Lonely and Depressed Introvert.

I understand the problem, I recognise it, but I have gradually realised that to make friends I need to be much more proactive, and that doing that does not come easily to me

I have family, which helps and about 4 close friends, one from school, two from my children's childhood. Generally we are kindred spirits and they are outgoing and befriended me.

However, I have one friend I made myself through GN. I knew she lived alone and lived in my area and when she reported a domestic disaster on GN. I pm-ed her and suggested coffee. You have know idea how hard that was to do that, but I had by then realised that friends have to be earned and other people are probably as introverted and self-contained as I am, so if neither of us are prepared to make the effort we all remain in our little bubbles alone.

My pm received a friendly reply, we met and have now know each other over 5 years.

Where activities are concerned, it isn't just a question of attending, it is taking part in activities and joining in that builds up relationships, in other words, volunteer to make tea, ask people thing, about the activity about themselves.

It doesn't come easily, I am someone who if people do not itnerest me I tend to do my own thing. I realise now that, to use a saying from a different context you need to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince and that applies to friends as well.

SueSocks I’m exactly like you but in my case, I’m not worried about being an introvert. I find I get all the friendship I need from online sites, Facebook, GN and others. And you still have your husband which is great! All the best x

sue when things are more normal you could check out reading groups through your library. They’ll probably know which group takes it all very seriously and which are more social and just half read the books I order to meet up for a chat. A lot of libraries have had to organise things like board games afternoons to try and expand the people coming through he door so do check out the various libraries in your region, they might have something in the near future that you will enjoy being part of.

V3ra

As you enjoy reading and gardening, I'd start with looking for a book club and a gardening club. Your library might have some information about these.
Best wishes x

Thanks V3ra, gardening club sounds like a good idea, I hadn’t thought about this. As for a book club, sadly that’s a no! An ex-colleague invited me to join her book club when I retired, I hated it! I get totally engrossed in a book that I am reading & a couple of hours after finishing it, have no idea what happened & it’s on to the next. I went to several meetings but didn’t enjoy it at all, it reminded me of doing A-level English Literature! I didn’t want to analyse books in such detail, they all took it very seriously! Thanks for the suggestions, I will definitely look into gardening clubs.

As others have said Sue there is nothing wrong or to be ashamed of in being an introvert.

Though the journey to being happy in your own skin with it can be a challenging one.

For many years I thought there was something wrong with me. So while parts of my personality were on the sociable side, I did experience a lot of social anxiety too.

A book by Susan Cain called Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking was a tremendous help in enabling me to understand what introversion is - basically introverts get their energy from within, and extroverts get theirs from without - i.e. other people.

This book essentially enabled me to understand that while I had aspects sociability, the reasons why I could get exhausted and stressed by too much of it, and I now know what my own 'sweet spot' is in terms of real life interactions with people. And crucially it enabled me to accept the introvert who I am.

My DH sounds similar to your's in that his is happy in his own skin without the company of others, whereas I (and it sounds like you too?) do have some need for the company of other people. I count myself very lucky in that I do have good friends that I can reach out to.

It sounds like you were doing some very positive things before Covid hit us, and if you do have the need for some social interaction you will have to push yourself - not easy I know, as I'm guessing that you will be feeling 'out of practice'. Some other posters have made some good suggestions, and having dog can be a really lovely ice breaker while out on walks. Its about embarking on paths that you are comfortable with and that work for you.

I wish you the very best of luck.

