mode.
Just watch the politicians they do it all the time.

I have had a similar problem for several years. To be kind I blame loneliness for my friend’s total ignorance or caring for my situation. I don’t feel flattered that I’m the one she turns to over every minute detail of her life. I hate to be blunt or seem rude but there are times when her calls are really inconvenient and I have to cut them short.
In my case the friend does have other contacts and I think she is on the phone most of the day and evening. She isn’t housebound but says the phone is her lifeline. I blame BT ! For a small monthly fee her calls are free for unlimited minutes so her average call is 90 minutes. Some people are very thoughtless and selfish and there’s no hope they’ll change.

Nanamar I have a similar friend, but she does have other friends to call. She does have an adopted daughter who tries to ignore her. She has a bad habit of eating while talking (something I loathe). I called her last night which was lucky, she had something on at 9 pm so we didn't go on too much. Phew! I know she has got a difficult life, I try not to be too snappy with her (difficult)
Definitely the doorbell idea a good one or if your DH can ring another phone?

'I hate to lose my cool and damage this relationship because it’s been such a long one. Any suggestions?'

Longevity of a relationship isn't of itself a reason for maintaining it. I'd question whether you actually want to maintain it.

If you do, then surely with a real friend you can explain that you are overwhelmed and cannot have frequent lengthy conversations from anybody; how about half an hour once a week (or similar).
If she persists in gabbling only about herself, you may need to rethink things.

You say that "she quickly asks how we all are ....." Do you actually tell her or do you do what most of us are guilty of and just say something like "fine"? Don't be in a hurry to end this friendship, especially during these strange times when we all need people to talk and vent to.

I feel a bit sorry for your friend, being alone and lonely and with nobody to talk to except you. However, this friendship is obviously not good for you with all your problems, of which she seems to have no concept. There are some good suggestions here and I think a time limit of maybe 10 or 15 minutes is a good one. You gave been a good friend for a long time and she is taking advantage of your good nature.

I think I would just be honest with her. Say you have alot on your plate atm and need her to be more positive as you feel negative enough as it is. If she is as good a friend as you say she is, she will take it on the chin and step up! I hope you are ok. I think you need to ask your son to pull his weight a bit round the house too.

I am with RoseJ on this one...if you are getting nothing out of the relationship, it’s time to end it. If you still want it to continue then you need to be firm. Tell her you only have limited time available to chat and suggest you have a regular catch up once a week at a specific time. Also, when she asks how you all are, tell her! Don’t do the British thing of “fine thankyou”....relationships are two way things: offload to her for a change! Good luck!

I agree with so many wise words here. She is using you to offload with no consideration for you. I used to be the person everyone-else came to with their problems and was becoming resentful but felt guilty if I didn't. (Of course, when I had a problem, they were nowhere to be found!) Seeing a counsellor helped me to become more assertive, so (if I may) I'll share some of her excellent advice. (1) You are encouraging her behaviour by putting up with it (you're actually enabling her to be a nuisance). (2) As she has no other friends, she clearly needs to learn that using other people like this is not acceptable - otherwise she will end up very lonely (even more than she is now). The more you enable her, the longer it will take her to learn this. (3) We teach people how to treat us - you have put up with this for so long that you've "taught" her that it's acceptable. I agree with others - start setting an alarm or ring the doorbell, or even tell her straight - I'm out of the door in 10 minutes (have an excuse ready) and then the alarm goes off and you have to say goodbye. Get a call monitor - if it's her, don't answer it. Gradually, you will find that she calls less and less (if she's not getting what she wants). And please don't worry about letting her go - sometimes we form friendship at a particular time in our life, for a particular reason, but then that reason passes and we realise that we have nothing in common and we're dreading seeing them (or hearing from them). And, personally, I would categorise her as a People User and not a friend.

You say the reason for maintaining this relationship is because it's been a long one. Not really a good reason. Sounds like it's run its course !

I have a similar friend. I often don't pick up the call when she rings. That doesn't mean I rudely and nastily ignore her for ages but I do ring back when it suits me and that might mean she needs to wait an hour or so.

I just say I was busy working from home or dealing with my elderly relations or some other time-consuming task.

If I do pick up the call, I sometimes say I can only talk for 15 mins because I have an appointment to attend. This means that the conversation is more controlled from my point of view.

My friend does have admirable qualities but she can drone on....... and it is often about nothing.

tends to need to talk about something right away as it pops into her head, before it pops out again (we are both, after all, 70 and we do tend to forget things at times

Say you are going to have a notepad next to phone or wherever to note down anything you want to tell her when you speak...suggest she does the same "don't want us forgetting anything ...etc etc "

Thanks for all the suggestions. I have not been too successful at “protecting” myself because everywhere I turn someone seems to need something from me and, in my opinion, my family’s needs are more urgent than her need to unload about what are not, again in my opinion, quite as critical. I love the idea presented in the last post and will try although along with being somewhat self-absorbed this person has difficulty delaying gratification and tends to need to talk about something right away as it pops into her head, before it pops out again (we are both, after all, 70 and we do tend to forget things at times.

You’ve articulated it so well in your post....why not just show her it? You don’t have time to wait for her to take hints. The problem with ignoring and avoiding is...the problem is still there....lurking. You need to be honest, because until you are, she’ll stay the same. It would be a shame if she had no clue you felt like this, and all it would have taken was a conversation. You could save a friendship. On the other hand, if she’s just selfish and expects to be a priority, you’d be well rid of her. Your family matter, friends come and go. All the best?

I agree with the above. You don't have time for hints and anyway why bother. Telling her doesn't have to be confrontational or "losing your cool". But I do think that your long friendship has developed a particular dynamic which just doesn't work for you in your present stressful situation.

Maybe something like: (bit stilted written down but hopefully you can get the gist of the key points)

"I need to say something to you. Are you ok to listen now or shall we arrange a time to chat? ......We have been friends for a long time and I love that and the fact that we can chat so freely to each other. At the moment we both seem to have so much on our plates ...you with (mum/brother/renovations etc ) and me with DH so seriously ill which means that I have to deal with all his medical issues and household stuff and I find that very stressful. Also with AS struggling after the divorce and being depressed and doing childcare I honestly find myself feeling quite overwhelmed at times. I am so grateful for your friendship and I really appreciate that I can tell you now how I am feeling about the situation"

Now if her response is along the lines of "Oh" followed by a long list of her own woes then I think you have to seriously consider the value of this friendship or just accept it will never be different.

If she shows sympathy, asks questions and truly listens then you can follow on with:

"Because my time is so taken up with all the medical and household stuff and helping AS I would find it helpful to agree a time for us to call each other maybe once (twice??) a week for a nice catch up and to tell each other our woes and also any nice bits of news too. That way we can both really focus on each other which is so much better. How does that sound to you?"

..."if either of us can't make the time, we can always text each other and rearrange."

Of course you may have different ideas about what arrangement would work for you but the principles of the conversation remain the same. I hope you can sort it out.

I have a terrible phone the volume on the ringer keeps on getting quieter and I miss quite a lot, very convenient I can call back later. If I am in a rush I set the timer which sounds just like an incoming call a few words and make my exit.

Smartphones can be such a blessing if you make them work for you!.