In total shock!

I definitely think providing soup or a casserole is the most useful thing you can do. In Ireland it's normal ( in non pandemic times of course) to call with the bereaved to express sympathy and provide food. When I lived in England a friend's sister died suddenly. I delivered a pot of home made soup for the family and she told me afterwards that she was so grateful and I was the only friend or neighbour who'd done that.

When my friend's husband died, I felt just like you. Don't know what made me do it, but I went to Tesco and did a small shop - milk, eggs, bread, salad,potatoes and pizza etc. They were so grateful because they didn't feel like shopping and I'd taken all the ingredients for a meal.

Sorry for your loss. Its heartbreaking to lose those close. I think you have done all you can for the moment. Maybe in a few days text or call just so that she knows that she's in your thoughts. I'm sure when she gets her head around the enormity of whats happened she will appreciate your being there for her. Take care x

Such a shock for your friend Dragonfly46, my son died suddenly last month and I really appreciated the messages, texts, cards and flowers I received, that people were thinking of me and my son. Everyone is different but it's better to send a card or message and not get a reply than not send one and your friend feel you don't care. I have had amazing support from certain friends, including getting texts every day, however an old friend and my sister in law nothing at all and it hurts. Do contact her she may want to talk to someone outside the immediate family. x

Keep in touch. If she has family they will probably be there for her at first. Its afterwards that she might need a friend. I am so grateful for the few friends that are keeping in touch with me. I lost my husband very quickly end of January. It was covid-19 but he was fine when he went in hospital for gall bladder but gone within two weeks as he caught it in there. She will need someone to be around afterwards for some time when she needs it. Someone who is not so involved like family would be. Its sometimes easier to talk to someone who is not grieving for the same person.

Such a shock for that poor woman, just leave some flowers& card at her door. My good friends mum died nearly 2 mths after getting Covid while in hospital with heart problems. I left flowers and sent an odd message to her saying if she needs a chat or a walk just to let me know. She hasn't taken me up on any of it, just text to say she's still devastated about her mums death so I've left her alone now waiting on her contacting me.

As u say she is your good friend I would phone, it's more personal than a text , and even if a family member answers you can still pass on your sympathy and they will know you want to get in touch, and they may well want to speak to you anyway.
Also, don't just limply say ...if there's anything i can do..... ask 'What can I do? Do you need any milk, bread, food at all?
Or -- Can i tell mutual friends for you? Would you like me to come and sit with you when family has to go home? Or would you like to come here for a coffee?
And keep asking in the following days, and after the funeral.

My father died suddenly just a few hours before he and mum were due to go on holiday and the shock was dreadful for us all.I was able to stay with mum for 2 weeks to arrange the Funeral and cope with legal stuff etc but then had to return to my home at the other side of the country leaving mum alone for the first time in her life.She said the most difficult time was when people stopped calling and ringing a couple of months after he had died so please be there for your friend when things seem to have settled back to normal because that is when reality and grief can really seem unbearable.
Please don't send flowers yet.I know it's well meant but they really can be a nuisance when there is so much else to deal with.

What a shock, my father went like that. But how much better than lingering for months in a nursing home or hospital. Dad would have loathed that. I agree with all the suggestions, just show discreet support.

2020convert

Remember you were going to meet her for a walk? Perhaps you could offer to do that too?

Wonderful idea.

Having lost my beautiful mum 18 monthsso and now being poorly with cancer, I found that lots of people said to let them know if they needed anything. I found that it was those who texted and said they were going shopping and did I want anything, or offered to take the dog for a walk were the most helpful. I suppose what I'm saying is be specific with your offers. People don't like asking for help, especially when they're sad or vulnerable and a specific offer can be more useful. I hope I've made sense.

I would make a weeks meals to freeze and take them but drip off with a letter saying how sad you are. Let her absorb this shock but be there waiting as she will need you sooner than you think .