As you enjoy reading and gardening, I'd start with looking for a book club and a gardening club. Your library might have some information about these.
Best wishes x

So sorry that you are having problems. But I think that you have to split the Introverted part of your problem away from your anxiety and depression.
You must already have coping skills for being an introvert, reading, walking the dog and various other indoor or garden hobbies, have you tried online learning or even an online hobby? You could get started on your family tree, it’s very absorbing or even learn a new skill via YouTube.
The anxiety is another issue, you say that joining things isn’t for you and that you don’t feel comfortable given the current Covid situation, I think we are all wary of venturing out and that will be the case until we get use to it again, but at some stage we will have to get out and rejoin the part time jobs and volunteering that we all used to do.
Once we have had 2 vaccinations there really is no excuse to stay indoors and if you are finding that daunting then I think a call to your GP would be in order, or even an online counsellor.
DH is itching to get back to ‘normal’ I’m quite happy pottering in the garden, online Family tree, crafting, jigsaws, sewing, plus baking and cooking.
Going out and joining things is my idea of hell.

Some great advice here Sue and you are most definitely not alone. One of the good things about being introverted is that you're probably a good listener. Please don't despair, things will get better, just take things slowly, after all you can start a conversation with someone at a bus stop. Many of us are champing at the bit to rejoin normal life, please don't worry.

Have you tried a walking group? You can usually take the dog too. You will talk and walk so even if you don’t make friends it is very sociable and fresh air and exercise is healthy too.

The pandemic really put the kybosh on many of our lives and contributed not only to loneliness while we were locked down but an awareness of other people “getting going” again when restrictions were lifted. Paradoxically I felt less lonely when we were all in the same boat!.
I lost my DH at the end of 2017 and it took me 12-18 months to feel ready to (try to) pick up the activities which saved my sanity in bereavement, and without guilt on the occasions when I found I actually enjoyed something. So that was 2019 and of course it all ground to a halt in 2020.
Now I have to start all over again - going to things on my own, being the one to initiate meetings or invitations to coffee or lunch and acutely aware of couples enjoying days out or meals etc with friends. I agee that everybody else seems to have friendship groups or family but of course with my sensible head on I realise that is not the case!
Do not feel that being introverted is a bad thing, do not feel guilty because you enjoy losing yourself in a book or the company of your dog! Do not believe social media platforms where everybody is “having fun” - nobody ever posted they were sitting down to beans on toast and an old box set of “The Two Ronnies”
You certainly are not the only one- I started a thread a couple of weeks ago about the misery of lonely Sundays and a lot of posters knew exactly where I was coming from. Some of us are “joiners” and some are not, so, if you can give something a go, do so but do not let yourself be talked into golf/ volunteering/ coffee with strangers at Garden Centres/walking groups if you absolutely hate the idea! Of course you might be pleasantly surprised

By places I meant places like the library or I have heard some areas have cafes that are more community minded and have a regular group booking for anyone who needs to get out of the house and/or would like to sit with others rather than on their own.

Maybe you could start volunteering based at home, I do one day a week on the phone organising lifts for those that need them through a good neighbours scheme. I too think some counselling may help, check for groups local to you, some will do this by phone. Good luck.

Just wanted to say you are definitely not alone. I cannot say more than that and I do not know what else you can do Really. As you know trying various groups until you find one that suits you is difficult because you have to keep trying and the dynamics of a group can change so it may be that if you don’t keep trying you could miss out in what could end up being a good group for you. It is hard as the only way is to push and expose yourself to opportunities. Small Swimming group near you, group swimming lessons, a gardening club, community garden club, visiting places or walking at particular times of the day may meet familiar faces that then turn into a hello etc gradually. Hope your mood will soon lift. I have turned to comedies on the radio which have helped, until I ran out of the really good ones!

I didn't want to just click away, so sorry you are feeling like this. Friendships are never instant, and it can take a couple of years of being in something like U3A before you find someone to see and talk to regularly. It also takes huge courage to walk into something new, especially as we have been paralysed by fear for so long. If you have any crumb of faith, a local church would help if you can pluck up the courage to speak to the clergy when you go.

I do wonder if a bit of counselling might enable you to understand yourself and what you need from social interactions? Also a chat with a GP is never a bad idea to check on a depression score if you are having really bad days.

I wish you well and hope things brighten a little for you.