Am I wrong to feel so bad?

Yup - tell them how you feel. I bet they have no clue and just take you for granted. They are lacking imagination,obviously and with some you just have to spell it out. Don’t feel embarrassed just tell them you are feeling hurt and unloved. You are most definitely not pathetic but a loving and caring person.

I get it. You do all the work, the ‘ other side’ get the fun. We can’t help how we feel, even when we know it’s probably making the best of the circumstances we’re in.

We’ve always had a similar thing with one of my sons and his family. We live in the same town. DIL’s family two hours away. I did childcare for two of the children, separate times. The first, three days a week, the second, one day.

Every single holiday, from day one of them being together, has been spent with her family, or at least most of them. I understand there’s no other way. Her mother once said she was jealous of me having the day to day contact. I said that was only because of dropping off/ picking up grandchildren. My son has spent far more time over the years, with his in laws, than us.
BUT.....I’ve had that time with my grandchildren, and you can’t put a price on that. If you said to me, would I have liked it the other way round....definitely not?. I wouldn’t have wanted them staying with us for one night, let alone a full week! I love them dearly, but live with them? NO?.
Sometimes we have to be careful what we hanker for. The other side isn’t necessarily how it looks. You’ve had access to your grandchild.
I understand your disappointment over the birthday thing, but that’ll be a distant memory. Your grandchild, as do mine, will always have that extra bond with you.
Take care

This is sad, but I also understand completely. However, I personally wouldn’t ask for the same things. I always think if you have to do that, it’s not worth having. I would talk about it with my husband though. He should be sensitive to your needs and act accordingly. Also, don’t stop doing things for your grandchild. You will lose out, not them, they’ll just find someone else, and then you may really find yourself slipping further down the pecking order.
In answer to your question, you are not pathetic, or making a fuss about nothing. The whole thing sounds really hurtful, but don’t cut off your nose to spite your face. It sounds like your grandchild needs you.

Gosh, thank you all for so many messages!

I love having my granddaughter, we have a very close relationship, and I have absolutely no concerns that she would be kept from me if I did say anything. Because I know that my children love me.

I honestly and truly understand the advice given, but it just isn't in me to say anything. I would always feel that they were doing something because they had to, not because they wanted to.

I need to take more responsibility for making my self feel better.

Instead of changing my plans to be there for them, they will have to learn to fit around me in the future - at least then I can't complain about being taken for granted !

As for DH, there is a huge backstop which does not really affect this particular story, but he can be left out of the equation ?

I am going to book a few days away for my birthday and if anything is said I will just say that I have decided to start treating myself!

Thank you for being so kind and listening to a good long moan! It has helped me enormously to take charge of the situation, rather than just being upset, so please don't think that just because I won't say anything that I haven't been listening.

*backstory, not backstop!

You are not being pathetic at all, I too would feel hurt. In fact, I do sometimes yearn, just once, for someone in my small family to do something spontaneous for me, for DH to buy me a small bit of jewellry. Yes, I can buy it myself, but that's not the point is it?

My late husband used to say, sometimes it feels like we ask for nothing - and nothing’s what we get. Sad but true.

We’ll done for deciding to do something for yourself. Gransnet comments are useful to help to clarify your mind. Help you see there are various options & ways of viewing problems. Upto you which bits of advice you can use! And don’t forgot to treat yourself to some nice presents while away!

Eternaloptimist

My late husband used to say, sometimes it feels like we ask for nothing - and nothing’s what we get. Sad but true.

I think that is very true.

Your family might be quite shocked to realise you feel unappreciated, Flossiebo.
They are used to accepting everything you do for them as their due. Your DIL may think that your DS is sorting out his mother's birthday and that you are happy and your DS both take after their father.

They will never know unless you say something but if you can't do that then yes, go ahead and treat yourself.
If they ask why that could be your opportunity to say that you're treating yourself because no-one else does.

I would be so bloody apologetic about it
Don't! Don't apologise for being you.
I think many older women were brought up to be well-mannered and compliant and lack confidence.

I don’t think you are wrong to feel the way you do. You should be treated exactly the same as other family members and not just taken for granted. I no longer celebrate my birthday or Christmas, a long story but both were completely ruined a few years ago and much as I love a family get together and celebration, I now refuse to do anything as I don’t want things ruined again, I just say that I don’t want anything (really I do!).

I promise you're not being pathetic or needy x

I think many older women were brought up to be well-mannered and compliant and lack confidence

so do I.

