Concerns for unhygienic state of the home my Grandson lives in.

He works 6/7 days a week, 10 hour days. When home he looks after his son. I never said he wasn't also responsible.

I have spoken to my son also several times

Sounds to me like you hold your DIL entirely responsible, which is possibly one reason she's struggling. She's got a small child and a grown man to look after. Perhaps you should be asking why your son hasn't taken it upon himself to clean up. Is he used to being waited on? Give him some cleaning gear and this book for his birthday www.amazon.co.uk/Clean-Like-Man-Housekeeping-Women/dp/140004975X?tag=gransnetforum-21

My son and Dil ran a chaotic messy house and the brand new kitchen he built? Ugh!! Anyways as lockdown began to bite I believe that Dil started to get better at doing normal stuff like tydying up getting laundry done more quickly (and no she has not worked for 9years) I suppose because she was unable to swan off to coffee mornings play dates etc with youngest , she HAD to do something as they(3kids) were all on top of each other all day every day for months! Result?! Hopefully she's seen the light that a house more organised is easier to run! i get this all second hand from other son's partner as Dil has consistently banished me from their lives ...oh apart from when any #3 was due as was baby#1was due to start school... And she was desperate for help... Once shed finished with me, she banished me again(a real charmer). I don't give a stuff about her ormy sonant more just pleased to hear the kids are getting a better deal....maybe? And no. I'm not a fanatical polisher, I'm pretty laid back as when working I was run ragged and housework was down the list although I did have a modestly decent house and clean stuff always ready to wear!

So they have dogs as well as 5 cats, ziggy? You mention the “yard”. Are you in the US? Not that location really matters but you paint a very graphic picture of the lack of hygiene in your grandson’s home and, if it’s true, then it’s very concerning.

Sorry, I couldn't ignore this. We're not just talking about messy, untidy. This is a whole new level, and you must say something to keep your grandson safe. If it results in being estranged, isn't that better than to lose him to some horrible infection? I know it's hard, but needs to be done. This is far and beyond ' normal' mayhem. Who else is going to do it? They could both be suffering from depression. It's not always obvious. Good luck.

Ziggy01 I imagine it must be upsetting for you to see your
GS living in such unhygienic conditions although that is the way some people choose to live. I do have experience of it
because my own daughter can often not even see the mess she lives in and on any visits to her home I felt more than uncomfortable as it smelt and was dirty. I would be careful about the suggesting of doing cleaning for them as my daughter became rather hostile to that suggestion and said it was her house not mine. I do not visit there anymore as I
would not even drink a cup of tea from her because of the mess.

In regard of the vast number of cats that is far too many plus litter trays everywhere. Does a health visitor still visit or does the child go to nursery? I ask this because a woman and her husband I used to talk to when walking my dogs they had ten cats. These cats lived inside and out and were continually breeding and they had two children the youngest a boy of nine. What happened was the school started to complain as children in school said the boy smelt and nobody would sit near him. From the school S.S. became involved and found the house covered in cats urine even the beds. SS ordered the couple to get rid of most of the cats and maybe keep two and they had to throw out bedding and mattresses. It was sad really because the woman had M.S and she was not that well and the husband was the full time carer. I had the R.S.P.C.A
number and gave it to them and it was arranged that most of the cats would go and I took two cats to have neutered for them so no more cat breeding. It all worked out well and the son was kept clean and no longer smelt. They have moved now although i see them occasionally and they are okay.
I too would be concerned about the cats and correct hygiene,
Hope you get it sorted soon.

How many dogs are there Ziggy?

cornishpatsy

It seems the main problem is the cats, personally I think it is cruel to have 5 indoor cats.

Could you persuade them that the cats would be happier if they were aloud out, getting rid of the litter trays would be a big difference.

Are they in a rented property? If so a discreet word with their landlord or letting agent would mean an inspection of the property.

I agree.
If Ziggy is in the US, most cats seem to be indoor ones.
All that really can be done otherwise is to speak to the parents about the danger to health from the trays.Why does anyone need five cats?
I bet most of us juggled a job, children and a house, and pets, but we had clean houses, clean clothes and no health risks.
I can’t understand why people are so lazy, because that’s exactly what it boils down to.

They have dogs as well?. Oh my goodness!
I would be telling my son that it is his duty to ensure his son is brought up in a healthy environment. This may mean hiring a cleaner as he is clearly working extremely long hours or impressing on his wife that she needs to up her game.
The menagerie should go.
Please don’t speak to your d-i-l, it is not your place. Your son however needs to realise what he is accepting is appalling.
In your situation I would be offering to take the child while they work on bringing their home up to tolerable living standards.

I certainly do not consider my DIL solely responsible. I have spoken to my son often. He unfortunately is out of the house working long hours 6 days a week. He has tried to discuss the situation with her without success.

