resigned to death

I think being "accepting" is normal for some of us.
If we've loved and been loved in return we are likely to feel anxious for those we know would be sad when we die but I think once the "love of our life" has gone, it probably feels just like a natural progression.

And yes, we would all prefer to die wiyh dignity, peacefully at home.

Yes, since my child died death holds no fear for me. However I will do everything I can to stay alive for those who still need me.

I'm not afraid of death, just of dying!

I think you're right to put things in order and to be unafraid of death.

But when everything is organised, go and LIVE for the rest of your life !

Just staying alive holds no attraction for me. If I reach an intolerable stage then I shall be happy to go.
I’ve had a great life so far and have very strong views about when the fun stops.
My fear is that I have a sudden descent into dementia or something like a severe stroke which would prevent me from using my “get out” medication which is on hand to use when I decide it is time.

travelasafar, you post has resonated so much with me, chronic pain impacts on your abilty to cope. ?
Unlike you, I still have my husband, (your loss must be unbearable), but after a number of medical incidents, I have been advised time is running out for me.

I too have put my house in order, however, trying to talk to my husband and children has been so difficult. They are all burying their head in the sand, because I always pick up, don't I?. What makes things more difficult is that I look very healthy and I have to explain to people why I can't do what they are asking.

Like you I would prefer to die peacefully at home (probably unlikely) and I have begged my husband not to allow me to go into a home if I need care, no intervention, just to let me go.

However, my attitude is different from yours. I am so angry that this has happened to me and I have absolutely no control over my body. It's the unpredictability of it all, which gets me. No plans can be made, as I never know from one day to the next how I will be. Planning only results in disappointment.

I will fight to the bitter end to enjoy and make the best of my life and not wishing be a burden on my family, I cover up a lot. However, this bl***y pandemic and shielding has scuppered all my plans. However, although resigned, I'm not ready to give up yet.

I have thought of you often after I read the thread you started about your dear husband going to hospital by ambulance.
My feeling is that you have to talk to someone about how you feel. After my heart diagnosis, for months, I resisted talking to a cardiac psychologist, because I was ashamed of how angry and resentful I was. In the end I gave in. It was cathartic and I found peace. ​I was able to open up because she was a stranger, saying how afraid I was, angry becuse it wasn't my fault and despairing because nothing could be done. It ceased due to the pandemic, because she began counselling NHS staff, and rightly so.

Sorry this has turned into one of my novellas!
Take care, travelsafar., I hope you find some peace.?

Having done everything you can to get your affairs in order properly, - and well done for that, - can you not now relax a little and try to find some contentment in life? It is sad when the thought of death takes over your thinking. I am so sorry you are in pain, I know how debilitating that is (I've just increaased my painkillers for my arthritic spine). Who knows what lies around the corner? Something wonderful might happen, or at least something which gives you a glimmer of happiness.
I competely understand how you feel about dying at home.
I think many of us can relate to that. I share your fear about being taken ill here and having to go into hospital or long term care. But we can only live in the day and try to find something each day to be thankful for. I do send you my heartfelt good wishes and hope your spirits will lift a little.

For me, it is the last couple of sentences of your post. You fear how things are going to be at the end of your life. Where will you be, how (and who) will be looking after you.

We hear so much about poor care these days, it is natural to be afraid. Perhaps this is the bit that you really need to talk to your family about. Let them know that you are contented and happy except for your fears about this part of things. How can they help you right now to put these fears aside. Let them know you are not being morbid or despairing - just a need to be practical so that you can enjoy your life now.

Perhaps look at care homes, discuss having paid nursing help at home if you need it, can you afford it, are there family members who can help etc etc.

Just like when a child is afraid of the dark, we can all be afraid of the future - but when it is fixed (by a night light or reassurance) - we can go forward more confidently.

I am surrounded by people who say I want a long life full of fun. It’s wishful thinking for a lot of people it can be a lonely lingering in misery with illness life.

My mum had dementia cancer and pneumonia it was torture to watch never mind to live with. My dad had a massive stroke it was a shock to us all but at least it was a swift end for him.

