Lost son-in-law

I can only say I don’t know how I would have manage without my ex parents in law. They supported my baby daughter and me with love and even later to my ex father in law leaving a little sum of money in his will for his own granddaughter as well as his ‘step’ granddaughter.

instagran

I was outraged to hear from my mother that my divorced husband had phoned my parents who invited him and his new girlfriend to tea!

They didn't get it when I furious, told them how sly and disloyal I felt they had been, and my mother actually said "but we didn't divorce him".

They were too naive to see he had just come to flaunt the new woman, knowing it would get back to me.

My dad said "she looked very like you".
After this, relations with my parents were very frosty, as I told them I didn't feel I could trust them, after acting behind my back like that, and after all, they should be on my side!

They didn't even approve of him, and often implied I'd married beneath me.

Just because you divorced your husband why should your parents have to stop any relationship with him? As your mother said to you that they hadn't divorced him. They are adults and have a choice in this matter, as you had a choice whether to divorce him or not.

Sigh! Hate this. Have had 2 children who decided to end their marriages. Loved our In-law kids; neither of them wanted it. They weren't perfect, but nor were our children. Much to our children's consternation, we remained very close with In-law kids. There were grandchildren involved in both cases, and I had to firmly tell one child not to ask me to make a choice because they wouldn't like the outcome. The grandkids were the victims, their ex-spouses were always good to us, and we would not be dictated to because they changed their minds. We said the grandkids had to come first as they were in no way at fault. As an aside, both went on to others rather quickly, married them, then got divorced again. ? They should change the vows to "til boredom do us part".

I was outraged to hear from my mother that my divorced husband had phoned my parents who invited him and his new girlfriend to tea!

They didn't get it when I furious, told them how sly and disloyal I felt they had been, and my mother actually said "but we didn't divorce him".

They were too naive to see he had just come to flaunt the new woman, knowing it would get back to me.

My dad said "she looked very like you".
After this, relations with my parents were very frosty, as I told them I didn't feel I could trust them, after acting behind my back like that, and after all, they should be on my side!

They didn't even approve of him, and often implied I'd married beneath me.

I would definitely contact him. My MiL and I stayed in contact after my husband and I separated( after 5 years of marriage) and subsequently divorced. We spoke regularly on the phone and I would visit her too, we always exchanged b/day & Christmas cards and I always wrote in to Mum P, which is what I called her from getting married. Sadly she passed away at the beginning of last year, by then into her 90's she had been part of my life since 1979, I have some lovely memories of her and think about her often.

As you've updated us that your DD is happy for you to contact him I think wildswan16 has it exactly right, low key and a nice tone. Then he can decide what he wants to do without feeling pressured.

As it has been more than a year I feel it seems a bit of an odd thing to do now, he may have a new partner who might resent his past coming back or he may have just got over the breakup and contact would bring it to the fore again.

I understand your need but his feelings are more important being the wronged party.

I’m so sorry, the first time (apart from the lovely good morning thread), where I have skipped straight to the end with my opinion.
I see that your daughter is happy for you to contact your son-in-law. How lovely for you all. Go for it and good luck.

Follow up to my previous post. Yes do get in touch with him, My SiL was really pleased that I did just that. He was relieved to know that I was aware it wasn’t his choice. Even if you only send him one email, you will feel better for it and so will he.

Exactly the same happened to me 5 yrs ago. DD was no longer in love with SiL so he agreed to move out. He was devastated. No children involved. I keep in touch with SiL by email 3-4 times a year. First few emails were about us both explaining how we felt. Now we just let each other know how we are and a bit of chit chat. DD and he also email very occasionally. If he and I met face to face we know we would both cry. Thank goodness for emails.

We have been in constant touch with our ex SIL as there are the 2 GCs in their family, but his new partner isn’t happy about it and for the first time we didn’t receive a Christmas Card or a phone call from him, however his mother is still in close contact with my DD and with us.
It’s sad, but he led my DD a merry dance so maybe it’s for the best if he doesn’t want any contact with us.

I would definitely get in touch with him. Why not send an Easter card with a letter in something along the lines "It has been difficult to keep in touch but time has moved on now" and say he would always be welcome to contact you and say you are sorry for the break up and wish him well.

In my opinion if there had been children involved it would have been only natural and healthy to maintain a good relationship.
As there are no children then I would think it’s up to your daughter. If she thinks it’s okay, then send him a short letter to tell him how fond you were and that you hope he’s doing okay.
If your daughter would rather you didn’t then I’d let it go out of loyalty to her.

My ex SIL still fixes my car and helps me if I need to vet a new one. He doesn't mind. He is still in direct contact with my granddaughter and she is his step child not biological. He was in our lives (on and off) for over 15 years. Its hard to just shut out relationships like that.

Maybe send him a card and say that you have always loved having him as a son in law and if it is ok with him, that you would like to keep in touch.
Just be careful that you explain it to your daughter or you may get a bit of a backlash from her and she may feel you are taking sides.
Divorce under any circumstances is a bit of a mine field at least in the early stages. I will say that my mum kept in fairly close contact with most of the exes in the family - a sister in law and a daughter in law, but not my ex - but then she didn't like him anyway!!

Absolutely. Take your time and tread gently but yes! It will help him and in time it won't matter at all to your daughter. Never lose touch with those you care about and never miss the chance to extend a caring hand to someone who needs support.

Why should you have to lose contact with someone that has come into your life because the marriage has ended? My sister has been married 5 times and at one time 2 of her ex-husband's lived in the same street! She threw the marriages into touch every time. My parents did keep in touch with 2 of her husband's for quite a while after the marriages broke up.
You could contact him and say how you feel but leave the decision up to him if he wants to maintain the contact; why should you have to sever contact with him because your daughter has decided.not to continue with the marriage?

I can’t see why not but it might be a good idea to let your daughter know

I’m still good friends with my ex mil 30 + years after my divorce, I divorced him not his family

You sound very fond of him and as long as it doesn't upset your daughter, why not give it a try.

I felt like that when my son split with his ex partner. I asked him if he minded if I kept in touch with her, he said he didnt want me to. I spoke to her on the phone after the split and said how sorry i was but havent contacted her since. He is now married to someone else and has two children.

When our son broke up with his long term girlfriend, of whom we were very fond, we sent her a letter saying how sorry we were, what a lovely person she was and how she deserved someone to make her very happy - we were only sad that it wasn't to be our son.
She replied very graciously and we are still Facebook friends, although not really in touch. I still miss her.

I think you need to speak to your daughter before you do anything and get her response to this.

I really feel for you in this situation. Totally agree with the comments suggesting that you drop him a note saying how sad you were at the breakdown of the marriage as you loved him like a son and whilst not wishing to take sides you wish him well for the future. Keep it simple. Your daughter would I am sure realise how much you cared about him and would know her actions would have a ripple effect on family and friends. This is your goodbye not hers.

My elder son is divorced & we have always kept in touch with his ex wife. TBH it was the fact that the children live mainly with her in a house he bought for them all that made this possible. They now get on really well & the children are fine.
They did go to mediation when they first split up which was brilliant & if the time comes when you could suggest this it could help a lot.