Am I wrong to feel so bad?

Poor you. You are being taken for granted. The more you do for some people, the less you are thought of.
You don’t make a fuss , so they think you will always be available and happy to help.

Start to say ‘No’ and step back.
They’ll soon realise how much you mean to them.

F, your mail makes me feel so sad. We started off celebrating all of our birthdays ever since the children were born and it simply continued. It kind of taught the children that life was not all about them and more about each and every one of us. I think I would be inclined to take myself away on a special celebration and not tell any one of them.

Couldn’t your DH mention to them that you would like something special for your birthday.

"DH is too lazy to do anything. He would give me the money to buy anything I wanted, but has no imagination or inclination to do anything for me."

Your kids seem to follow your dh's lead and role model he put out there.
Please do not make excuses for your dh, he failed you there and you seem to have settled with him
I hope he has other redeeming qualities - not cool to ignore your wife

People are not mind readers - could you tell them what you want?

Couldn’t pass by without sending a virtual hug and a bunch of flowers. There’s lots of good advice here so I can’t add anything better.
I’d love to throw a party for you! You sound like the most loving & kind Mum. Chin up & yes, maybe step back a little bit. That way you’ll wrest back a bit of control which might help you feel better?

janeainsworth

I would just come out with it.
I’d say to DH, ‘It’s my birthday next week and I’d like something small, shiny and expensive.’ Alternatively, I’d buy something small, shiny and expensive myself, give it to him & say ‘This is my birthday present from you, please could you wrap it up and give it to me on the day.’

To the AC I’d say ‘It’s my birthday next week, I’d like a gift voucher to a spa/expensive restaurant/ theatre.’

Believe me, it can be done
Good luck Flossie - you deserve better!

Exactly that ??
If you act as a doormat ( so the saying goes) people will walk all over you.
Tell your nearest and dearest the truth, and see what they do next time, or on Mothers Day or at Christmas.
If they don’t change their ways then stop being so helpful all the time.

lemongrove

janeainsworth

I would just come out with it.
I’d say to DH, ‘It’s my birthday next week and I’d like something small, shiny and expensive.’ Alternatively, I’d buy something small, shiny and expensive myself, give it to him & say ‘This is my birthday present from you, please could you wrap it up and give it to me on the day.’

To the AC I’d say ‘It’s my birthday next week, I’d like a gift voucher to a spa/expensive restaurant/ theatre.’

Believe me, it can be done
Good luck Flossie - you deserve better!

Exactly that ??
If you act as a doormat ( so the saying goes) people will walk all over you.
Tell your nearest and dearest the truth, and see what they do next time, or on Mothers Day or at Christmas.
If they don’t change their ways then stop being so helpful all the time.

I agree.
They need a short sharp shock.

Do it - remember, we're all behind you!

Remember: it’s only the squeaky wheel that gets the oil.

Perhaps the other gran gave heavy hints that she wanted a party.
Perhaps the young couple know that she'll expect one and not be happy if she doesn't get it.
Obviously, I have no idea but it's possible the party etc is not a sign of greater regard for her at all.

It's a separate matter, tho, that you would like to feel appreciated by being given a thoughtful gift.
I think you're right not to say anything about wanting a gift, or a party.
Maybe you could say something about feeling that they might not want to see you so often, when you cut back on inviting them.
Then they might think about how to show you that they care about you.

It's a tricky one, tho.

(For DH, tell him that it was so lovely when he got you a surprise present and you wish he'd do that sort of thing now and again.)

Ok, Flossie how about on your next birthday you book yourself ( and your friend) into a spa weekend.
Watch their faces then ?

Callistemon

lemongrove

janeainsworth

I would just come out with it.
I’d say to DH, ‘It’s my birthday next week and I’d like something small, shiny and expensive.’ Alternatively, I’d buy something small, shiny and expensive myself, give it to him & say ‘This is my birthday present from you, please could you wrap it up and give it to me on the day.’

To the AC I’d say ‘It’s my birthday next week, I’d like a gift voucher to a spa/expensive restaurant/ theatre.’

Believe me, it can be done
Good luck Flossie - you deserve better!

