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Would you continue this acquaintance?

(14 Posts)
Shandy57 Fri 29-Jan-21 23:24:06

Hello, about five years ago I made a new acquaintance, we used to go to the cinema, meals, an occasional coffee and chat. At the time she lived with her daughter and SIL, but recently moved into the house next door to them. She knows I live alone, and have been alone the whole of lockdown. In the past she has let me down at the last minute and I've been left sitting alone waiting quite regularly - punctures, wrong day, felt sick, etc. My daughter said she is just a 'flaky' friend and not to be upset about it. When she became a grandmother a few years ago she had to take on responsibility for the baby from the very beginning, and I accepted she was too busy to socialise, so we just emailed occasionally. The last time I saw her was in January 2020 when I paid for her to go to the cinema as my treat. The last email I received from her was in mid November, I sent her a Christmas card as usual, I didn't receive one from her. She also 'forgets' my birthday.

She's just emailed again for the first time since November, apparently she yet again had problems with her home technology. Would you continue with this acquaintance?

Chestnut Fri 29-Jan-21 23:29:26

It sounds like you give and she takes so unless you want to continue with this one-sided friendship then I would just shut it down. Don't reply. That is the best way to end this kind of relationship.

Urmstongran Fri 29-Jan-21 23:30:02

I think your daughter is right. She’s a flakey friend by the sounds of it. But it doesn’t have to be an all or nothing choice unless you make it so. Perhaps accept her for who she is and broaden your circle of friends so that you might be less dependent upon her availability?

All the best. x

silverlining48 Fri 29-Jan-21 23:33:23

Either downgrade the relationship from
Friendship to acquaintance and accept her flakiness or just end it by drifting apart slowly and save yourself resentment and irritation.
I had a similar situation and chose the second option and despite a very long friendship do not miss it at all. My dd described her as a fair weather flakey friend and she was right.

Lilypops Fri 29-Jan-21 23:33:27

It depends how much you need this friend Shandy57, if you continue your friendship , make it on your terms also, Don’t always be available when she rings , even if you are,
Make your own plans to do something, meet another friend , (when we can of course). And just say sorry am not available, say you will ring her sometime and leave it like that,
Don’t feel guilty about forgetting her birthday when it comes around , if she comments, just say sweetly, Oh I thought we weren’t bothering with birthdays anymore ,
I think we can all have a friend like that, it’s just knowing how to deal with them and not get upset by them. Good Luck with her ,

Nonogran Fri 29-Jan-21 23:51:03

I agree with the other posters. Just let it drift away. I had a "friend" who continuously let me down. Picked me up & put me down at her whim. I made myself less available & don't miss her at all now. Life's too short ...

Shandy57 Fri 29-Jan-21 23:51:56

Thank you all, she just can't be the person I need her to be, having time to reflect over lockdown I do need to make a new start and look for a hobby that will lead to new friendships. She hasn't even read my last email properly, she thinks I've already moved into my new property.

It hurts me she doesn't care about me as a person, I will just let this acquaintance drift on by and move on.

Elrel Sat 30-Jan-21 00:02:51

You deserve better!

Nonogran Sat 30-Jan-21 00:13:34

On another tack, I had a really good friend I thought, whose company I thoroughly enjoyed, for nearly 40 years. We used to have some laughs & supported each other through tough times. Covid lock down seems to have affected her with an hysterical paranoia so I never hear from her these days albeit I wrote her a nice letter to enquire if she still wants to be friends & told her I miss her. After that she invited me over for lunch but lock down intervened & I've not heard a word since. I've let that one go too because the vibe tells me she's not interested really. Best to let sleeping dogs lie & move on

welbeck Sat 30-Jan-21 00:25:43

let it slide.
why choose to have people in our lives who make us feel hurt, uncomfortable, or not appreciated.
there's nothing worthwhile to hang on to.
good luck.
and when we can meet again, you'll probably find some GNers to meet up with. much more fun.

Doodledog Sat 30-Jan-21 01:15:38

I think a lot depends on what you see as important in a friendship. Some people are fine with vague arrangements that get cancelled at the last minute, or being picked up and put down at whim, but others aren't.

Personally (as you can probably tell by the way I phrased the above grin), I don't like that at all, and expect friendship to be based on mutual respect.

I wouldn't bother renewing the friendship, other than perhaps to an occasional coffee, and even then, I would ask her to text you when she leaves the house, or is ten minutes away (or whatever works for the distance between you) so that you aren't left standing around waiting for her.

I had this situation with a 'friend' a while ago, and the final straw was when I'd been waiting in the rain and she was (as usual) late, because she had seen a dress she liked in a shop window and decided to try it on!

I pulled back on the friendship, and just see her now and again (well, before Covid). It goes without saying that she's never been in touch to see how I am since before the first lockdown.

BlueBelle Sat 30-Jan-21 04:57:52

But do you notice after five years you still call her an acquaintance not just once but a few times and you say she is not what you want it doesn’t sound as if it’s a friendship at all you want a companion to do things with and to think about you when not with you and she’s obviously very busy with family and isn’t wanting (needing) the same as you

You are exactly what it says on the lid ‘acquaintances’ who may share experiences now and then but you aren’t friends who care for each other and worry about the others problems

You have no need to drop this acquaintance just treat it as that an occasional person and look for what you really want.... a friend or friends to share with, have fun with and who care about you when your not together.

You just have different needs that’s all

Kim19 Sat 30-Jan-21 05:15:31

I'm rather with Bluebelle on this. There's such a difference between friend and casual acquaintance. Just sort of keep her in your back pocket and meet up if and when it suits you. You shouldn't have any high expectations of her but no reason to completely sever either. Good luck.

Shandy57 Sat 30-Jan-21 10:30:51

Thank you everyone, you've made me feel a lot better.