Heartbroken in Michigan

Thank you Lolo81. I appreciate your thoughts and time in expressing them to me. I take everything said today seriously Godspeed to all.

That all sounds really positive!! Maybe speak to a therapist to work some of it out before approaching your daughter on it? A good therapist will help you find the words to explain yourself without it coming across like a guilt trip or having her feel in the middle.

I wish you every success in branching out and having a bit more balance!

I meant that I don't ever see him. So sorry for my errors.
This was the first time I have been in his vicinity in all those years. I am over all of it. I didn't have any resentment, I just accepted what happened, made the decision back then to move on and did. I don't wish anyone any bad. I just didn't get why he acted the way he did when it was j6st for a the week and then he would spend time with them alone for 4 more days. Have them all to himself. Why he couldn't just give me some time and him some time and be civil and act like an adult. Suck it up...and buck up.
He wasn't going to budge..and he was paying for her hotel room, and if they were to do anything, buy some tourist stuff..so maybe she felt that she owed him..altho I offered to pay for the hotel room.
I was a big mess...and I wish I would have stuck to my gut feeling and stayed home or went to my sisters. Hindsight is a b_tch. Live and Learn right>!
I will help her as I said, but I want her to know I am not just doing all this for my GD but for her to reach her goals too. I will make some plans and get my head out of all of this, talk to a therapist to help with this crossroad, and talk with her about how I feel. I can't think of any way else to handle this.
I read once that to be happy in life is to have someone to love, something to look forward to, and a purpose.... I guess I need the "have something to look forward to." although I do love seeing them too. Balance as you have said is key!!

My ex has been out of state for 15 years. I do see him. I would have a co parent relationship but his gf and he is still bitter that I was the one who actually left. I fine with all that.
I want my kids to have a good relationship with him. He is their father and they love him as they love me too. He has made his own life sailing and being on the beach etc.
I knew being somewhere in the same place would be uncomfortable, but I was willing to get along as adults and as parents to our children that we share. He wasn't going to have any of that. He wanted to hurt me. I wanted to be the bigger persons and role model for both of them but he wasn't going to have that....just the fact that he wouldn't even go pass me as we were sitting in a row....he in the middle with at least 6 people between us and me at the end of the row...and would rather climb over his chair to avoid passing me seems sooo immature and weird.
I am going to talk to a therapist so not to put all this on fam. and lay low. If she needs my help...I will do so. I would like to talk to my daughter about this whole thing. I am not sure if she will want that...but I want to let her know that it wasn't cool to put my GD too in the middle.
I am disgusted that my ex manipulated both of them to get to me.
You have given me good advice and ideas to contemplate. All of you are so nice to listen and take the time to respond.
This has been a really good experience for me. Sometimes we just need to hear if what we are feeling are justifiable.

My granddaughter is 12 years old. I would like to find out from my daughter why she was so afraid to come by me down there. I really feel I was made to lookik like the problem. And, it hurt that I was made to feel like I was in the way for them. I guess the ex won there. He is resentful towards me and he wanted me to feel resent...

I am new to this site. In fact, I joined today. All of you have been a blessing to me. I am feeling much better. This last week has been toxic. I had to get out of my body, and you all are helping that. THANK YOU!!
I am going seek some therapy. I am 68 yrs old. So, I don't have a lot of time and who knows how long really. I need to get my own LIFE and not make it all about the kids. They will survive. They saw me do it.
I will be available but I am going to make plans for myself. Go see my sisters in NJ and my best friend who just invited me the other day to come to Maryland for she bought a condo. If I make plans ans my daughter calls and says, oh mom can you do ___. I will say sorry I made plans or I am going to to NJ so you will need to get someone else to help her. I don't want to just cut her off and I do want to be there for my granddaughter.
How does that sound?

OP you are obviously hurting, and I can see you adore your GD and DD.

I would also say that based on some of your replies there is still a lot of (understandable) bitterness towards your ex. Unfortunately he’s still your DD’s father and your GD’s grandfather - and the very fact he was invited to this event means they want to have some sort of relationship with him, which your own bitterness and disdain really shouldn’t affect. It’s horrible and difficult because you see a lot of his flaws having being on the receiving end of his bad behaviour, however they maybe haven’t had the same experience as you with him. With that in mind it’s not really fair to put your GD in the position of handling yours or his emotions around this conflict.

To unravel this mess of emotions, maybe try and decide what you want moving forward? So do you want to continue to have this level of involvement with your GD? How will you navigate future dance meets? It’s obvious that based on this last experience that you and the ex can’t co-exist (regardless of whose fault that is) and telling your GD/DD that it’s all his fault when you have greater access to them may be counter productive in the long run, so perhaps follow your initial instinct to avoid him? You can’t change what’s happened, but you can have a think about how you’d like to handle things in the future.

I’d also echo others encouraging you to find interests outside of your DD/GD. Your GD will grow up and pursue her own life, you will fall down the pecking order in her life (as you should as she grows up and spreads her wings) - what will you do then? It’s not healthy to have your emotional stability and happiness revolve around someone else.

A sounding board can be good. There's also something to be said for therapy when you're at a crossroads in life. Just someone who is there to focus on you and help you plot a new course and find some clarity. You may be able to do that on your own but it can be affirming to do it with someone else.

I I understand that it must be difficult to see a way out.
It's much the same as being in a relationship where you're abused; you can't see the wood for the trees.
Sometimes just having a sounding board is enough to clear your mind.