Oh how sad. You are all in shock but you have done the right thing by texting her. Now as she has family, leave her a while to look after your own feelings. Then send flowers and a card as suggested before, offering her support but please then leave a while. No doubt you will be notified of funeral details and you can go from there.

Well dragonfly will probably know if her friend will appreciate flowers or not, Riggie, but yes definitely a sympathy card..NO hugs though, Grannypiper- we are still socially distancing, remember?!!

So sorry for your friend, and what a shock for you all..send flowers in a few days perhaps, and a 'sympathy' card with them.Then if she still can't bring herself to respond, after another couple of days you could maybe ring?, so she knows you mean it when you say you're there for her, and then maybe you can ask about funeral arrangements, if you wish to go pay your respects? (Covid restrictions permitting?) Also, this is a timely 'warning' for those who want to 'walk 10,000 steps a day' please don't do so without taking medical advice first perhaps- as we aren't all as fit & healthy as we like to think we are, and could overdo it??Flowers for you & your friend dragonfly.?

This happened to my lovely friend, she came home to find her DH dead in his chair. The shock is still there 15 months later, go to her and give her a hug, take the lead from her as to what you can do to help, today is bad for her but the next few days will be even worse.

Definitely a card. Maybe not the flowers because if everyone has the same idea.....

(And as someone who has had to resort to milk bottles once my one vase was full, not everyone is into them!)

Send flowers and get in touch in a couple of days' time to ask when the funeral is to be, as you would like to attend if possible.

Don't send a text message, phone or go round. You can then ask again if there is anything you can help with.

It can be dreadfully difficult for the newly bereaved to answer
letters, e-mails or tests and even harder to ask for help, even although you have offered it.

Put a note in your diary and send flowers in a month or six weeks time. The bouquets originally received and which could overwhelmed your friend after her bereavement will have withered and new flowers could be cheerful.

I have done this and recipients seem very pleased.

Meanwhile, as others have said, send a card, take meals but most of all ensure you continue to make contact but be guided by her needs. I usually ask if I can ring again and try to judge the enthusiasm of the reply.

My friend to whom something horribly similar happened had trouble getting funds as they did not have equal access to their accounts. Do you know if your friend has access to day to day money? Friend was supported by a work colleague who just said I'll give you (xx) and we can sort it out later. Got her through the first month.

My father died suddenly of a heart attack, a fit, active, youthful 65. I remember the shock on hearing the news from my distressed poor old mother. But he always said that was what he wanted, quick and clean, and he got his wish. The downside is obviously the shock for those left. Good practical suggestions from other posters on what to do or what to avoid.

I'm another who was overwhelmed with massive bouquets. 7 in all, each one too big for one vase. I ended up having to empty my storage jars to accommodate them. Worse, the flowers triggered hay-fever, especially the ones with big peace lilies. Then I had to watch them fade and die. I would have appreciated a planter or pot plant, which would still be comforting 6 months on.

I agree with the concrete suggestions. I couldn't drive, or eat when my husband died. My friend made me a huge batch of her 'Mum's recipe' soup that I had enjoyed previously at her house. Was all I could swallow for weeks, I couldn't eat solid food, my throat seemed closed.

I'm another in the 'not flowers' brigade. The inflow for me was just another problem. Ended up looking like a florists. Quite awful (in the nicest possible way). You're already her friend. She knows. Just a brief 'how're y' doin' call will be sufficient. Perhaps even a brief chat with one of the children who will give you a clue as to where you might helpfully fit into the situation. Not easy but sit back, wait and be available for anything. It all comes under the heading of friend. Good ones are invaluable.

What did people do in these circumstances before mobile phones? Of course we actually spoke with people either on the phone, in person or by letter. I would go and see your friend. Wouldn't bother with flowers etc at this stage. Just visit to express your condolences and to offer help of any kind. Perhaps the daughter would need a break and would appreciate you being there for her Mum. Such a sad time them.