Mothers and Mothers in Law

DS2’s m-i-l doesn’t seem to like me, she is very possessive of my dil and granddaughters. It’s as though she thinks I’ll take them away from her.

It’s a shame as I was prepared to get on with her as my dil is lovely. Still we don’t see her that often, and I would never avoid her.

The important thing is DS gets on with her, and his in-laws have welcomed him into their family. A bit too much of that too sometimes but heigh-ho, we still see him and his family regularly.

Thank you all for your interesting comments it seems that it was not as unusual as I thought which makes me feel better. Yes grandetanteJE65 it did feel rude and discourteous towards Mr J that My Mum refused to visit if his Mother was there. Yes LauraNorder perhaps my Mother was jealous that I did like my Mother in Law. In fact my Mother did not like her own Mother in Law and fell out with her for many years. Maybe that was how she thought relationships with a Husband's Mother should be. Funny old world!

I am not sure it's all that common for the two families to blend like that? All the people I know, they see the in-laws at separate times. It would only really be christenings and at the weddings of adult grandchildren, and then the event itself would be a bit formal and formulaic and would leave little room for free-association and arguments. At my daughter's wedding loads of people on both sides were in the middle of feuds, so I didn't do place-cards or anything, just let them choose their own tables in a mutually avoidant manner.

I always thought my Mum got on well with my mother-in-law. On the occasions they met up, usually their grandchildren's birthdays, they seemed quite friendly.
I also thought Mum liked my husband too, but just before she died she went into a hospice and my husband spent a lot of time sorting out her finances. When I was explaining what he'd done she said "I'm beginning to see what you see in him now. We could never understand why you married him but you obviously saw something in him we didn't"!
We had been married 25 years by then! Now I wonder whether Mum was just good at covering up her real feelings about his parents too?

I get on really well with the other in-laws, both parents and DiLs elder sister. We don't meet up much because of pandemic and distance but talk on FB and I really like them all.

My Parents and In-laws only socialised once before we got engaged and never did again. However it was a few years before I realised they exchanged friendly Christmas cards, they always asked after each other and they’d spend quite some time chatting if they met while out shopping. They genuinely liked each other with limited contact but neither set of parents were the type to want more than that. It worked for everyone.

My Mil and my parents never socialised.
They met at the wedding and that was that.
And tbh,i never gave it much thought, also they were like chalk and cheese so it was probably for the best.

Chance not chive??!

It’s quite strange when this happens and I suppose it could be deemed as a ‘complex issue’. Sometimes in life we don’t get the chive in some situations and have to make the effort?

I was a young and as it turned out, foolish bride, just 18 and a baby by 19. Divorced by 30, after many years of misery and violence.

My parents never ever met my in-laws not even at my speedy secretive wedding. I’m 65 now and have never remarried.

My two grannies never got beyond calling each other Mrs H... and Mrs W... and only ever met up for occasional Christmases at my parents home. One thought her child had “married down” and the other though her child had married into a family of snobs ?? People are funny!

This one set me thinking. My ex husband was 15 years older than me. His family were not at all close. They also lived a few hundred miles away. Neither of his parents came to our wedding and my parents never met his.
My daughter and son in law live in Surrey. Ironically his parents and sister live very close to me. They are all perfectly lovely and we get on really well. We may meet up on special occasions, exchange Christmas cards and the odd comment on FB. Other than that dont communicate or see each other. Sometimes it has felt strange as they live so close ,but it's just not that sort of relationship.

There was little to chose between my mum or mil .They could both be 'a bi-ch' when it suited.

Never socialise with the in-laws, nothing in common with us. Not our cup of tea at all, as long as our AC are happy that’s all that matters, we didn’t marry into the in-laws, so no worries

It's just people and their funny little ways, isn't it? My parents and ILs only met a couple of times. My Dad and MIL were both strong characters, rather difficult to get on with and they didn't take to each other either.

My MIL and DM had completely different values and my DM was completely derogatory about my MIL. My MIL was a "nothing too much for my son" sort of person who would have sacrificed a lot just to see her son happy. Maybe the fact that her second son was stillborn and her husband wouldn't let her have another child was the reason but she really was the loveliest person. When we were broke, she would give my DH money to buy the children presents but never wanted the glory; she wanted us to receive that.
Now, my mother is completely the opposite. She uses her money to control where she can, can be completely narcissistic and still thinks that she had children to be her servants for the rest of her days. She found my MIL's "niceness" sickly and never missed the chance to comment upon it, sometimes in her company. My MIL never commented about my mother to me but was less reserved with her son, although never vicious. Fortunately, it was MIL's nature that allowed the two to be in the same room at the same time!

My Mum did not like any woman who (in her words) became significant in either my life or my sister's. So, my sisters MiL, my MiL, and eventually her 3 granddaughter's mothers-in-law, she criticised constantly behind their backs, but was civil and friendly to their faces.

