Heartbroken in Michigan

I'm afraid she would get a mouthful from me.
I'm a mum, not a doormat.

Embarrass her back , and stop funding her

Top replies,can`t beat them.

Re/ being taken for granted, perhaps a "strike" on anything you do for her (cooking, cleaning, washing, etc., if she lives at home or other assistance you give her if she doesn't) and/or a curtailment of any funds provided would get a message through. Re/ embarrassing you in front of friends, if you've already spoken to her in private and then she continued to treat you poorly in front of others, I would come up with something to say, in advance, the next time she belittled me, something that would be assertive and to the point but not demeaning. It's hard to think of a good response (you know, one that's not defensive or said in anger) on the spot . When I was a teen I used to have a saying on my bulletin board that read, "I always think of the perfect thing to say after the time for saying it has passed." Sending you a hug from California.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your responses. I am so heartbroken. You see, I take care of her daughter. I drive her back in forth to school which takes 30 mins one way so I do that four times..I give her breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Then take her to dance four times a week. She is an incredible dancer. I buy her school clothes, dance shoes, and help in her tuition. She had a national competition in Pigeon Forge Tn. I knew my ex who left us and went to fl 16 yrs ago with his gf was going to go with her too. So, as I give him his space to be with my daughter went the first time half the time after he left, the 2nd time I didn't go. All of the other dance moms said to me---you are going, you do so much for her...When I heard he was going, I told my daughter, he should go with his gf (who he cheated on me and lived down the street when they were young!), I have been to all the regional comps...so this way you can have quality time with him...My sister actually wanted me to come to her beach home in NJ too. But, my daughter said...this is for your granddaughter, Do it for her...I thought about it and figured this is about her and not me or any one else. I told her to tell her dad, that I don't have a problem with both of us there. I won't impede on his time. He got really mad that I was in the same hotel which was right across from the Conference Center...He changed his hotel..I offered to change mine but he did it already...ok so his gf doesn't go saying she had work...I figure becz I was going really and she doesn't want to face me as she broke up my family. But he got mad and my daughter felt she was in the middle...I told her she put herself there bc I offered to stay back.
Once down there, he told her I couldn't sit by them or be where they were. It got to the point that my granddaughter was afraid to come near me thinking it would upset him and her mom. She is young. I didn't make any drama I was just trying to figure out wht I was suppose to do. We ate dinner on first night bcz her father wasn't there...and then not until the very last night bc all the dance moms and kids were going and HE didn't like the restaurant...otherwise..she only spent time with me if he wasn't around.
She said well I see you all the time and I haven't seen him in two years. I told her to tell him that I was cool with all of us there but he still refused to have me near anywhere he was to the point he would walk off...climb over his chair not to pass me. She said well u talk to him..I saw him and said, I would like to talk with u..and he ran literally away...another time I said come get over it, this is for our grandchild...who need to be 110 percent and on her game and happy. The dance moms knew and saw what was going on etc.
So when i asked ok what's going on for dinner she got upset with me...said I am concentrating on this...I said well I am just trying to figure out what I am to do...I guess I was expected to be invisible...to just go by myself to the performances and awards alone and go back to the hotel...This place Pigeon Forge TN is all families...they do a table for one or even have space at the bar. Most are 45 min waits to two hours as well as drive thru...I ate the breakfast crap for 3 days finally got a drive thru and ate the left over from tht another night.
The thing that hurts me the most is that my granddaughter wouldn't even sit with me and when i happened to be in the rest room at the same time and was walking out she said...Grandpa is out there...like I couldn't go out with her.
Surely she felt this but I feel her mom and him were making it about me. Her mom said I kept bringing it up..and all I was asking was wht is going on...
I think he is such an immature jerk and he is 65!
And plus they had plans to spend from thurs to this Sunday together...I left after the finale the next day ...she was in room next to me...I heard a faint knock..looked thru the hole didn't see anyone then got a text...we are down stairs. Do u want to come down to say goodbye...
I change my plans and have taken less work to help her.

I feel she needs to understand how she hurt me..and that I knew this would not work out. I am surprised she expected me to drive all tht way, spend that money to sit alone when all other girls were with their families...I felt so bad one time, I pretended and walked in with another family trailing behind like I was with them.
I did get really stressed and on last day had an episode of not being able to breath...I thought Ya know what...screw this.

What would you do now, under these circumstances. I don't want to take it out on my grandchild..but I do want her to understand, I was there for her and didn't know no one wanted me around?

I feel like what is really left in life anymore.

ps. I had a typo.....They don't have a table for one at the restaurants.

Why are you the one running around to and fro to dancing for your grandaughter?
Is your daughter unable to?

Miss Adventure,
My daughter works an hour away and leaves at 5 am...I rent a small place near her to help her. I don't live with her for she lives with her bf...and he has two girls..who visit. If it wasn't for me doing this she wouldn't be able to go to this school which is an excellent school and where her friends go. Dance is hour after school...My daughter gets off work but not in enough time to bring her to dance...and sometimes I pick her up...she is a surgical tech in Detroit.

Nanalane, this might seem nitpicky but your ex's gf didn't break up your family. Your husband broke up your family. He is responsible.

