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Daughter in law

(10 Posts)
jljohnson740 Sun 11-Jul-21 17:05:48

I took care of my three grand girls for 11 years. I cleaned every day,etc. Not once and I mean this did I ever stick my nose in my son’s life. I took not getting spoken to by his wife for years. She is a text book narcissist. The entire family knows this. I never retorted back to her cruel remarks. Not once. I carried it all inside me. Covid put her working from home from now on. We’ve never ever had words, I knew what would happen if I chose to speak back. She has made one of her children have an eating disorder, my son dies nothing. The constant lecturing these girls is indenting. There’s so much wrong with this woman it would take pages. After helping above and beyond, I might as well be dead. I’m sick of all the advice on kiss her ass. She is leaving us out of functions now and that pleases her. The fact is she was jealous of me with the girls. We had fun, I went by the rules however. She criticizes how they walk across a room. The middle child had issues from birth. Cried all the time, threw horrible fits, that I kept to myself due to punishment this needy child would get. I was never spoken to when I arrived there every morning. When she brought babies home I was never allowed to hold them or anything until the day she went back to work. The whole family knows what she is but all too afraid of her to say or do anything. It’s a very long story and most of it people would t believe anyway. I prayed plenty and bit my tongue till it bled. Anyway, about now. She deliberately keeps spirts events from us and 2 of the girls are excellent athletes. I’m pretty sure she thinks we are beneath her and withholding info makes her happy. We ask our son and all he says is talk to her. He’s such a coward. Her mother went off the deep end at 39. She is far worse than her mother, but, she just looks better doing it. The girls usually couldn’t wait til she went to work, so they could be free to be kids. I know this is a hopeless situation. Many may not believe me. But never have I done one thing to her. The stress of being scrutinized by her took a toll on my entire life. I stayed for the girls. She’s insulted my daughter’s family more than I can count. The middle child is on the adhd scale but a brilliant child in the top one percent in the nation, and a top athlete. To look at this family from afar everything seems perfect. Beautiful home, great jobs, everything anyone could hope for. Only people haven’t a clue. She lies to us constantly, I realize recently had a hip replaced. Not once did she ask me about it, not once has she ever cared about anyone’s health but her own. After 11 years of babysitting when she was told she could work from home from now on, the way we told that was my son mentioned it in passing only. Neither of them considered for one minute how I would feel losing them. I don’t have a problem with her staying home, but we knew little by little she’d shut us out. I’m sick to death with doctor’s advice when unless they’ve lived it far as I’m concerned they haven’t a clue what people like this do to families. She hates holidays, trees, flowers, animals, you name it. I know she can’t be cured. On top of it, we don’t even recognize the son we have now. We don’t have a clue who he is, he’s not the child we raised. Her father who has been married 4 times is a nut case. It’s something I just can’t explain well enough for when I tell people what she’s done over the years they find it beyond shocking. Say what you will: I’m not idiot. I won’t rock the boat, I love those girls too much. She’s beyond Hope. I don’t feel like correcting this post. There is no hope for us. We know that.

MoorlandMooner Sun 11-Jul-21 17:15:41

This sounds like a horrible situation for you jljohnson. What can we say or do to help you?

MissAdventure Sun 11-Jul-21 17:21:52

What does your son have to say about it all?

dragonfly46 Sun 11-Jul-21 17:28:16

It sounds like an impossible situation. All you can hope for is that the girls will decide who they see when they are old enough and choose to spend time with you.
It sounds like your son is completely under her thumb and she has completely emasculated him.
So sad.

Nonogran Sun 11-Jul-21 18:01:10

I doubt no amount of worrying or talking to your son is going to help. In your shoes I think I’d get counselling to help me cope with the emotional power she clearly yields over you. I have no experience of this kind of appalling behaviour but I hope you can find a way forward which is helpful in keeping a perspective on the dynamics & cope.
The girls won’t be little forever so if you can, keep the relationship with them open and in time, they’ll make their own choices about where you will feature in their lives. Might not be until they are mature or old enough to do so, so keep your chin up & look to the future. Nothing lasts for ever.

Hithere Sun 11-Jul-21 18:16:48

Yes, your dil sounds horrible.
She is only 50% part of the problem.

Your son is the other 50%.
He agrees with her, they like to parent their kids the same way.
He chooses to be a horrible father and stay in the relationship.

However, you are not entitled to go the sports events.

Re: hip replacement - I get it hurts she hasn't asked you how you are doing.
But why would she?
You say she hasn't spoken to you in years.
Why would she ask you?
Dont ask a stone to give you water- it wont happen.

Has your son asked about your health?

Did you ever get along with her? How was your relationship before kids?

Smileless2012 Sun 11-Jul-21 18:24:13

You can only do what you're already doing j1johnson, this is a terrible situation for you, your GC and your son to be in.

Coercive control which often includes emotional abuse is a terrifying thing to witness and to be caught up in. You have to experience this in your family and to witness the transformation of an AC involved with someone like this, before you can begin to comprehend just how damaging and devastating this is.

You are a brave and loving mother and GM and the years you have spent biting your tongue until it bleeds, in order to maintain and nurture the relationship you have with your GC, will I'm certain, not have been in vein.

There will come a time when your GC will be old enough to make their own choices. Despite the awful situation you are in, you have created a firm foundation with your GC.

So as Nonogran has said "look to the future. Nothing lasts for ever" but I bet the loving relationship you have with your GC willflowers.

Harris27 Sun 11-Jul-21 18:26:37

Do what I did and got on with my life. Still in contact with them all but on my terms and when it fits in with me.

cornishpatsy Sun 11-Jul-21 18:33:50

Stop thinking about her, it is only you that it is hurting.

Your son must see something in her or he would have left.

If you are close to the grandchildren they will contact you.

NotSpaghetti Sun 11-Jul-21 19:13:40

I think Nonogran is right and counselling may help you come to terms with this situation.
Every day to nothing is very difficult I'm sure.

As the girls grow, I believe they will find you again.