Indoor cats are cruel a cat should be out and about exploring and (being a nuisance) sounds like you’re in the US we rarely talk of yards, how many dogs in ‘the yard? It all sound awful but that’s how some people want to live not much you can do I m sure many children have grown up to be strong stable humans from such beginnings
The only way is to talk to your son in a helpful way but I don’t hold out much help this is obviously what 5bey are both comfortable with
Different standards to yours

BlueBelle ; I did not pick up on the OP being in the U.S with the talk of a "yard". My neighbours are black British although they have connections to Jamaica, two of the sons call the house and out back the yard. Their mother does not but just add that she keeps the house immaculate. Several Jamaicans I know also call the house the yard, which they would if living back home.

Still wondering how many dogs are running around the yard?
Do they get on with the cats? It’s all a bit strange. Or rather worrying.

Which country are you in Ziggy? I must stress an important aspect of this is how it will affect your son's life as he grows, his ability to form friendships and invite his friends home. It won't be possible as any decent parent would not allow their child to visit. Maybe that is something you could point out to your son.
They should get a deep clean done and then have a weekly cleaner. But the problem will not be solved while the cats remain indoors.

It seems the OP has not come back to us Also interested to know how many dogs they have to feed care for and exercise.
Do the dogs and cats come into contact do they get on? If your son and DIL are both working then there is no time for caring for dogs and cats.
Anyway talking of cleaning I need to finish off a few jobs and get my dogs out for a walk my posts were only trying to be helpful only sometimes people seem to think you are critical of them.

I consider that an unhealthy environment for a young child and would probably have to say something.

Oh dear sorry Ziggy but it’s making me feel quite queasy! I wouldn’t keep quiet I’d be really worried about the little grandson, it might not be your business how they live, but I’d be having words with both of them, surely they can understand that it’s not healthy to live like this, fridge dirty microwave, dirty nappies cat litter in a open bag in a pantry, shower and toilet filthy, their home must really smell, I would be paying for a cleaner to come in couple of times a week, and do as much as I could to help them if lived near, both your DIL and Son are responsible for the home they live in, wonder if they are suffering depression OP

3nanny6. The OP has been back a number of times, the last time just 30 min before your post.
On Mumsnet all the OP’s posts are coloured which is so much clearer. No idea why it is not like that here on Gransnet.

OP said dil as well as son works. How they could possibly find time to look after a child, five cats and dogs (how many, obvs more than one) properly and keep the house clean and tidy I cannot imagine. The animals are the cause of a lot of the problems and things have got totally out of hand. I agree that it is unkind to keep cats indoors and I don’t believe in having a dog if you go out to work. IMO the animals have to be rehomed except perhaps two cats if allowed outside as well as inside, with litter tray at night only if kept in overnight, as mine were, otherwise none. The pets are not living in suitable conditions and cannot be happy. Cats are by nature very clean. Whole house needs a proper deep clean and then possibly a weekly cleaner if they still can’t manage. Also sounds like a dishwasher would be a good idea! And no putting soiled nappies and cat litter in an open bag in the pantry! This house is a health hazard to all of them and will cause real problems for the boy, possibly smelling and certainly being unable to bring friends home which can lead to him becoming isolated for life. If a friend does come round the state of the house will be round the school very quickly and the boy will suffer terribly, though if anyone has seen inside this house of horrors I imagine it’s the talk of the neighbourhood already. I think OP has to raise this with both of them together and make sure she gets the message across. No pussy footing around (no pun intended). Doesn’t have to be nasty and perhaps she can offer help (physical or financial) to get the place round and then keep it clean. If she doesn’t say something it ain’t gonna happen.

Yes you may be right 3nanny6 although my WI relatives always talk about their gardens It doesn’t even matter really except in U.K. a yard would normally be a fairly small space and in US it’s often a big garden the thought of dogs (we don’t know how many but it’s in the plural) in a little British yard is not a good thought

I m afraid 5 cats and dogs in the plural with a 2 year old sounds pretty over the top especially if everyone is out at work however I still don’t think a grandparent can do much except offer to help and/or have a word with your son but if he’s protective of his wife and their lifestyle you may make large waves
It’s a really really difficult one and I m not sure how I would handle it Does your grandson have good health no allergies or bad tummies ?

Ziggy01

I certainly do not consider my DIL solely responsible. I have spoken to my son often. He unfortunately is out of the house working long hours 6 days a week. He has tried to discuss the situation with her without success.

Surely if they both work though, I’m not sure why he’s speaking to her instead of mucking in himself.
She works, then comes home and presumably does child care/laundry/meals. Shes exhausted too!

Can you offer them a cleaner?

Can't imagine a cleaner would work in those conditions Summerlove

I agree, I think it a deep clean will have to be done by a professional firm, possibly the kind which cleans up nasty crime scenes if you get my drift. Beyond what a normal cleaner would tackle (and you don’t want the cleaner gossiping locally about the state of it).

This thread is getting repetitive. The deep clean and weekly cleaners have been suggested several times.