It’s good to be organised to keep the hassle to the minimum for loved ones. I agree with others enjoy what time you now have left you are not dead yet.

I’m so sorry you’re in so much pain, travelsafar. ?xx

I don’t think you’re remotely unusual in fearing not death itself, but in fearing a drawn out, possibly painful or demented end, when you’re no longer in control, and are no longer unable to care for yourself.

I know that’s what I dread, and I dare say very many would say the same.
My Health and Welfare power of attorney has an addition that firmly requests no ‘striving to keep alive’ if I am no longer able to both care for myself, and speak with full mental capacity for myself. I don’t just mean no resuscitation, either, but also no other interventions to keep me going in such circumstances.

I’m not afraid of death just how I die hoping it will be quick and not a drawn out affair. Saying that I’m hoping for a good few years yet and especially with a little gs and another gc on the way they keep me young. When I think I will only be around until they are in there 20s/30s I get quite tearful.

If it wasn’t for the mention of burial I could have thought this post was written by my MIL as she feels exactly like this since losing FIL in 2019. She is in constant pain, lives several miles from us her only family and just wants to be reunited with FIL. It’s so sad.
Thoughts going to all in this position ?

You are just putting a voice to what we all push to the back of our minds, as we become older / infirm and struggle with our mental and physical health .
It must give you a small amount of comfort knowing your house is in order, as you say.

Worrying about death, the how and where of it all, the impact on our dear ones, these have got to be universal fears.

You are most certainly not alone travelsafar

I have been ill for 33 years. I was prepared to die before my husband. I came as a great shock my darling died 17 years ago aged 47. He was a strong active man and we had been a couple since I was 16 and he was 18. Married 22 years. But he got a grade 4 malignant melanoma and we knew he wouldn't like 5 years. He died after 3 .

We always had a will since we married and always kept it updated. My will is all in order and have both powers of attorney in place in case they are ever needed. Was going to pay for just cremation no funeral but my daughter said no. She wants a funeral and I am not to worry she will deal with it . But I'm not to die for a least 20 years. Said I will do my best. I'm 63 now.

It's not dying that bothers me and I know I will be alone as we all are when we die. Doesn't matter if someone is with you.

But I looked after my mom and the last 4 months where hell on earth her dementia turned her violent. That is my fear. I don't want to get dementia and attack my family or anyone else for that matter. I do not want to feel the way I did. I loved my mom and looked after her 24/7 on my own but it got so everytime she went to sleep I hoped she didn't wake up. But when you are attacked multiple times a day it wears you out.

The pain,seizures,heart and kidney problems I cope with . But that is something I fear. I don't want to turn into a monster.

My dread is of becoming a 'living cabbage' if I can't do for myself, let me go!! Until then, bring on the parties!!

Live not like.

The reality is that we will all die. In most cases we will have little control over the circumstances. For some, the process of dying will involve pain, loss of dignity or loss of wits. So what should we do?

I might have a heart attack tomorrow. I might be diagnosed with a terminal condition next week. The fact that I couldn’t find my car keys yesterday might be the first sign of dementia. But I might still be alive in 20 years’ time, regretting the time I wasted worrying about death. My own path is to face the fear, and then to set it aside and live each day as if it may be my last.

Although we have absolutely no idea when we will die, some of know our time is limited. That, I think, puts a different slant on things and definitely changes your attitude to life.
I thought I as indestructible, I certainly am not! That was quite a shock, I can tell you! ?

Chronic pain is debilitating, travelsafar and life must feel like a struggle too, since you lost your husband so expectedly.

I think what geekesse says is true though, having lost someone dear very suddenly and unexpectedly recently brought it all home to me. I try to find some enjoyment every day although some days it can be hard.

Is your chronic pain a result of having Covid? Have you seen your GP and can they run some tests and diagnose what is wrong and offer some relief?

I think we all have these thoughts from time to time and seeing dear relatives who have dementia or are unable to look after themselves does bring it all home.

I hope your GP can help with your physical pain, it's miserable I know, and perhaps that would help you to feel brighter in yourself.

