Lost son-in-law

I have a friend who keeps in touch - and they with her - with several of her son's ex-girlfriends and an ex-wife.

If you can keep your friendship with your son-in-law separate from your relationship with your daughter, I see no reason why you shouldn't send birthday/Christmas cards. But keep it low key and be considerate of your daughter's feelings.

Contact him.
He was your sil after all,your dd divorced him,you didn`t.
He may be thinking the same as you and would love contact.
Theres only one way to find out.
I wish you luck..

DD has been divorced about 17 years now and I am still in contact with SIL - he sent me a Mother’s Day message. We always got on well and he used to visit me with the children and they would come for Sunday lunch etc. He even joined us for Christmas Day with DD etc one year. He remarried a few years ago and I think maybe our messages to each other are covert now as she has made things a tad difficult but we work round it.
It is a special relationship and different to any other.

Of course you should contact him. A text or letter to let him know that you wish him well in his future, are sad that things didn't work out, and you would be happy to see him if he is ever nearby.

Could you contact his parents first of all? Explain how devastated you are about the divorce, and ask their advice on whether he would be happy to hear from you.
He may want a clean break.

Welshwife

DD has been divorced about 17 years now and I am still in contact with SIL - he sent me a Mother’s Day message. We always got on well and he used to visit me with the children and they would come for Sunday lunch etc. He even joined us for Christmas Day with DD etc one year. He remarried a few years ago and I think maybe our messages to each other are covert now as she has made things a tad difficult but we work round it.
It is a special relationship and different to any other.

What a heart warming post! I wish I had such a relationship in my life.
Wishing you well

One of my aunts had three sons and five daughters-in-law. She kept in touch with the two exes in spite of divorces, and considered them still part of her family.

wildswan16

Of course you should contact him. A text or letter to let him know that you wish him well in his future, are sad that things didn't work out, and you would be happy to see him if he is ever nearby.

That's a good idea Wildswan and leaves the ball in his court over contact.

How would your daughter react if you contacted him?

Yes do contact him, he may be wondering if it would be ok to do the same.

I kept in touch and visited my in laws after I divorced, right up until the times they died many years later. I went to their funerals.
I was also Godmother to my ex sister in laws son, a few years after the divorce.

wildswan16

Of course you should contact him. A text or letter to let him know that you wish him well in his future, are sad that things didn't work out, and you would be happy to see him if he is ever nearby.

That is spot on because it lets him decide.
I am in the same situation, with my daughter in negotiations over a divorce. I am very fond of my SIL but he has moved into a new relationship and I'm not sure if he will want to stay in touch with me. But I will give him the option (as above). I'm sure my daughter wouldn't object as she knows I'm fond of him, and in my case there is a granddaughter. But I would make sure your daughter is okay with it, just in case it really upsets her.

i think Wildswan's idea is good.
keep it light. don't mention the divorce.

I loved my son in law dearly and when my daughter suddenly left him it was the worst time in my life. We kept in touch after the first trauma, when he leaned heavily on younger daughter and me. We’re still in contact but not often.
It’s so much worse that he has never had another relationship in the 15 years since. You can’t just forget someone who was part of your family for so long.

I was gutted when my daughter’s marriage broke up. Our sil had been a much loved family member for over 10 years. I sent cards to him and his family but there was never any response sadly. Both of them have gone on to find happiness with new loves and have their own families now but I still think of him with great fondness.

I was going to ask the same question as Hithere

have you told your daughter how you feel? o.k with her, discuss it with her if not, then..

yes, I would..

I sympathise, Newatthis. I was truly fond of my daughter-in-law and it was a terrible blow when they got divorced.

When my brother divorced many years ago my mum was devastated. She said she'd had a daughter in law for 12 years and she had just disappeared from our lives without a goodbye. Its a hard one. I know my mum would have liked to keep in touch.

It's tricky because you may not know why they broke up, not the real reason... He may have behaved very badly but there again maybe not, or perhaps the opposite way round! My son was furious when I messaged his ex-gf to see if I should return things like hairdriers etc and turned out she'd been very undermining online, using false accounts to join and troll his groups and claiming she had a very serious illness when she didn't. He hadn't told me that at the time. On the other hand sil may welcome you as an individual offering some kind words, but first check with daughter.

Hithere

How would your daughter react if you contacted him?

Are we all to jump to our children's tune? There doesn't sound to have been anything negative on his part, it was her decision so I would certainly contact him if only to wish him well in his future life,

It all depends on the reason behind your daughter’s decision to divorce him.

Was he abusive at all? Highly unreasonable? What has she said?

Do keep in touch, I’m sure he’d appreciate it. You sound like caring people, so he’d probably be grateful that you don’t hold him responsible for anything. If he doesn’t respond don’t take it personally, he may just feel a clean break will work better for him. My advice would also be to keep off the subject of the divorce, keep the topics neutral and easy which will be less painful for all of you. Good luck x

Yes, as long as it would not upset your daughter if she found out. Maybe check with her first?

Newatthis

Our daughter has just got her divorce through which we are very sad about. I really don't want to go into details but we are giving her all the support she needs and her ex is getting a lot of support from his family, fortunately there are no children involved. The thing is, we really loved our son-in-law, he was like a son to us. We don't live near and we haven't been in touch with him for more than a year now, not knowing what to say. We know he was devastated as it was my daughter's decision to end the marriage. We were hoping that all would be resolved and they would get back together. We don't know whether to contact him just to say 'Goodbye" - it's all very sad.

Send him a note saying how much you thought of him, and say that you hope things work out well for him. Tell him you would be happy to see him or talk to him anytime.
But since there are no children, you are probably going to have to lose him too.

My son is in contact with his ex mother in law. His wife has made things very difficult over child access and her mother doesn’t agree with her and is very supportive to my son. I have no contact with his wife as she refuses to engage with our family. Very sad but I know he appreciates that her mother messages him to ask how he is.