Exactly that ??
If you act as a doormat ( so the saying goes) people will walk all over you.
Tell your nearest and dearest the truth, and see what they do next time, or on Mothers Day or at Christmas.
If they don’t change their ways then stop being so helpful all the time.

I agree.
They need a short sharp shock.

Do it - remember, we're all behind you!

Oh I'm sorry to disagree, but my experience is if the op takes her support away it will just make the others cross and end up blaming her.

Equally, if she buys her own prezzy or tells them what she wants. she will feel as if she is being pushy. It's not the prezzy she wants, its the thoughtfulness that made them buy it that matters.

It wont bring that feeling that I agree with her is missing, of Oh they love me enough to do so and so.

Sorry you are feeling this way flossiebo.

Perhaps you can indulge yourself and your friend a little more than usual?
I'm glad you have a life long good friend

Oh I'm sorry to disagree, but my experience is if the op takes her support away it will just make the others cross and end up blaming her.

I didn't mean taking support away - in fact I was thinking of telling them exactly how she feels, she's not a doormat, she'd like some appreciation and she has feelings.
Putting up and shutting up is not always the answer, they may have a shock, if she is normally quiet, uncomplaining and biddable, but suddenly lets rip and tells them how she feels in no uncertain terms!

Flossie , (my dearest childhood friend is also called Flossie).
I am hurting for you. Children do take us for granted. We are always there ……i am supposed to be visiting my son and his little family on Tuesday. I was looking forward to having a nice relaxing day and then later go over to their house for tea. Instead, I get a call from d.I.l. asking me to do that “nice chicken dish you make and bring it over please?” . As someone said earlier, there are givers and we Mums, certainly are….
Hope you feel better knowing that you are not the only doormat here

Flossie I hope this isn’t going to sound too bad, BUT I think your husband is to blame as with your subsequent posts it sounds as if the children have been brought up with these lazy expectations, that your place in their lives is to be there for them all the time, and because you fell into this role and have a ‘giving’ personality you have continued to be the ‘giver’

I can understand you not wanting to say anything to them, (if you’re anything like me you ll burst into tears) I can also understand you not wanting to withdraw any help
BUT
So glad you are having a few days away with that lovely friend of yours turn your phone off while you are there I m sure she has a landline if there was an emergency and try and forget them all for a brief time
And next time your son has a birthday send him a card that says ‘Happy birthday Granddad’

I really feel for you Flossiebo. I know exactly how you feel, I could have written your post myself. I've always been there for them all, sometimes in some extremely stressful situations, and often feel totally taken for granted. It's not about the present (or invitation), it's about the thought that goes into it, and we didn't bring them up to be thoughtless and selfish. I often cry about it and my mental health has suffered because of it, so I don't have an answer, I'm afraid. I try to heed suggestions that I should expect nothing and then anything I do receive (as in thoughtful and loving deeds) is a bonus, but I've never been able to master that attitude, I just find the whole situation very hurtful. I'm sorry I can't help, but I wish you all the best.

namsnanny Equally, if she buys her own prezzy or tells them what she wants. she will feel as if she is being pushy
It’s not being pushy. It’s being assertive.
Up here there’s a saying shy bairns get nowt

Being taken for granted by AC seems to be a common complaint on Gransnet.
Just in case either of my DD’s are stalking me on here, neither of them, nor my DS, takes me or MrA for granted.

I Think Flossie has explained that she wouldnt say anything to her family I think she is scared that they will stop bringing the GC and she dosent want to rock the boat. Flossie im sorry but if you dont say anything then Im afraid nothing will change and you will always feel used and invisable. It is up to you but I fear you will just carry on as usual and it will eat away at you. Im sorry but you are the only one who can change this. Have a lovely time with your friend.
And I hope one day your family will see what a lovely person you are and treat you as you deserve.

I have no answers but here are some and to cheer you up and I send you my Best Wishes ......... and enjoy your visit to your friend x

You are definitely being taken for granted and things need to change, however I think you need to be clever how you go about it so you don't end up cutting your nose off so to speak...

Regarding the childcare during the school holidays, is this something you enjoy doing and would miss if you stopped?
If so, try and think of it as your precious time with your grandchild rather than you helping the parents.
Likewise with the weekends away with your grandchild, think of them as a treat for the two of you, rather than it being a break for the parents.
Plenty of grans on here would be envious of that contact.