I'm sorry to hear you are in such pain travelsafar it's so debilitating I know. Have you been able to get help from your Dr or a pain clinic. I have recently been thinking that at 75 my time is limited. I agree with geekesse and try to enjoy things every day. I have to admit the manner of my death concerns me at times but I try to put those thoughts aside.
On reading through the posts it seems many of us have similar concerns and fears.
I hope things improve for you travelsafar

you are not alone with those feelings
my mother handled her own illness and death by not involving me and i have been anxious about dying ever since.
sometimes in trying to protect our family we shut them out so i am trying to think of ways round that when the time comes.

sodapop a year older than you but exactly the same thoughts
Not so much death we ll know nothing about that but the passing the how when, where does hit my head quite often but I do try not to dwell
I have some things started towards my funeral/ cremation etc BUT I have so much stuff in my house that I need to sell/give away/destroy and that worries me as I just don’t seem to ever make any inroads however much I get rid of there still seems as much left behind and I procrastinate terribly

BUT I have so much stuff in my house that I need to sell/give away/destroy and that worries me as I just don’t seem to ever make any inroads however much I get rid of there still seems as much left behind and I procrastinate terribly

So do I and I really must get to grips with it but with Covid, charity shops being closed, painful joints etc I've procrastinated too.

Today we are at last, we are off first thing, to the charity shop with six bags and I haven't really made much impact yet on putting that part of my life in order. Lots of things have gotten in the way, as Callistemon has said.

Much of it was my teacher' s wardrobe, which I couldn't bear to part with seven years ago, when I was forced to retire on ill health. Did I really suit sleeveless tops, (no bingo wing arms then) fitted dresses (was I that slim?) whatever possessed me to think wide legged trousers suited me, a 5ft plump woman and how many formal jackets does a woman need?

For me the difficulty in decluttering my life stems from a number of things;
As a child we were very poor and I wore hand me downs, (looked down on by fellow affluent pupils) so I have always lusted after beautiful clothes (shallow, I know) ; some of the clothes trigger happy memories of a time when I was fit and well; some are just beautiful to look at; some were expensive (but bargains in sales ) and I have the mindset, a result of my poor childhood, that it is wasteful to get rid of them ( even although they no longer fit!).

The most difficult part is letting go of the past and acknowledging, I no longer have a use for them. (and accepting I will never be slim nor fit again)
Time now to live a life of pull on trousers and comfy shoes! Noooo! I'm not at that stage yet. ?

Anyone know a charity shop which will take a considerable number of pairs of shoes which Imelda Marcus no longer wears? ? That I will also need to deal with at some point.
A colleague once told me that the pupils used to wait each morning, when I came out to the playground to take the lines in, to see what colour my shoes were and if the matched my outfit. Those shoes symbolise a time when I had slim ankles, no fragile bones nor painful joints. Isn't it a blessing that we do not know what is ahead of us?
Would we be resilient enough to cope or do we become resilient through experience? The pandemic and the shock of having to sheild has certainly changed my mindset,

Carpe diem is my motto! Well at least on the days when the pain is not so debilitating.

Travalasafar, I am hoping that once you speak to your GP, getting help with your pain and talking to someone about how you feel, may help you find some light in that dark place you are in. I find coping with chronic pain very difficult, but I cannot imagine having to do that and losing my husband to Covid as well. ?

Yes decluttering is my bugbear.
It is something I worry about constantly. I get rid of stuff but it doesn’t seem to make any difference.
My DH is a bit of a hoarder which doesn’t help and we still have some of our DC’s stuff although they left home 20 years ago!

I know exactly how you feel Travelsofar since being ill myself it preys on my mind.
I hope you find relief from your pain.

Re the de-cluttering.

Thankfully, DH and I can still climb into the loft and bring stuff down. In the last few years, not last year obviously re Covid, we did an annual car boot sale and got rid of ‘stuff’, some of which I was reluctant to. I’m glad we did, was in there the other day, not loads left now, but each year more ‘stuff’ goes that I have kept hanging on to. If we couldn’t do a car boot, would send to charity.

Re shoes, I took some to the charity shop the other day, some that didn’t look so sellable went in the shoe bank. All in all about 10 pairs, done.