Children’s upbringing - do you have regrets?

I hope my mother regretted the way she brought my younger sister and myself up and the way she favoured the middle daughter. She was constantly sniping at us, and the youngest sister was an accident so she had a dreadful time, but amazingly she is the most robus of the 3 of us.

crazyH
Me too!

I'll have to ask my children! I had standards but wasn't hard on them, mostly fairly laid back as a parent if I remember.
I think in the past parents could either be too strict or sometimes didn't seem to care. But today the problem is helicopter parents, over-indulging them and over-praising them. They do not need to be highly praised for every picture they paint! If they do something really excellent you need some 'high praise' in reserve for that. I sometimes feel it has now gone a bit too far the other way.

Ellie Anne

I don’t think I was a good mum. My daughter has had severe depression since her university days but I think the signs were there even in primary school and I didn’t realise. I think I pushed one son in wrong direction which he eventually turned away from and has ended up in a poorly paid job. Other son was difficult from the start and I didn’t cope with the teenage years. Two of the three struggle financially while most of my friends children have good careers and plenty money. I’m afraid I blame myself for everything

Don’t....we do the best we can. My dad used to say, we make decisions based on the ‘day’ and whatever is happening. You can’t look years down the line, and then act accordingly.
Our destination’s our destination. We can’t know how the route we take will pan out.

I hope I did the best I could for my daughter. She is a loving and generous young woman now with an adoring husband and a son who is an absolute joy to be with. She often mentions the places we used to visit, the baking we did together, and the fun days we spent during school holidays.
Every parent thinks they could do more, but it’s how our children turn out that tells us if we have done well.

Interesting talk on Ted Talks about parenting :

www.ted.com/talks/yuko_munakata_why_most_parenting_advice_is_wrong

Hindsight is a wonderful thing

I really lacked confidence, especially with the older ones as I was quite young and had a lot of loss. I feel like I have been particularly hard on one of my children too and we clash terribly but I am the person he always rings if he needs someone to rely on, so I do wonder if some of it is paranoia on my part. I am wasn't perfect, I tried my best with the set of circumstances I was given. I'm very proud of all of them. They are all so funny and visibly happy and happy with who they are, so I suppose we've achieved something so far...but yes, who hasn't muddled along?

My huge regret over my children’s childhood is that I never left their father . I did in their adulthood as his behaviour become truly abusive and I could not stay any longer, I didn’t realise just how bad it was until I had left.

I have immense regrets I didn’t do it whilst they were children They are both affected by their childhood with their father although they say I was always loving and I have a close relationship with them now also see them a lot. I still feel guilty about it. There was also the complication of their brother dying in childhood so they had a lot to deal with.

I regret going back to work when my baby boy was 7 weeks old (not by choice). The trauma still affects me. I tell my children constantly how much I adore them and even write them letters on their birthdays saying it in more detail!

Knopflerfan Thank you so much.

I wish I’d been more pushy. I was a chilled mum who considered kids having fun was more important than endless after school activities. I now look and see those who were pushed have a more aggressive way of being and push themselves forward and get on more. They ‘know’ other people who can get them jobs. They ‘know’ routes others don’t. Makes me bitter which is an emotion I hate. The good people in this world don’t seem to get on. Massive generalisation of course and am sure I’ll be shot down in flames but I can only speak from my experience.

Being too much the teacher at home like I was at school. My DH was very rarely there always at work but full of fun when he was,I was the cautious one with rules and regulations. They remember their fun with him not me keeping them safe.

Eloethan your post made me cry, I am so sorry for your loss. None of us can ever do more than our best at the time, and I certainly made a lot of mistakes with my daughter - we love each other but it still feels like walking on eggshells, and she is nearly 50 now, not a difficult teenager any more.
I hope with time you will be kinder to yourself, I'm sure all of us Gransnetters are sending you our love. I know I am.

I have many regrets, especially since my daughter had some significant difficulties in life, caused at least in part by our parenting skills - or lack of them. Sadly, she died recently and my feelings of guilt and regret are intensified.

We now realise we were far too strict and inflexible and we were also quite critical. Constant praise is probably not the right way to go either but I think it is preferable to making a person feel that everything they do is not quite up to the mark

I don’t think I was a good mum. My daughter has had severe depression since her university days but I think the signs were there even in primary school and I didn’t realise. I think I pushed one son in wrong direction which he eventually turned away from and has ended up in a poorly paid job. Other son was difficult from the start and I didn’t cope with the teenage years. Two of the three struggle financially while most of my friends children have good careers and plenty money. I’m afraid I blame myself for everything

bearl I do feel for you - what a terrible experience to have had. I hope your adult life has been so much better.

I was too strict, too harsh, and would give anything for another chance to show how much I loved and appreciated my beautiful children but, that said, I have a loving relationship with them all and have striven to be a kinder, more relaxed grandparent.

Missiseff the situation must be so hard for you. So sorry to hear of your pain. All I can say is time does sometimes change things....dont blame yourself too much.
I didnt do very well with our first son, I was 24 and am an only child myself with no idea about babies.We also lived far from any relatives or friends. He now has a hard time with his wife who has Altzheimers and I think I take the fallout as he says some very harsh things which hurt a lot ( when I think I am being helpful). Our second son , born when I was 34 had a much easier early life as I had learnt so much more. We were more mature as parents with security and more money. Unfortunately I havent seen him for two years as he lives in the USA. I know eldest sons life was made harder by the choices I made when he was growing up.

Parenting is sometimes very difficult, because children have such different personalities. My eldest daughter was headstrong and I had to be strict with her at times. Whilst the youngest was a sweet little thing and so easy to manage.I regret being hard on my eldest. as I now realize it was her personality that made her the way was. As an adult she is a very popular person with lots of friends. This is because she is such fun to be with. Her grandchildren have a ball when they see her.

Who is perfect? I am sure my daughter could say I did some things wrong but I did my best. My parents were not demonstrative or full of praise no matter how well I did so I was the opposite hugging supporting and at school complaining when my daughter was bullied. You cannot help but think of Harry who seems to have found the magic bullet for parenting. Just wait until his children grow up because they will not be happy with everything for sure. I never blamed my parents they lived in different times the don`t tell the children anything times. They did their best and thats all we can do

my mother told me she hated me and she meant it i never had any show of affection or cuddles from her just blamed for everything she did wrong she even blamed me for my Dads death (heart attack) I was in hospital at the time.

Lovely thing for your daughter to say Rose

Everyone has made mistakes along the way bringing up children, we learn as we go along, I don’t believe there is a perfect mother or father, it’s very smug to come out and say you have done everything perfect! I’m happy how ours have turned out and grown into very independent adults, we brought them up to give respect etc and they all know they are loved, we get on well

My sister and I were very different; I was academic, she has other talents. I think my parents didn't want to praise me too much in case it upset her, but in our teens it was clear (to her at least) that I was the favourite. They sent us to different senior schools, with the idea that teachers would not compare her to me, but she saw it as not being 'good enough'. It has given her anxiety problems in adult life.
When we had two daughters we tried very hard to treat them equally, despite them having very different personalities. They have both achieved great careers, have happy memories of their childhood and try to give their children the same experiences they had, so we must have done something right!
My sister and I have become much closer recently; my daughters have always had a good relationship with each other. My only regret is that I didn't take more photos of my second daughter as a baby as she complains that we took loads of her sister but not her, and the ones we took all had her older sister in!

How lovely Rose
Well done you.