Friend is dying. Don’t know how to communicate

Polarbear if you reread your post you will see the words you need to say. Acknowledge how awful it is for her, tell her you want to be there for her but don’t know how. Ask her what she wants/needs from you. Good luck

I'm in exactly this position right now. My friend is now on countdown as there are no more drugs that can help her. I call regularly and we reminisce over the various holidays and high spots we have experienced. We have a laugh and find it amazing to compare our different takes on events. I'm crippled inside but hope it never shows. She knows how I feel. In a way I'm cowardly pleased that we're in lockdown as I would be unable to hide my sadness from her face to face.

Thanks Jane. Much appreciated x

This might help you Polarbear. Kath Mannix is a retired palliative care consultant & this is a recording of her talking on R4.
If you google her you’ll find links to other things she’s written.
I’m sure your friend appreciates your kindness, even if it doesn’t always seem that way.
www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b06nnqlj

Thanks everyone. I do want to ‘be normal’ with her as I think it’s what I would want. Initially I did tell her how much our friendship meant to me - hadn’t considered doing that again but she’s been through so much I may try that. I’m so worried about doing the wrong thing but now I think on, better that than nothing and I’m not sure I’d do something‘wrong’ anyway. I’m quite sensitive to people’s feelings so would always tread carefully. We have 2 other friends but they seem to have disappeared? I know she doesn’t have many friends as she’s not an easy person to be with. I’ll take on some of your ideas. Thanks. It’s better than what I’m doing which is putting my head in the sand!

Very good ideas already given all I can add is ...don’t stop there must be nothing worse than being deserted

Flowers sound lovely everyone is cheered by receiving them
I would call as often as I normally do and use it chatty, little bits and pieces if you normally have a moan still have one and just generally support by listening and taking the lead off her if she starts having a cry or offload take it all completely
Avoid telling her anything wonderful you’re doing ( although most of us aren’t) if you normally have a joke have one if you normally chat about TV programmes do so
Horrid for everyone involved
Take care but stay therev

I would perhaps do it the other way around by saying , If it makes it easier/better for you I will leave it to you contact me when ever you feel like it & as often as you like. Reassure her that you will be there for her & do what suits her best. Good luck & best wishes

Just last night, I was thinking of people in such situations as your friend, Polarbear. Being terminally ill and unable to have physical contact must be awful. And having your husband with MND .....oh Lord, how do they cope ? Just send little messages of love and support....not much else you can do really. At least they will know ,you are thinking of them. Sad ?
Grandmajet, hope things work out for you and your chemotherapy leads to complete recovery

Lots of wise posts appeared while I was writing. Best go with those with experience.

I’m sorry you are struggling, I’m sure it’s really difficult. Maybe you could phone and start with ‘I was just thinking about the time we..,,,,,,,,’ and remind her of a fun day out you had together, have some other memories in reserve especially times you laughed or cried together.
Maybe bring up a thing she helped you through so that you can tell her how much her support has meant to you or at least how much her friendship means to you.
No harm in asking how she’s feeling and if there is anything she would like from you.
I hope you find a way through.

I have an internet friend of 20+ yrs who is in very late stages of lung cancer. She can’t talk on the phone now so I’ve kept up a dialogue via text and messenger. I remind her of funny things we’ve been through over the years and tell her about my day. Sometimes she’d respond but more often than not she doesn’t now. I got a message yesterday, her daughter letting me know that she’s now unconscious but that she’s been reading my messages to her Mum and thanking me for keeping up with contact.
I think just keep up contact but don’t expect too much from her but do let her know how much her friendship has meant to you.

I’ve recently list a friend to cancer. I made contact every day with things I would usually share with her, fun things etc. I always asked how she was doing and sympathised. While she was well enough I shared my problems too, always saying I know this is nothing by comparison to what you are going through. She would reply friendship goes in both directions. She liked being treated normally. Towards the end I would simply send my love. 2 days before she died I know she read my last message sending love and that has brought me comfort. Will always miss her . Hope this helps

Does she use text/WhatsApp, or similar? I’m off and on chemo for the foreseeable, although my husband is well, so not a comparable situation, I know that at times I just do not want to talk, even the phone seems too much effort. Whereas written communication keeps you in touch and she can answer if and when she feels able to.
It is a situation that is so hard to get right, if not impossible, she must feel trapped in a nightmare with no way out. Sympathy can be hard for some people to bear.
Books, suggestions for films or tv programmes, just general chitchat. Try Texts, messages, little pretty cards. Don’t give up.

I think just knowing you care is the greatest gift. She will naturally be feeling angry, grieving for the life they have lost, and being unable to enjoy any experiences due to lockdown will make it so much worse.

I don't know how far you are from them, are you near enough to leave a home cooked meal once a week? If too far away, you can now send ready meals as a treat, occasional flowers, treats etc. Send a card admitting you don't know what to say and are frightened of putting your foot in it, but you love her and want to help in any way she can think of? When you do ring, just ask about their life and let her rant, she needs a release for the anger and fear she is feeling. Perhaps the Family Support Services of their local hospice might help, available to all with life limiting illnesses, not just the dying.

I sympathise with you as this happened to me years ago. We did visit her as she was able to go out as t that point. I will always regret never telling her how much she meant to me as I found it all very difficult. I also didn't have a supportive husband at the time. I think flowers and a wee card saying thinking of you sounds good. Is there anything practical you could offer to do?

I sympathise so much with you....all I can offer is what my dearest friend said to me when he was diagnosed with MND - he wanted everyone to stop being nice to him, to treat him the same as they always had. He didn't want gush or overt sympathy. He wanted the remainder of his life to be as it was as far as relationships went.

Lockdown obviously makes it impossible to act normally so perhaps a brief note saying how much her friendship means to you and that you're thinking of her as usual would break the impasse? I would definitely keep it light.

Good luck!

How about sending her some flowers with a note saying you're thinking of her?

I think just call and talk about anything. People who are dying don't necessarily want to talk about their illness or death all the time. I found one of my friends just wanted to talk about their past or listen to the radio. I'm sorry you are going through this, it is difficult enough under normal times - what is happening at the moment is just cruel. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about xx

I suppose you could send her a parcel with a magazine in or a book, some nice hand cream or whatever you feel appropriate just to let her know you think of her