Lost son-in-law

Thank you all for all the support and your useful suggestions. I have spoken to my daughter who is happy for us to contact him - now it's just a case of finding the right words.

I dunno... no I'd leave it. He would eventually move on anyway - making new relationships with his next partner's family, and you could be left with just your daughter anyway, who may by then resent you for being disloyal (she might see it that way even though it's not your intention). You can't afford to invest in a relationship with a person who almost certainly will eventually lose interest in you, at the potential expense of a relationship that would normally expect to be permanent - that with your daughter.

Here in Denmark it is quite usual for people still to see their ex-sons or daughters in law, if they have been close to them.

Obviously, you should mention to your daughter that you would like to keep up a friendship with her ex-husband and see what she says.

If she is all right with it, go ahead, but don't invite him when you expect her!

If she is not okay with it, it is a harder decision, but in that case I would write or phone him and explain quite honestly that you hope to be able to see him, but your daughter thought it sounded odd, so when lockdown ends, meet him in some public place or in his new home, rather than in yours.

DS split up with a GF of 5 years, when they were in their 20s, just lives moving on. We liked the girl very much and wrote to her wishing her well in the future. Many years later a colleague told me she had just met this girl/woman at a conference and had asked to be remembered to us, she had appreciated our letter. So I would definitely write to your ex-sil.

Please check with your daughter first. She may feel betrayed by you if you do it behind her back.
Going forward when she meets a new partner they may think it strange you are still in contact with her various exes. I know my son’s new girlfriend always hated any mention of any of his exes. So glad to hear there are no children involved. I am always so sad to read all the complicated, convoluted family dynamics children are trying to navigate.

newatthis your experience with your much loved son in law has been exactly the same as ours - after 10 years together & 7 of marriage, DD decided they were growing apart & despite trying counselling, she left the marriage. I was absolutely heartbroken as we adored SIL & thought of him as a son. Fortunately no children were involved as, despite 3 attempts at IVF, none appeared. Since the break up, we have kept in touch with SIL as the parting took its toll on him mentally & I wanted to support him through that. We had a few initial hiccups with DD who felt we were "siding" with him through the break up but we got through that. She has now met a man who, with hindsight, is far more suited to her than SIL ever was & who even looks like her! Once she satisfied herself that we weren't comparing him unfavourably with SIL, she is once again ok with us still having contact. After all, she divorced him, we didn't ask her to & he's our friend, I should hate to have lost him. Sadly, over 2 years later, he has yet to find anyone to share his life with again but I'm sure there's someone out there for him & he'll find her if he doesn't look too hard - he was desperate to start with & dated lots of girls, none of whom were deemed suitable. He's more relaxed about it now, hopefully Ms Right is waiting

After I divorced, my father in law 'Grandad' used to stay with
me (in France)when visiting the kids and we got on well especially after my mother in law died.
However if my Mother had kept up a friendly relationship with my ex I would have been furious and felt betrayed,
strange really.

We are in contact with our ex sil even though her ex husband never speaks to her or her( and his) children. My daughter sometimes stays with her when she goes over to the uk and they have a good relationship. She never sees my husband’s brother, her ex, and he never bothers with anyone in our family.

Ask your daughter. And then respect what she says. She could be very hurt if you remain in contact with him.

My daughter and her husband have been divorced for 16 years they had three children who are now grown up.
We still have a great relationship with him, he visits us, we visit him and we still call him our son in law.
My daughter doesn’t mind this as they are still great friends and they sometimes visit together as we live 80 miles away.
I often think it would be lovely if they got back together but they have both said they are better off as friends.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Unless he was abusive in any way to your daughter I'd keep in touch with him. My brother, about 45 years ago, had a girlfriend who was loved by all my family, but he messed her around once too often and she married someone else. However we stayed in touch with her, and when 12 years ago my mother was dying of cancer, this lovely lady was so much comfort and help to her. She watched my son grow up, and was at his wedding just a few years ago, and she's one of my dearest friends. Just because the couple split doesn't mean their families should "divorce" too.

My son is in contact with his ex mother in law. His wife has made things very difficult over child access and her mother doesn’t agree with her and is very supportive to my son. I have no contact with his wife as she refuses to engage with our family. Very sad but I know he appreciates that her mother messages him to ask how he is.

Newatthis

Our daughter has just got her divorce through which we are very sad about. I really don't want to go into details but we are giving her all the support she needs and her ex is getting a lot of support from his family, fortunately there are no children involved. The thing is, we really loved our son-in-law, he was like a son to us. We don't live near and we haven't been in touch with him for more than a year now, not knowing what to say. We know he was devastated as it was my daughter's decision to end the marriage. We were hoping that all would be resolved and they would get back together. We don't know whether to contact him just to say 'Goodbye" - it's all very sad.

Send him a note saying how much you thought of him, and say that you hope things work out well for him. Tell him you would be happy to see him or talk to him anytime.
But since there are no children, you are probably going to have to lose him too.

Yes, as long as it would not upset your daughter if she found out. Maybe check with her first?

Do keep in touch, I’m sure he’d appreciate it. You sound like caring people, so he’d probably be grateful that you don’t hold him responsible for anything. If he doesn’t respond don’t take it personally, he may just feel a clean break will work better for him. My advice would also be to keep off the subject of the divorce, keep the topics neutral and easy which will be less painful for all of you. Good luck x

It all depends on the reason behind your daughter’s decision to divorce him.

Was he abusive at all? Highly unreasonable? What has she said?

Hithere

How would your daughter react if you contacted him?

Are we all to jump to our children's tune? There doesn't sound to have been anything negative on his part, it was her decision so I would certainly contact him if only to wish him well in his future life,

It's tricky because you may not know why they broke up, not the real reason... He may have behaved very badly but there again maybe not, or perhaps the opposite way round! My son was furious when I messaged his ex-gf to see if I should return things like hairdriers etc and turned out she'd been very undermining online, using false accounts to join and troll his groups and claiming she had a very serious illness when she didn't. He hadn't told me that at the time. On the other hand sil may welcome you as an individual offering some kind words, but first check with daughter.

When my brother divorced many years ago my mum was devastated. She said she'd had a daughter in law for 12 years and she had just disappeared from our lives without a goodbye. Its a hard one. I know my mum would have liked to keep in touch.

I sympathise, Newatthis. I was truly fond of my daughter-in-law and it was a terrible blow when they got divorced.

I was going to ask the same question as Hithere

have you told your daughter how you feel? o.k with her, discuss it with her if not, then..

yes, I would..

I was gutted when my daughter’s marriage broke up. Our sil had been a much loved family member for over 10 years. I sent cards to him and his family but there was never any response sadly. Both of them have gone on to find happiness with new loves and have their own families now but I still think of him with great fondness.

I loved my son in law dearly and when my daughter suddenly left him it was the worst time in my life. We kept in touch after the first trauma, when he leaned heavily on younger daughter and me. We’re still in contact but not often.
It’s so much worse that he has never had another relationship in the 15 years since. You can’t just forget someone who was part of your family for so long.

i think Wildswan's idea is good.
keep it light. don't mention the divorce.