Good advice...Miss Adventure
I will have to redefine who I am. I won't cut her off for I love do love them...but like what was said at the top...I am not a doormat. I have to try to think objectively, which is so hard when you are in it and feeling the way I am. I am just so hurt.
I feel my daughter should just have put her foot down and said LOOK..u are both her for Alexis...so do that...put all the other stuff aside for now. I have NO feelings for him ...I don't care...but now he brought up feelings of disdain..I got over everything when I left.
I think, like you are all saying...do your life...if I can help I will.... but, I need to make a life too...I don't have my whole life in front of me like they do. Also, my grandmother was like this with me...so I think it is why i am so committed.

youtu.be/zTHlac9vga4

I can picture the ponytail. The bald spot on top that has spread out and the remaining sides grown long and pulled back. My husband could do one of those.

How old is your granddaughter? I wouldn't involve a child in adult issues or let her know you don't feel good about time spent with her. I know it's not that, but it's how she might hear it if you share this with her. Also, don't talk badly to a child about how you feel their mother is treating them.

I would handle it by deciding what you can do, and then letting your daughter know. If you decide one day a week? Tell her that and stick to it. Her responsibility is to work it out and there are ways she can do it without you. Maybe give her 2-3 weeks notice to make other arrangements. It can be as simple as now you are on your own and are around retirement age (I'm assuming), you've had a think about your life and what you still want to do while young enough, so this is what you've decided. I'd make it about you.

Miss Adventure...I wish I could share a pic...He basically looks like a beach bum..
Your answer put a smile on my face though.....thanks for the humor ...it helped...
and in fact, all of you are!!!

How about you do it very gradually, so you all have time to get used to things?
It's a pity about the restrictions, because you could have found somewhere else to be, say, once a fortnight or something?

Surgical techs don't make a lot...they start them at 20

Yes, I didn't mind helping...I enjoy my granddaughter. I have raised her since she was little...as her mom is a single mom...She is my life...and that is prob the problem...I have made them my life. I can't bear not to see her. I don't want to not be around. But, I am definitely thinking...I need to get a Life too...and not change my plans to suit what comes up...she is taking me for granted...I think I will put that on my tombstone....here lease Nana Lane
Change of Plans
lol

Do you think, I need her to come to me? Should I bring up this hurt? I just want her to understand, how I knew it would fall apart...? should I just leave it alone? Should I talk to my granddaughter about this?

A pony tail and a bald head?

Also, he messed up our credit...and had no money except for my income bc he would quit his jobs...This women was his key to credit....For a man who couldn't support his family....he left ..bought a 46 foot boat and a condo on the bay in Coral Gables Fl....thru her credit....now he sells tshirts at the sea shore...
for real!! A 65 yr old flip flopped long pony tailed 65 yr old...wht a loser

Ah, I can see it's tricky for your daughter, time wise, but that is part of parenting and being an adult, with adult responsibilities.
The arrangement isn't working, is it, because you are unhappy, and your daughter doesnt appreciate you.
She will have to make alternative arrangements.

CafeAuLait
You are absolutely correct!! I am just the type who couldn't and wouldn't want a guy who was willing to do that to his family.
Yes, I left bc I would be much better off. I did talk to my children before hand who said you need to be happy mom.
They were in high school. but this was going on for a very long time without me ever being able to pin point it.
I figured it out later...I did try hard to keep this marriage going. I feel he would have left after the kids got out of hs and prob would try to have them go with him. I just messed that plan up for him when I left.
He couldn't take care of his family...I worked two jobs...he is like a peter pan type with his head in the clouds...I was the stable one....he was the fun one and still today! It got really tiring...and I was sick of being broked...once he was gone...I made him support them thru foc...and I know have a savings...
But YES you are totally correct.

NanaLane2021

Miss Adventure,
My daughter works an hour away and leaves at 5 am...I rent a small place near her to help her. I don't live with her for she lives with her bf...and he has two girls..who visit. If it wasn't for me doing this she wouldn't be able to go to this school which is an excellent school and where her friends go. Dance is hour after school...My daughter gets off work but not in enough time to bring her to dance...and sometimes I pick her up...she is a surgical tech in Detroit.

As a surgical tech she would have a reasonable income, right?
What do most parents do in this situation? They pay someone to do the childcare or driving their child to where they need to be. Or they make arrangements with someone else from the child's school to co-ordinate ride sharing. If you aren't doing it, your daughter can find a way.

Nanalane, this might seem nitpicky but your ex's gf didn't break up your family. Your husband broke up your family. He is responsible.

It's hard in your situation as you love your grandchild. I would start by asking myself some questions. Why do I help so much? What do I want out of life now that I am on my own? What goals and interests have I put on the shelf in doing things for others? Then think about your priorities for yourself and how much that leaves you able to do for others that you want to do, not that you feel obligated to do.

I know it's hard. I have a family member who I have to give extra support to. I strive for balance between my needs and theirs but it can be easier said than done.

You are as important as everyone else. When you start living like you believe that, hopefully others will appreciate what you do give more.

Miss Adventure,
My daughter works an hour away and leaves at 5 am...I rent a small place near her to help her. I don't live with her for she lives with her bf...and he has two girls..who visit. If it wasn't for me doing this she wouldn't be able to go to this school which is an excellent school and where her friends go. Dance is hour after school...My daughter gets off work but not in enough time to bring her to dance...and sometimes I pick her up...she is a surgical tech in Detroit.

Why are you the one running around to and fro to dancing for your grandaughter?
Is your daughter unable to?