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I want to be a gran

(42 Posts)
Fleetwood123 Thu 04-Mar-21 23:38:56

I would just like to say how fortunate you all are for being grandparents. I am a teacher and have worked with children all of my life. I was an NNEB before being a teacher. Due to being brought up in a very dysfunctional family l didn’t settle into a steady relationship until late in life. L have one son who is not interested in having children. I would love to be a grand parent - just to be involved in caring for a young life again ( l had always hoped to have lots of children) when that didn’t happen l hoped for grandchildren but that hasn’t happened yet and l do realise you cannot live your life through your child so must just accept it. You are all so fortunate to be grandparents Enjoy every minute even when it is hard!

Ydoc Sun 07-Mar-21 14:58:51

Whilst it is lovely being a gran I have one granddaughter and there will be no others unfortunately. It also has another side, my daughter who I used to be very close with is now on another plane. She has totally taken on her husbands ideas etc. Anyway upshot of it is that I've had depression very badly after losing my mum the one thing that was a Ray of sunshine was my little grandchild. My daughter has been far from understanding quite the opposite. In fact she is actually jealous of my love for this child. It has been constant tears on my behalf, every day. So no it is not all rosey. I am seriously considering trying to be a surrogate grand parent maybe you u could too?

chazwin Fri 05-Mar-21 19:36:12

Fleetwood123

I would just like to say how fortunate you all are for being grandparents. I am a teacher and have worked with children all of my life. I was an NNEB before being a teacher. Due to being brought up in a very dysfunctional family l didn’t settle into a steady relationship until late in life. L have one son who is not interested in having children. I would love to be a grand parent - just to be involved in caring for a young life again ( l had always hoped to have lots of children) when that didn’t happen l hoped for grandchildren but that hasn’t happened yet and l do realise you cannot live your life through your child so must just accept it. You are all so fortunate to be grandparents Enjoy every minute even when it is hard!

As there are other things in life to being a parent there are also other things in life to being a grandparent.
People have too many children as it is and the world is not getting any bigger.
So pat yourself on the back.

nipsmum Fri 05-Mar-21 18:35:23

I'm sorry if you don't have Grandchildren. Unfortunately it is not something anyone can do anything about. Maybe ask in one of your local schools if you could help with anything. I volunteered to help teach some primary 4 pupils to knit and got involved in helping with other crafts and being available to help supervise outings if they were short of adults to help. It is very rewarding. If the children misbehave you won't be having to be the teacher, just the helper.

Kate1405 Fri 05-Mar-21 18:01:12

What about helping out with Homestart or something similar that would make a huge difference to a family's life? You obviously would be great at that given your experience and it would take your mind off something over which you've no control.

Madgran77 Fri 05-Mar-21 17:56:33

* bridie54* flowers

As you hope to visit when they have their own home, then presumably you are not completely cut out. I can understand how painful the missing them is. I am sure they will love the book cushions which sound lovely.

bridie54 Fri 05-Mar-21 16:53:40

Feeling a bit teary reading thru this thread. I’ve just finished sewing 2 book cushions for my 2 GC who now live on the other side of the world. DIL seems to have cut us out of their lives. I have to remember the happy times we had till they left here at age 5 and 1.
Sometimes though I think not remembering is easier as I can feel so sad. Very involved back story. But I try to think positively about visiting when they finally get their own home.

Madgran77 Fri 05-Mar-21 16:33:53

Why don't you look into the "adopt a granny" scheme ..so many families looking for a "grandparent" as the real ones are not available for whatever reason. Some lovely relationships can develop flowers

jocork Fri 05-Mar-21 16:03:13

I'm a relatively new Granny with my 1st GC born during lockdown. The day my DS and DiL found out he was on the way, my DS was also offered a job abroad so I'm currently a long distance GP. I was an older mum so worried that I might not be a Granny until I was too old to really enjoy the experience, so the fact that DS married fairly young and has started a family fairly early is a blessing. The family will return to the UK when his contract ends and I hope then to downsize and move nearer to wherever they end up. DiL is training to be a vicar so will become a curate on their return so they will need help with childcare and as her parents are younger and not retired yet like me, hopefully I can help with that. I did manage to spend a bit of time with them as I travelled with DiL and baby to join my son as he had to move abroad before baby had a passport. Now I have to make do with video calls and photos until we can all travel again and be together.
Being a long distance Granny must be really hard if it is a permanent situation, especially with the travel restrictions we have now.
I hope you are able to find the right outlet for the affection you have for children. I'm sure there are many children who would really benefit. I have a friend who used to work for Homestart so am aware of some of the things they do.
If you are still teaching I'm sure you already have lots of children in your life.

cornishpatsy Fri 05-Mar-21 15:53:54

I am sorry for those that do not have grandchildren, it is totally different from being a parent.

I only have one, he is a joy. I am feeling blessed.

Bamm Fri 05-Mar-21 15:22:05

That must be so hard Chimaera, I just dont know what to say.
My younger son ( the one with children) lives in the USA. I know how you feel Maidmarion, I miss them so much. It's been two years now and I wonder when I will see them again.

Kim19 Fri 05-Mar-21 15:20:58

Funny one this. I was completely indifferent to being a GP but when it happened - and it was indeed a surprise - it was a heart lifter. Wonderful. Strangely enough, my friend who has four children, badgered them in this arena from an early age and has ended up with none. Nothing to do with her, of course, but it always reminds me of how perverse life can be.

