It's better to be kind than right - is it?

nadateturbe

I agree Suziewoozie. Even as I typed my previous comment I thought, this is a general rule. It won't always be appropriate.

I think it’s an interesting discussion but I also can’t shake off the feeling that it can be used as a ‘get out of jail free’ card to avoid tackling tricky situations. That’s why it’s difficult to accept it as a generals rule - like ‘always tell the truth’,

One can be right and can express that kindly!!

A bit off subject but I like the motto 'No act of kindness , however small, is ever wasted.'

Where dementia is concerned....my primary focus for mum was keeping her settled and happyish
For me I have two amazing friends. One will flat out tell I am getting fatter the other will be polite and ignore
I have know them both for many years so I suppose I know them lol
Mum ....well I accepted that I was obviously older looking than mum (according to my mum lol )

does my bum look big in this? type of question could elicit an answer that is truthful without being hurtful eg "I think the other style suits you better".
Of course, if they've spent a lot of money on it already may not be what they want to hear.

My mother always said that a little white lie was fine if it spared someone's feelings but I do find it difficult to lie as I know I look guilty.

If we're discussing a conversation with someone with dementia it is so much more difficult. I wouldn't correct them but if asked an outright question, as I was last week, it is difficult not to answer. The question was distressing as was the answer and made harder by the fact that visits are not allowed and even when they are, hugs may not be permitted.

There doesn't seem much point in informing and correcting someone who no longer has the capacity to remember and learn. Might as well just say what seems to make them happiest.

I was chatting to a friend the other day, she was convinced that after having the vaccine, she would not get the virus... I was astonished that she thought that, and told her as I understood it... felt awful afterwards that I may have discouraged her,,,

I am with the Dalai Lama here - he says his one philosophy is 'Be kind - it is always possible to be kind'. I don't see why there is a conflict of either lying, or being kind. If truth is put gently surely that isn't unkind? There are many ways of being honest and they don't have to be harsh.

Under current restrictions, if I am walking down the street and a lady falls over in front of me, I suppose I should keep my distance, but it would be inhuman not to rush forward, pick her up, and help her to somewhere to recover. If a neighbour is in distress and would welcome a hug I would have no hesitation in comforting them. The covid regulations go out the window as far as I am concerned if it means being unkind

My Great Aunt was a well travelled, well informed woman and after being widowed early managed all of her finances, investments and house sales/purchases at a time when her background would never have equipped her to manage.
At 103 she was unable to look after herself physically but still very lucid, and had to go into a home. Well meaning but less educated members of the family would not tell her the truth, and often were telling her different things, to the extent that she was absolutely confused, and could not understand what was happening to her. So I would say tell the truth gently

In the case of caring for someone with dementia the carer must engage within the client's beliefs. So the carer is kind. The most important thing is not to contradict the client and get them anxious and aggressive. The happier the client is the easier it is for the carer to support them.

Its not possible to be always right, but it is possible to be kind even though its difficult at times.

Doesn't it boil down to just making the effort not to be unpleasant regardless of the context? People can be challenged without aggression, righteousness and censure and are more likely to listen and contemplate if treated kindly. If they are confronted with sneering, judgment, superiority or even passive aggression they aren't going to listen to what you have to say, they are just going to think you're an a hole. Unless you don't care how you make other people feel and would rather be righteous than be considered as having a valid opinion. I guess behaviour is always a choice though and the receiving of it is always a judgment.

Sometimes yes, depending on circumstances. Better to not say anything than hurt someone.

I think it depends on the circumstances. I always try to be kind to others, help where I can. I am dealing with someone at the minute who think they are being kind to me, they think what they do is always the right way. I can never have my say really, so much I feel I'm being bullied.

I think that's the issue, often what people think us kind, really isnt.

polnan

I was chatting to a friend the other day, she was convinced that after having the vaccine, she would not get the virus... I was astonished that she thought that, and told her as I understood it... felt awful afterwards that I may have discouraged her,,,

This is a great example - imo you did the right thing in putting her right - it was the kind thing to do.

An interesting question, kittylester

ReadyMeals

There doesn't seem much point in informing and correcting someone who no longer has the capacity to remember and learn. Might as well just say what seems to make them happiest.

In that instance, I wasn't correcting the person; she had asked me if some information she had been given was true. I did confirm that it was which unfortunately made her more distressed but telling a white lie didn't seem the right thing to do either. She may well have forgotten this again now.

Ìf being kind entails lying then I doubt it is kind.

It surely must depend on what we are talking about here. If large moral or ethical topics are under discussion, we need to be right in what we say, or not say anything.

In minor issues things can be a little less rigid.

It is possible, or should be, to be kind even when trying to tell someone that blue suits them better than red. If you feel that saying so would be unkind, then stick to saying "That blouse is such a lovely colour" and don't get into whether the colour actually suits the person or not.

Depends on the situation. But to me, there are an awful lot of people that should follow the maxim of "If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all "!

Ro60.... I think you have offered the best advice. Re: kindness or honesty.

We cannot know what someone with dementia remembers so I believe it is important to be honest and kind although it is sometimes difficult.
My mother had advanced dementia and one day out of the blue she asked me where "W" her husband was. He had died a few years before when Mum was already in a nursing home for people with dementia. I gently said that "W" had died and reminded her we had gone to see him in the chapel of rest before the funeral.
"Oh yes", Mum said and surprisingly and accurately then said,
" I remember telling you that I thought he looked very dignified". She actually smiled at the memory. She had loved him very much and it reminded me that Mum was rather proud of Dad's "dignified"appearance in the days when men dressed more formally.

Callistemon

ReadyMeals

There doesn't seem much point in informing and correcting someone who no longer has the capacity to remember and learn. Might as well just say what seems to make them happiest.

In that instance, I wasn't correcting the person; she had asked me if some information she had been given was true. I did confirm that it was which unfortunately made her more distressed but telling a white lie didn't seem the right thing to do either. She may well have forgotten this again now.

I was replying directly to the top post, really, in general.

That's fine
Apparently she was very alert last week and a lot brighter, so it's difficult to know what she does remember.