As for the Sunday lunches, it's a lot of work for you, but do you enjoy seeing them all and would you miss them if you stopped?
If so, say that next Sunday you'll all be going out for a carvery dinner instead of you cooking.
Or Sunday lunch at a garden centre.
Or a picnic and tell them all what they need to contribute.
Think about what you would be happy with, and don't feel you have to do all the work all the time.

If any of them express surprise, say that now you're 60 you've decided you need to make some changes in your life!
And definitely make the most of your stay with your lovely friend ?

I just want to put another pov, without dismissing the hurt you feel.

We have always been 'low key' about birthdays - except when children were small - our kids remember our birthdays, but no big fuss.
One of our sons has married into a family that are BIG on celebrating - his in-laws (lovely people) would be VERY upset if a fuss wasn't made just because that is how it has always been. They are also big on joint holidays and because DiL's holiday time is limited, they always go away with her parents and rarely with us, and I've never worried too much.

During covid-times I have found myself getting a bit upset about this. We had asked them to join us on a holiday last year - we gave a year's notice so she could sort things out with her parents - and it was agreed (they are not unreasonable, just used to things being the way they are!). It was of course cancelled, but when we tried to re-arrange, it was her family who had priority. They have had a difficult time so I knew I should be gracious (and indeed, saying how I felt would only have upset her and my son, not solved anything!)
But I find being gracious so much harder now! I do know that my son (who is very fond of his in-laws) and DiL are grateful that we are the less fussy side of the family.

I don't know if and how you should change things, but I would let things settle a bit from these strange times and see how you feel then.
If you do decide to say something, you will be saying it calmly, less upset than you are now.
You may even say something like 'well, we've never fussed about birthdays, but covid made me think that I would like a really nice party next year - do you think we could sort it?'

Good luck!

So sorry Flossie. I used to do a 'birthday' table for my kids and late husband, and was pleased recently when my son sent me a photo of the 'table' he'd done for his girlfriend. Not sure she wanted another tortoise .... !

Book a couple of nights away with husband in a posh hotel for your next birthday. Let them all know- maybe by inviting them all over for Sunday lunch out somewhere the week before so they can celebrate with you. Should prompt presents and gifts. Oh and make sure your time away with husband includes shopping for your birthday gift!

I don't think you are being pathetic at all. I think you are being taken for granted and it's just plain mean of them. What is the matter with some people that they can be so thoughtless ?
Perhaps you can bring yourself to tell them what you think?
And buy yourself something nice, - you deserve it.

Callistemon

^Oh I'm sorry to disagree, but my experience is if the op takes her support away it will just make the others cross and end up blaming her^.

I didn't mean taking support away - in fact I was thinking of telling them exactly how she feels, she's not a doormat, she'd like some appreciation and she has feelings.
Putting up and shutting up is not always the answer, they may have a shock, if she is normally quiet, uncomplaining and biddable, but suddenly lets rip and tells them how she feels in no uncertain terms!

Yes I agree that ** and her family deserve to be honest with each other.
To explain the problem and give the other party the chance to put it right, is by far the best way to go.
Just in my experience, its expecting a person who hasn't thought this out for themselves to suddenly get it

flossiebo

You know, now I am older I can see lots of little things I could have done for my Mum. The thing is when I was young I didn’t know how she would feel when her children moved away or when she had grandchildren.

If she’d said Could you ring twice a week, I would have done it happily. I only rang once a week because that’s what I did when we could only send letters. Write once a week. It just didn’t occur to me.

If she’d said I’d love you all to come home for my birthday we would have gone home if we could. Because she didn’t say anything we thought she was happy with the card.

People often just don’t think unless you say. It doesn’t have to be an unpleasant You don’t do this for me. It can be a fun This is what I’d like.

For my next birthday I’d like us all to - go sledging in the snow dome - go to a festival- have a barbecue in the garden. Something you’ll all enjoy.

Incidentally, I can’t help thinking that somewhere there’s a thread from the other Granny envying you for having had contact with the GC all through lockdown. I bet she’d have swapped the party for that?