Joke! Remember them?

Sorry Rufus, could you say that again
Toadinthehole Obviously you're pulling my leg, but I'm in a happy mood so I'll go along.
You should know by now that the word, wait for it, "SEX" is a naughty word around here, almost as bad as using the C... word
before Christmas! and so I was simply trying to minimise the shock before you reached it.
Sorry about that, but you can't be too careful!

T'isna Doric. There's nae Doric on ess threid, nane at a'
Algerias1 As a matter of fact I thought you had all gone away, it's been so peaceful
Btw. How many Scots lasses does it take to make "all"?
At first glance I thought you'd just staggered in from the pub
now that you've regained your long lost freedom. but seeing as how you insist on staying perhaps you could contribute a few Scottish jokes!
I know it's a big ask, almost mission impossible. I've managed to find two on the 'Net; one got me banned and the other;

"Lady visits her dentist and settles back in the chair
Dentist enquires "Comfy?"
"Govan" she replies!
Not likely to bust your stays laughing.

Perhaps I should join you up there in N.E Scotland, except no international flights until mid 2022
Good Health
OoRoo
.

Fit maks you think I'm in N. E. Scotland?

We have roads an' cars an a'thin noo.

p.s. - quines

Fit maks you think I'm in N. E. Scotland
This!

Fou's yer dous loons and quines and other Doric masterpieces
SLIP on yer baffies, it's time to talk about Doric, the language of the north-east of Scotland. Is it a language or is it a dialect? That is a matter of debate, but there are estimated 30,000 Doric speakers and many words have now entered everyday use. Baffies are, of course, slippers. They come in blue for loons and pink for quines.

"The Scotsman"
OoRoo

Greatnan Tue 02-Oct-12 23:16:01
A little old lady had two monkeys for years. One day one of them died of natural causes.
In grief, the second monkey passed away two days later. Not knowing what to do with them, she finally decided to take them to the taxidermist and have them stuffed.
After telling the owner of her wishes, he asked her, "Do you want them mounted?"
Blushing, she said, "No. holding hands will be fine

Amusing Signs
........................................
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
............................................
On the walls of a Baltimore estate:
Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
-- Sisters of Mercy
.......................................
In front of a church:
Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.
......................................
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
............................................

On a long established New Mexico dry cleaning store:
Thirty-eight years on the same spot.
....................................................

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
..........................................

In a New York medical building:
Mental Health Prevention Center
.........................................
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
........................................

On a New York convalescent home:
For the sick and tired of the Episcopal church
...............................................

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
.........................................

In a clothing store:
Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.
...........................................

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.
.............................................

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!
....................................................

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
..............................................

In a New York restaurant:
Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
.......................................................

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
......................................................

In the window of an Oregon general store:
Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?
....................................................

In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
............................................

In the grounds of a private school:
No trespassing without permission.
........................................................

A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race:
Let's see who can go downhill the fastest
.......................................

Spotted in a safari park:
Elephants, please stay in your car.
...................................................

Outside a photographer's studio:
Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also.
...................................................

Notice in health food shop window:
Closed due to illness.
.........................................

On a plumber's truck:
We repair what your husband fixed.
...............................................

On a maternity room door:
Push. Push. Push.
.......................................

At an optometrist's office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
..........................................

On a fence:
Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!
.......................................

Seen on a garbage truck:
Satisfaction guaranteed or double your trash back!
.....................................................

On a church door:
This is the gate of heaven. Enter ye all by this door.
(This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use
side door.)
........................................
Sign warning of quicksand:
Quicksand.
Any person passing this point will be drowned.
By order of the District Council.
...............................................

In an office:
After tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

??

News just in… There’s a female ref for the United v City match. The kick-off has been put back an hour so Julie can park her car

Is that demeaning to female refs?

No but it is a rather lazy ‘joke’ stemming from the male idea that women can’t park. Rather wearisome to those of us that constantly questioned on our ability to drive.
I hired a transit van a couple of years ago and the salesman told me it would be a good idea to have my husband on the insurance as they were quite big and difficult to park. I did tell him that my usual work vehicle is over 5 tonnes and accessorised with sparkly blue lights. He was a tad embarrassed. ?

my usual work vehicle is over 5 tonnes and accessorised with
sparkly blue lights. He was a tad embarrassed. ?
That's not a joke!
A condition of entry to this thread is to bring at least one joke! Otherwise why bother checking in if it's only going to upset you?
It's been visited by several Trolls and others who would never see a joke, only criticise.
You might even get away with dumb- Grandads jokes before HQ deletes them!
OoRoo

If you read back on the thread you can see that I did make a joke earlier on the thread, apologies, I didn’t realise that one had to make a joke on each post. I was just replying to your question on your post as to if your joke was demeaning to female referees.

I thought it was the funniest thing on the thread.

I didn’t realise that one had to make a joke on each post
LitEve You don't, but why else would you post, apart from criticising?

Found your "joke" posted last Tuesday; OK I suppose!
"Demeaning" has become an in-joke itself and was responsible for several Grandads pulling up stumps and departing GN. recently after being told off by HQ.
I was suspended, but that's another story!
Nowadays I check my posts to see who I might be demeaning; I even did so recently over a joke concerning a short-sighted hedgehog!
Dumb-blonde and incompetent lady parker jokes have been around for ages and who are we to change that!?
OoRoo

Oh don’t worry Rufus, I’m fairly bomb proof when it’s comes to taking not offence, years of working in the city and in emergency services have meant I’ve been exposed to lots of ‘humour’.
You did however, ask a question, to which you presumably expected a reply as it didn’t appear to be rhetorical.

Dolly Parton was once referred to as a dumb blonde. She replied "I'm not dumb and I'm certainly not blonde!"

Apologies to blondes. All the ones I know are very intelligent.

Q. What's the difference between God and a surgeon?

Ans. God knows he's not a surgeon.

Joke courtesy of my younger daughter who is an anaesthetist.

A man goes into a bar in Ireland

"We're closed." said the barman
" But you can have a drink while you're waiting "

Not racist - because this actually happened - to us!

I truly love Eire?

I found LtEve's post very funny and the joke was on that salesperson.

I saw a man walking around Glasgow holding a dog lead which was trailing on the ground beside him.
What was the man's name?

Douglas.

I heard a joke about a broken compass and... um... I don't really know where I'm going with this.

A patient tells his GP that he is worried about the hearing loss that he is experiencing...

GP: Can you describe the symptoms?

Patient: Well... they're a cartoon family...they're yellow...

It is generally accepted that there are 26 letters in the alphabet.

I've just realised that I only know 25.

I don't know why.

didn’t appear to be rhetorical
LtEve Of course it was! .
As rhetorical as "What's it all about Alfie" by Cher and a heap of other artists; I haven't yet seen a reply!
Btw No offence intended;
Does "bomb-proof" really mean shockproof? I doubt it!
OoRoo

What was the man's name?
FarNorth Doggone me, ! Douglas!? don't get it!
But being in Glasgie it can only be "Jock"

Douglas = dug-less