HillyN Fri 05-Mar-21 14:51:09

Some people from my church volunteer through Transforming Lives for Good's Early Intervention scheme, working with children who are struggling at school.
If you think you might enjoy that you can find out more at: www.tlg.org.uk
They have each formed a close relationship with 'their' child and have found it very positive.
I know not much is happening at the moment but when things start to re-open I know there are many playgroups and toddler groups who would welcome a helper with training such as yours with open arms- or maybe you could start your own? Please don't let your obvious love for young children go to waste.

GreenGran78 Fri 05-Mar-21 14:32:06

Don’t give up hope yet. My youngest DD had a baby when she was 45, using a donor egg. my youngest son has just become a dad at 40. Sadly, both GC live in Australia so I can only see them on the screen right now. Your DS any, or may not, have a change of heart, but the many suggestions on here could help you to connect with some little ones. Have you considered fostering, or do you consider yourself too old for that?
I have a friend who hasn’t got a single blood relative, as far as she knows. Descended from a long line of only children, I can’t imagine what it would be like to have ojust friends in your life.

cassandra264 Fri 05-Mar-21 13:01:54

Every sympathy. Focusing on the positive is very good advice, but it's not always easy, is it?
I am lucky enough to have one GC, but no more children are possible for my daughter and family because of SIL's now critical illness, and they all live a long way away. One of my best friends of 50 years now has all three of her ACs living near; and a total of 6 grandchildren. Hard not to envy her!

But another friend's son died very suddenly in his teens, her husband left her soon afterwards, taking all their money, and her daughter is now middle aged and single with no children. I admire this friend so much. She has rebuilt her life, is much involved with her local community, and is clearly much valued by very many people. I'm sure you are too. You sound as though you have so much to offer.

GoldenAge Fri 05-Mar-21 12:57:11

Fleetwood123 - you sound as though you have a lot to give and if I were you, I'd give it - lots of voluntary opportunities I think, maybe becoming an honorary gran to a refugee family - if I had the time I would definitely do that - please consider this as these families are likely to have lost older members and grandparent role models, and you would be so great to help them integrate.

GagaJo Fri 05-Mar-21 12:41:26

I have a grandchild and you are right, I am VERY lucky and I adore him. But his family is just his mum and me. He would LOVE a grandad. And there must be lots of children that don't have grandparents.

I don't know how you become a surrogate grandparent, but it would be great. My GS would love a surrogate grandfather.

Maidmarion Fri 05-Mar-21 12:37:16

Miles ... not mikes!

Maidmarion Fri 05-Mar-21 12:36:52

I am lucky enough to be a grannie..... but my grandchildren are four and a half thousand mikes away.... so almost more painful than not having any!!!!!

Urmstongran Fri 05-Mar-21 12:15:01

Oh Jennyluck that was a hard read.
💐 for you.

Sir Captain Tom said we ought to focus more on what we do have than mourn what we don’t.

Good advice really. So many people in life get a clip around the ear. Financial. Illness. Estrangement. It’s a pot luck life. Very few ‘get it all’ I dare say.

Jennyluck Fri 05-Mar-21 11:58:50

I understand your yearning for grandchildren. It seems to happen so easy for others.
We have 3. Children, and we used to think, if they had 2 children each, we could end up with 6 grandchildren. Both of us are only children, so looked forward to the grandchildren arriving. Then reality hit. Oldest son is gay, no chance of grandchildren there. Middle son, not interested in having children. Then youngest daughter had a partner with 2 sons and didn’t want anymore.
I honestly thought our house would never have children running round in it.
But then one day my daughter told us she was pregnant. Oh the joy. We have a grandson.
But, be careful what you wish for.
They live with us, he’s 2 1/2 now . And things have been hard. Especially with the lockdowns. Husbands got dementia. Not a good mix, I’m piggy in the middle.
I think he will be our one and only grandson. I am grateful for that. But would have loved our very small family to expand.

Urmstongran Fri 05-Mar-21 11:50:39

I read an article in the SAGA magazine by Jenni Murray (December issue I think) and she felt the same way. Dying to be a grandma. I felt sorry for her adult sons putting that out in the public domain. Not-so-subtle pressure.

Chimaera Fri 05-Mar-21 11:50:02

I have 3 grandchildren - but I've never met them, my children cut me out of their lives when I remarried - they disapproved as he's younger than me, and they would have to wait longer for their inheritance. The eldest actually said that to my face. This was 12 years ago - so I don't see any reconciliation happening. Some days it hurts more than others, I've tried contacting them over the years, texts (unanswered) emails (bounce back) and I don't know where they live so I can't write to them. It's hard but you learn to live with it.

Hithere Fri 05-Mar-21 11:44:41

What if your gc didnt live near you and you were a long distance grandma?

Hithere Fri 05-Mar-21 11:43:44

You can always be an adopted grandma.
Home start is a great idea too

I think it is a bad mistake thinking that you would have been a grandma if your children had had kids.

Biologically yes, you are a grandma but would you have had the experience you crave for?
What if your children had a different role for grandma than the one you thought you could have?

Fernhillnana Fri 05-Mar-21 11:39:46

I never thought I’d be a grandmother but at long last my lovely son met a gorgeous woman and within 9 months of marriage produced a beautiful baby boy who is the light of my life. My heart goes out to anyone who so wanted this role but has been frustrated. On the other hand I completely understand the reluctance to bring a child into this world. As my mother often said, this world is not fit for children or animals.