It's hard in your situation as you love your grandchild. I would start by asking myself some questions. Why do I help so much? What do I want out of life now that I am on my own? What goals and interests have I put on the shelf in doing things for others? Then think about your priorities for yourself and how much that leaves you able to do for others that you want to do, not that you feel obligated to do.

I know it's hard. I have a family member who I have to give extra support to. I strive for balance between my needs and theirs but it can be easier said than done.

You are as important as everyone else. When you start living like you believe that, hopefully others will appreciate what you do give more.

NanaLane2021

Miss Adventure,
My daughter works an hour away and leaves at 5 am...I rent a small place near her to help her. I don't live with her for she lives with her bf...and he has two girls..who visit. If it wasn't for me doing this she wouldn't be able to go to this school which is an excellent school and where her friends go. Dance is hour after school...My daughter gets off work but not in enough time to bring her to dance...and sometimes I pick her up...she is a surgical tech in Detroit.

As a surgical tech she would have a reasonable income, right?
What do most parents do in this situation? They pay someone to do the childcare or driving their child to where they need to be. Or they make arrangements with someone else from the child's school to co-ordinate ride sharing. If you aren't doing it, your daughter can find a way.

CafeAuLait
You are absolutely correct!! I am just the type who couldn't and wouldn't want a guy who was willing to do that to his family.
Yes, I left bc I would be much better off. I did talk to my children before hand who said you need to be happy mom.
They were in high school. but this was going on for a very long time without me ever being able to pin point it.
I figured it out later...I did try hard to keep this marriage going. I feel he would have left after the kids got out of hs and prob would try to have them go with him. I just messed that plan up for him when I left.
He couldn't take care of his family...I worked two jobs...he is like a peter pan type with his head in the clouds...I was the stable one....he was the fun one and still today! It got really tiring...and I was sick of being broked...once he was gone...I made him support them thru foc...and I know have a savings...
But YES you are totally correct.

Ah, I can see it's tricky for your daughter, time wise, but that is part of parenting and being an adult, with adult responsibilities.
The arrangement isn't working, is it, because you are unhappy, and your daughter doesnt appreciate you.
She will have to make alternative arrangements.

Also, he messed up our credit...and had no money except for my income bc he would quit his jobs...This women was his key to credit....For a man who couldn't support his family....he left ..bought a 46 foot boat and a condo on the bay in Coral Gables Fl....thru her credit....now he sells tshirts at the sea shore...
for real!! A 65 yr old flip flopped long pony tailed 65 yr old...wht a loser

A pony tail and a bald head?

Yes, I didn't mind helping...I enjoy my granddaughter. I have raised her since she was little...as her mom is a single mom...She is my life...and that is prob the problem...I have made them my life. I can't bear not to see her. I don't want to not be around. But, I am definitely thinking...I need to get a Life too...and not change my plans to suit what comes up...she is taking me for granted...I think I will put that on my tombstone....here lease Nana Lane
Change of Plans
lol

Do you think, I need her to come to me? Should I bring up this hurt? I just want her to understand, how I knew it would fall apart...? should I just leave it alone? Should I talk to my granddaughter about this?

Surgical techs don't make a lot...they start them at 20

How about you do it very gradually, so you all have time to get used to things?
It's a pity about the restrictions, because you could have found somewhere else to be, say, once a fortnight or something?

Miss Adventure...I wish I could share a pic...He basically looks like a beach bum..
Your answer put a smile on my face though.....thanks for the humor ...it helped...
and in fact, all of you are!!!

How old is your granddaughter? I wouldn't involve a child in adult issues or let her know you don't feel good about time spent with her. I know it's not that, but it's how she might hear it if you share this with her. Also, don't talk badly to a child about how you feel their mother is treating them.

I would handle it by deciding what you can do, and then letting your daughter know. If you decide one day a week? Tell her that and stick to it. Her responsibility is to work it out and there are ways she can do it without you. Maybe give her 2-3 weeks notice to make other arrangements. It can be as simple as now you are on your own and are around retirement age (I'm assuming), you've had a think about your life and what you still want to do while young enough, so this is what you've decided. I'd make it about you.

I can picture the ponytail. The bald spot on top that has spread out and the remaining sides grown long and pulled back. My husband could do one of those.

youtu.be/zTHlac9vga4

Good advice...Miss Adventure
I will have to redefine who I am. I won't cut her off for I love do love them...but like what was said at the top...I am not a doormat. I have to try to think objectively, which is so hard when you are in it and feeling the way I am. I am just so hurt.
I feel my daughter should just have put her foot down and said LOOK..u are both her for Alexis...so do that...put all the other stuff aside for now. I have NO feelings for him ...I don't care...but now he brought up feelings of disdain..I got over everything when I left.
I think, like you are all saying...do your life...if I can help I will.... but, I need to make a life too...I don't have my whole life in front of me like they do. Also, my grandmother was like this with me...so I think it is why i am so committed.

I I understand that it must be difficult to see a way out.
It's much the same as being in a relationship where you're abused; you can't see the wood for the trees.
Sometimes just having a sounding board is enough to clear your mind.

A sounding board can be good. There's also something to be said for therapy when you're at a crossroads in life. Just someone who is there to focus on you and help you plot a new course and find some clarity. You may be able to do that on your own but it can be affirming to do it with someone else.