Suggestions for responses that won’t kill a friendship

You’ve articulated it so well in your post....why not just show her it? You don’t have time to wait for her to take hints. The problem with ignoring and avoiding is...the problem is still there....lurking. You need to be honest, because until you are, she’ll stay the same. It would be a shame if she had no clue you felt like this, and all it would have taken was a conversation. You could save a friendship. On the other hand, if she’s just selfish and expects to be a priority, you’d be well rid of her. Your family matter, friends come and go. All the best?

I have often found that people who have never had children are self absorbed. Most women become less self centred after having a child. I have a long-standing unmarried, childless friend who, although lovely in many ways, is selfish and self centred. Doubt your friend will change now so do as others have suggested and find ways of cutting these calls short.

She doesn't seem a real friend to you. And yes, Monica is right, you don't have to pick up every time she calls you. being a shoulder to cry on isn't friendship, she just uses you to comfort herself.

In this situation you have to consider yourself Nanamar as well as supporting your friend. Calls like this are quite draining and I agree with others about time limiting them. Good suggestion from momb about introducing a positive thought into the conversation.

Is she really a friend or is she just using you? I’d be wondering. It is hard just now with the way things are but I would be gradually weaning her off. You have enough problems in your life, you don’t need more. I would be perfectly frank and say after 10 minutes or so that you just have to go and do whatever, thanks for ringing. Talk to you soon. Bye. I have had this situation myself a couple of times and it is easy to get sucked in because you do feel pity for people. Sometimes you just have to put yourself and your own family first, though.

i agree with MOnica. You don't have to pick up each time she rings. Ring her back later when you can give her 5-10 mins Then after a chat leave it on a bright note saying 'talk to you later, bye.

Why not ignore some of her calls, and when she rings back, say; I am sorry I didn't pick your call up but I was doing....... (and describe some really dreary or time consuming job: helping clear up after children after some kind of messy disaster; clean and tidy bathroom after DH has had a shower/bath, catch up with the washing/ironing.

Plus the suggestions above for shortening the calls.

It’s very draining to have a friend like this and you have enough on your plate to be her ‘shoulder to cry on’. I had a friend like this who I worked with. I used to pick her up and take her home. Tried to be supportive and include her in get togethers, took her to the cinema etc etc. In the end , I left the job and gradually lost touch with her. She used to drain any joy or happiness from me.

After knowing her for about 4 years, I knew everything about her and her life. One day she said to me , I didn’t know you had two sons and a daughter! ?. Wean her off you gradually.

Could you try and change the conversation entirely? Mention you saw your first snowdrops this year and this raised your spirits and made you look forward to Spring?-Try and help her in the art of positive thinking?

I have noticed that people are lonely because they talk too much and talk too much because they are lonely.

I'm sorry I have nothing to add to the above - the doorbell trick may be the answer...

Agree with others to find a way to limit the time of the calls. We all are under stress in our own way, but she is too self centred to see your situation, and to be concerned for you.

After 5 or 10 minutes, say your husband is calling you for assistance, and she may eventually get the hint. Also try to change the subject. I know there isn't an awful lot to talk about these days, but mention a TV show, or the news, or some neighborhood going-on just to keep the subject away from her moaning.

don't let her add to your stress with long self-centred phone calls. you can state your limits, and curtail it.

could you just tell here something of your reality, but in an understated way, eg
i'm not the person to advise you, i am in need of help myself, am absolutely exhausted all the time, that's how it is looking after someone who is ill. i wouldn't have any other way. it's a privilege to be here for him, and he is my priority. and need to go now and sort out his medication. i hope you'll feel brighter soon.

Get someone to ring the doorbell or your mobile after 10 minutes and tell her you have to go. There’s a reason she has no friends. Not really sure that there is an answer. Even if you tell her how she affects you I doubt it would get through to her. If she started asking after your family it wouldn’t be genuine so wouldn’t really help.

Our last house was in a terrace and our neighbour was like that. She didn’t even realise we had three children living with us. She was totally self absorbed but we couldn’t complain that she was nosey!