Flossiebo, I am SO delighted by your decision to take a celebrity few days away. My heart warms at the very thought. My next wish is that you actually manage to enjoy yourself and be totally free of any sort of misplaced guilt. Go girl!

Dear Flossie,
You are not being unreasonable nor are you being a pest.

You are suffering from a very common ill: being taken for granted by the children you love and are very, very good to.

Like so many of us, you have never made a fuss, which probably your DH has greatly appreciated, as by and large no husband understands why his wife makes such a thing of birthdays or anniversaries.

BECAUSE you never made a fuss, your children have never realised that you would like a fuss made of you - I bet the mother-in-law you mentioned never gives anyone a chance to forget her birthday!

Like you, your children never say they want a fuss made or appreciate all that you do for them, but that does not mean they do not love you. They just think you know that.

Hope this helps a bit.

Gosh. I’d be furious. You’re not being pathetic at all. I wouldn’t ‘rise above it’ or ‘put big girl pants on’. I’d give them what for. Ooh I’m furious for you!!! I’ve had similar things happen over the years and each time I’ve made it clear it’s not acceptable. Some people think it’s ok to ignore birthdays. I don’t. It’s the one day in the years that’s yours and yours alone. It should be respected and celebrated. Am going for a cuppa now to calm down! ??

I would feel the same in your position and in fact I have done, on more than one occasion felt that other family members have had more attention and caring from family that I have.
Sadly, people like us spend so much time running around after other people and so people accept that is how we like it!
I think that you either need to make your feelings known to everyone and explain how hurt that you feel, or instead of paying for adults to have a break at your expense and taking their children away so often, arrange your own "non birthday" party either by inviting everyone out for a meal, or having a garden party that has been catered for(doesn't have to be super expensive, just a nice buffet) and make it known that seeing as no one else could be bothered to celebrate your birthday in any way, you decided to DiY! If family can't be bothered to come, ask friends instead !
I'd also be tempted to book myself in for a pamper day at your husband's expense as well, while you are at it!

I think the trigger is the fact that your co-mother in law, who has done nothing to help her family during covid while you soldiered on, is being treated as some sort of hero now she has so bravely decided it is safe to emerge from hiding.

You are absolutely right to feel aggrieved and you need some way of getting this through to your insensitive family; is there a mutual acquaintance who could do this? Having a similar party is not the same if you have had to ask for it, although I bet the other mother in law has no such scruples.

They are taking you for granted, you are not in any way shape or form being needy! Maybe the wife wears the trousers and your son feels as if he has to go along with things for a quiet life, I feel for you I really do, I think you are doing right I’d also stop the Sunday lunches and not be so available in future, they are really taking the mickey, it makes me cross to hear how you are being treated, you sound such a lovely lady,

There is no way I would buy a present and give it to my husband to wrap. A gift should have some thought behind it from the giver. You know my mum used to say 'the better you treat someone the worse they treat you' and she proved it so may times. Maybe you are too nice. I think you need to pull back. Let them know you are hurt, they haven't got a crystal ball so have no idea how you feel. Also, now as you know the rules of gift giving do the same - little or nothing! I am a little perplexed though when you say you 'had contact' with them regularly during the pandemic - did they come and visit?

Dear Flossiebo, I really understand and no, you’re not pathetic or needy. You give so much thought, time and care to your family and it’s taken for granted. I agree with you that asking for a present or party would probably mean you got it, but it just wouldn’t be the same without the giver having actually thought about it. I understand it’s the feeling of love and thoughtfulness you need rather than the actual gift. This might sound daft, but are you able to have a pet? As you will have guessed, I have a dog. They give so much unconditional love and are a huge comfort. Cats too and more appropriate if you’re out a lot. I’ve always had rescues or strays. Hugely rewarding. The discussion about getting a pet can be a natural trigger for reasons why without the conversation being forced. I do hope things get better for you. One other thing, perhaps you could cook the Sunday roast just once a month and have the family take you for a pub lunch on the other Sunday that you’d usually be cooking for them? Sending you hugs.

jaylucy brilliant idea. I’d go for that. A bit passive aggressive but hey. So what. Btw I keep reading comments about the DIL. If my DD behaved badly towards her MIL she’d know about it. I didn’t bring her up to be selfish and disrespectful. We - those with kids - work damn hard for our kids and deserve every respect. As for your DH - he should be ashamed.