Low Self-Esteem

When you meet people try to remember that they are all struggling with something and a great way to gain their friendship is to simply listen. Everyone loves to be listened to and anything that you can say to heighten their own self-esteem will really endear them to you. You always get back in this life what you give. Turn your focus outside of yourself. In making others happy it will lift your own self-esteem. Compliment strangers, do small acts of kindness.
Imagine yourself as the innocent little child you once were and cherish that little child within you. Always speak gently to her and do plenty of things to make her happy. Spoil yourself without guilt, you deserve it. You are not alone. These negative feelings lurk in most of us. Just some are better at acting!

I too agree with Fanny, we are probably all faking it to some extent.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become more confident because frankly, I’m no longer bothered what people say or think about me (or am I?)
I still hope people will like me, but if they don’t, I won’t lose any sleep over it.

I have taken all your ideas/advice on board. This weekend I do have quite a challenge in front of me so I am going to approach with confidence, put my anxieties, self-loathing aside and I hope I do a good job and not let myself down. Sometimes I have to admit I'm not sure about GN as I like a face to face approach as I always think you can tell a lot from facial expressions good or bad. I do feel better having tried to explain how I feel and I know I'm not alone. Thanks for all your support.

There is a quote that goes somewhere along these lines:

The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of self doubt; and the stupid ones are full of confidence

My friend finds being outside helps. Walking. Gardening. Or exercise - yoga - for the endorphins and bit of peace they bring. She pretty much eschews alcohol now as although she loves it, the next day she feels more jittery. Not worth the trade off. She drinks ‘calming teas’ at bedtime. Pukka something or other. When she gets stressed she gets a bit loud (the anxiety) and then feels awful afterwards.

So many strands aren’t there Fanny? All debilitating in their own way.
‘Imposter syndrome’ is another.

I'm not sure if it's the same as low self esteem though.
I hold myself in quite high esteem in many ways!

Yep. That's definitely me
I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) when I was in my teens. I've had it all of my life.
I must admit that I am much better now that I'm not going to work.
Being with people drains me and I need lots of time alone to recover.

henetha ? Not just kind. Truthful. Believe in yourself. x

It’s a very close friend I’ve known for years. I have posted similar about her once before. It breaks my heart to see how she suffers on a bad day. Not every day but enough to blight her life. She is the most thoughtful and kind person. She goes home after a social gathering or working day and ruminates about whether she has caused upset, or said/done something wrong. Thoughts and tension keep her awake most nights. She says she wouldn’t wish her anxiety on anyone.

I thought Urms was describing me Fanny.

Thank you Urmstongran... It is amazing how a few kind words can help.

Blimey Urms - you could have been describing me there, even down to the giving your brain a rest bit. It was a bit uncanny, but goes to show how common those feelings are.
I even wrote about the brain thing on the Night Owls thread.

Good post Alexa, agree with you

Self doubt is debilitating and exhausting. It ties some people in knots and I know someone close who suffers greatly. It makes her anxious nearly all of the time (yet outwardly she appears confident, has a professional job yet never feels ‘good enough’) and spoils her joy of life, deep down. She says she wishes she could take her brain out sometimes just to have a rest. She’s seen her GP, had CBT, takes medication which flattens her mood but sucks joy too. It’s so very sad. It seems half a life really and upsets me when I listen. I cannot convince her otherwise how worthy she is. All I can offer is to ‘be there’ for her.

henetha I too am convinced you are lovely. We all bring something to the table. Even roast beef needs horseradish.

Dear Berylsgranny Looks like the transformation is in progress!
I hope you had some sunshine where you are - I find that always helps.
That's the great thing about GN - to be able to air some of our innermost thoughts & feelings.
Thanks to you, yesterday I got to the library to take my books back and remembered something someone said many moons ago:

"Make eye contact with a random stranger & smile - watch the reaction".
I did this & felt uplifted by the human communication & made someone maybe a little happier too.

Ro60 - thank you so much, you did bring a smile to my face too, I often use that phrase . Today I actually went and got my nails all manicured/shellac.I also put on a new top which I had purchased a few months ago and this afternoon I plan to go out to do some shopping. I got a new hairstyle and colour last week so today I'm feeling a tad better, how long it will last goodness knows but I do feel bit better today. It's also nice to get some responses to my post, it's nice to know some people care and listen so thanks to you all. I am a very private and proud person which tbh doesn't help my situation but that's me, I can't change that so it's nice to be able to admit my true anxieties as I can't/don't to any of my friends, I am way far too proud and I know that's not a good thing. I shall keep trying.

As others have said - and I'm recently discovering a lot of us feel this underneath.
Since menopause I'm worse and still trying g to accept my older self.
But do keep chatting on here Berylsgranny, just by your post, you've made me feel that I'm not alone.
You also made me smile ? - You've still a lovely sense of humour - I'm going to take your advice & "give myself a kick up the backside" ?

Thank you all so much for your positive comments, I do appreciate you giving your views. I did have a somewhat dysfunctional childhood and I know this has a lot to do with how I feel about myself and how others view me. However when I try to be more upbeat/positive/confident it seems to fall flat on its face or I just come over very full of myself or quite snobby, which I'm def not. I can't seem to get the right level of 'nice' so then I feel a failure again. I realise I am not alone in this regard but I don't want to have to 'work' at everything I would rather it came naturally. I'm not lazy, that's not what I mean but it is quite exhausting always thinking before I speak to ensure I come across quite well. I never seem to have anything to speak about. There are many posters on here who have lots to air/discuss, their threads go on forever. I just don't have it in me I'm afraid. I will try to be more positive, look at my good points I'm bound to have some I suppose. Thanks again to all those who have contributed I will now go and give myself a kick up the backside.

FannyCornforth

Don't judge your inside against other people's outside - everyone is putting on an act to some degree

Fake it till you make it

Honestly, you really aren't alone in feeling this way. You are very brave to admit it

I totally agree with this - years ago I read an article by Maureen Lipman, where she said that she was quaking inside and everyone else seemed to have it all together - and I realised that, very probably, everyone we perceive as being confident, coping etc quite likely isn't - and that they're feeling just as wobbly as me.

And definitely fake it til you make it - bizarrely, I started doing party plan by accident - I was utterly terrified at standing up in front of people and talking to them - so I pretended that I was acting - playing the part of a confident, successful woman...and that is what everyone saw. And the 'act' became part of me, and no longer an act - because I realised that I COULD do it, and that I was as good as anyone else.
You've got this Berylsgranny

That's so kind, FannyCornforth. I wish I was.

Berylsgranny have you considered that you may be depressed?
Henetha I'm sorry to hear that you feel that way - I'm sure that you are a lovely person

Beryl'sgranny, remember that what has happened to you in life was not your fault but was caused by your circumstances. Therefore, forgive yourself for being an ordinary faulty human being.

So sorry, Berylsgranny, it's not easy is it. I go through periods of utter self loathing. There are some things which help. Try mindfullness, living in the moment, lots of things online. And, as someone said above, try vitamin D.

I used to suffer terribly from LSE.
My mother was a narc and took great joy in telling me how awful I was and that I would end up in the gutter!

My self esteem has improved slowly as our children grew up to be happy and successful, our marriage got stronger and stronger and when my mother died last year any vestiges of self doubt disappeared.

I tried to turn everything on it’s head and focused on the positive things I had achieved and learned to laugh at my many mistakes.