We came to the conclusion she was insecure, fearing that any one of the "extras" would mean we loved her less. We didn't, of course, but couldn't convince her of that.

Our younger son’s in laws are lovely people and we have known them now for nearly 28 years. We are always invited to their occasions such as special birthdays and anniversaries. I am always invited to any cinema or theatre trips with DIL’s mother and sister. Our older son’s in laws were divorced when he and our DIL got married, his father in law died 18 months ago and his wife hasn’t had much to do with her mother so we never really established much of a relationship with them. My mother and mother-in-law were both widowed soon after we got married and always got on well at family occasions. My parents’ families lived over 100 miles away in different directions and I only had one grandmother on my mother’s side and one grandfather on my father’s side. Apart from my parents’ wedding they never had any contact with each other. DH’s father was full of praise for his mother-in-law but DH’s mother didn’t get on with her in laws at all. So I could say that on the whole we have been fortunate with our ‘in law’ experiences.

My parents drove 300 miles to meet my in-laws to be as they thought it would be wrong to meet for the first time on our wedding day. They met on those two occasions and that was that. No animosity just distance and nothing else in common.
Son’s in laws live on a different continent so only met them at the wedding. We exchange cards and best wishes though. DD in-laws are local and we share childcare in normal times. Lovely folk who produced a lovely son!

I always knew my mum regarded my mil as a threat to her as, I eventually came to realise, she regarded most women including my sister and myself.

It was very sad as she seemed resentful of any woman who looked as though they had more opportunity or money than herself. Those she felt did not quite meet her standards were, embarrassingly, treated to her best line in patronizing condescension.

I now realise that she, an only child, probably suffered from an inferiority complex where every woman’s status was minutely examined and ranked against her own.

This led to her being quite lonely. She seemed incapable of making and keeping women friends as she always felt friendship was a competition. Any friends she had were those made with my father and they disappeared pretty quickly after he died.

She told me her initial dislike of my mil was because she wore hats! A symbol my mother felt somehow signified a woman of superior status to herself! The dye was set from that first meeting and continued until my mum’s death.

Gosh this has got me thinking now! My big son lives with his GF, they bought a house together during lockdown and it needed a huge amount of work. Both us and the other parents have spent a lot of time there doing the renovation, us weekdays as we'd just retired and them at weekends (we left a day between visits due to covid and didn't mix with anyone actually at the house). We've never socialized with them and the kids have been an item for 10 years now, since they were 16. We don't not get on, they are lovely, but we've just not had reason to socialize beyond odd chats in passing over the years. Makes me realise we must be a bit weird.

I guess mine were fine when they saw each other at things we organised but that was onlybat family stuff we organised. But they had their own lives and friends so didnt socialise otherwise.

My DDs Mil seemed ok before the wedding but cracks soon began to show ie: Christmas is non negotiable, she has to have her 4 boys with her - leaving me, at the time recently bereaved alone (in the end I went away that year).
She completely took over the wedding arrangements, dressed to match the table decs. Sat herself & sons at the front for the ceremony leaving me, The Mother of the Bride to squeeze in at the back. Then said it wasn't a formal ceremony!
DDs friends commented to me how odd but I never said a word to DD.
This is why I don't think Mil is so lovely but will never mention it to her.

My DM and MIL got on with each other really well. My MIL adored me and my two children as soon as we met. It was what she had wished for had finally come to fruition a DIL and GC.
I knew my now second husband for years as a friend through family. I had started working with him for a couple of days. I had recently divorced he had a few partners but had not met the “one”.
My husband is a from a different background to me and an only child. That meant no difference to his DM despite other relatives not liking the union. I gained a wonderful MIL and the best GM anyone could wish for. We would have /both DMs over for tea and we would go shopping together. When my MIL became ill my DM and I would sit each day keeping her company. It was a time in my life that I shall never forget now they have both gone.

My mother and MiL only met for special occasions as they lived about 250 miles apart. If we hosted Chrismas my mum would stay with us and the inlaws came but stayed the night in a B&B nearby. They would only be with us for Christmas day and Boxing day whereas my mum would stay for longer as it was more of a distance to visit and she saw us less frequently. They didn't have a lot in common but were always civil.

I have a lovely DiL and I really like her parents and many others in her family. We have lots in common and I like seeing them, although we don't meet often as they live quite a distance away. I was invited to stay with members of her family even before my son married her and in some ways I feel more part of her family than my own, as I'm divorced and my own parents are no longer alive. I see very little of my other relatives - they all live a long way away - while my DiL's family are all very close to each other and meet up regularly. Her granny keeps in touch with me too, as well as her parents. I don't suppose my ex will have a lot of contact with the in-laws though.

I'm not sure if that's so unusual. My parents met my Mil and Fil only once before our wedding. To my knowledge they never met again. They didn't move in the same social circles and had very little in common. It certainly was never a problem or caused any friction in the family.