Son in law

Different people have different ways it probably isn’t you maybe he’s uncomfortable with people visiting a lot with a small baby, maybe he’s not a very sociable person, maybe he’s a loner
It’s actually you that is making it into a problem nana56 does it really matter if he didn’t come to say hi or make small talk is it really something to get upset over you’re already worrying about situations that haven’t occurred yet ‘what ifs’
(family gatherings), and Hoping he won’t alienate us and . I’m just hoping he doesn’t try to control my Dd for goodness sake nana56 this is all in your mind you’re letting your imagination run riot just because he doesn’t seem to want to socialise

Just a thought do you visit a lot ?

Accept he has different ways to you enjoy your grand baby and just relax

New parenthood is both a great joy and upheaval. His own family sounds like they are no support and if he feels tension/judgement from you (even if it was completely unintentional) he’d just nip out and leave you both to it. He also may find it difficult at this time he should have the love and support of his family he doesn’t, and finds it hard to be around your happy family. Whatever you do don’t take it personally, as you may create a rift that was never there.
I would say nothing to your daughter at all. The only comment I would make is praise of what a good job he is doing, and perhaps send a treat box to them both with things they both like and address to the ‘new parents, a little treat to commend you both on being such wonderful parents’
I remember nothing but snide asides on my new parenting skills, and I was desperate for praise. As my therapist says when I want to react crossly in the moment, you catch more flies with honey.

My DIL used to disappear when the GC were little, we would visit and play with the GC and she would take the opportunity to catch up on some sleep or read in the bedroom.
I never had a problem with this.
Could your SIL be doing the same ? Just getting some time for himself.

You say he chose to ignore you, but you're choosing to be offended by it. Now you're stressing about Christmas which is months away. Let it go.

you seem quite hard on him or about him.
you say we all get stressed and he should just get on with it.
well he is getting on with it in his own way.
maybe he senses your attitude and hasn't got the emotional energy to be polite, but doesn't want to cause upset for his wife, so just avoids you.
which seems sensible to me.
don't take offence. he is probably coping as best he can.
how does it really affect you. it doesn't really does it.
is your pride hurt that he doesn't appear before you.

He may be anxious that you will try to start a conversation with him.

It will probably be different at Christmas time.

Thanks for all your kind words. I think what hurt most was that he had obviously arrived home and chose not to say hi.
It’s going to make family gatherings hard especially at Xmas.
He plainly chose to ignore us, he could have made an excuse to go ie got to water allotment etc

Nana please don't be "upset" or "insulted"... that seems way over the top.

Just try reassuring your D Nana56 with comments like 'it's fine', 'no worries', 'maybe he had something else planned' etc. and make the most of the time you spend with your D and GC.

Just let it go. My husband never enjoyed visiting my parents or mixing with my family for a variety of reasons and when he did come I felt agitated to make sure he was ok. He would then want to leave early. In the end I found it easier to go by myself as it was less stressful on me. I used to make excuses for him like he was ‘cutting the lawn’ which usually was true.

New baby time is very stressful for everyone. Be there when asked, always make both welcome in your Hiuse even if it’s difficult and support mum and baby. I think it’ll pass.

He may be sad, overwhelmed, or anxious about his own issues. He may feel awkward, jealous, or confused when facing the new family dynamics. Or it could be something else entirely. Maybe he takes advantage of the visits to get some time alone. Who knows? As others have said, just enjoy being with your lovely daughter and grandchild.

Any hints that you are upset would likely make things worse and as long as your daughter and the baby seem fine, there's no reason to be alarmed. When young people get married and start their own family, they feel like it's afresh start to be independent, to make their own rules and choices. It can be a bit of a shock when a baby arrives and all of a sudden everyone is in the mix again. Hopefully, given a little time and patience, all will resolve on its own.

I d leave things well alone Some men (and women) aren’t as social as others, can’t you enjoy a visit with your daughter and baby, why does he have to be there Perhaps he thinks he’s giving you and her space to be together perhaps he’s not a mixer perhaps he doesn’t want to make small talk I don’t see why it matters All families are different some blend easily some don’t
Enjoy your visits and stop weaving reasons behind his moves no ones suggested you don’t visit if you have a good relationship with your daughter she will ask if she needs help

NotSpaghetti I agree with you. If there is something going on your daughter may need your support and help so hopefully you can be there for her if she is able to tell you.

I think he is probably very stressed and your daughter is "covering" for him and implying that everything is ok so that he doesn't need to face you.

If you get a chance to chat to her one-to-one you may find you need to support her more (if you can) with household tasks, the garden or whatever. He may have depression.

I'd say (to your daughter) something like "I expect x is struggling at the moment because of y. Is there anything that we can do to help you make it easier for him?"

You may find she opens up more if she understands you care for him too.

It sounds as if his head is in a very bad place and he is not himself. He might want to avoid visitors and potential enquiries about his mother and his own situation. Perhaps the next time you visit your daughter you could give him the benefit of the doubt and take along something he might enjoy ... beer, chocolate? Even if he doesn't appear in person to accept it you would be showing your support and expressing your hopes for an improvement in his mood.

Of course we all get stressed

What most of us do in that case is take ourselves away from people. Sounds like he was being thoughtful to me instead of ruining a nice visit.

Don’t jump too fast forward worrying he will alienate your daughter.

Try not to cause problems when there are none

If it happens again, just say to DD,'I am sorry we didn't see SiL today, but I expect he is busy' anodyne and neutral and registers that you are aware he wasn't there.

Hithere

As long as you see your dd and gc, i would not say anything.

I agree Hithere.

He probably doesn't want to be in anyone's company. As you say, he has worries and stress with his mum and dad. Perhaps he just needs to be on his own.
I'm sure you've done nothing wrong. Give him his space and time.
Carry on the same as your doing. Don't let it bother you. Easier said than done I know.
Thing may change in time.

As long as you see your dd and gc, i would not say anything.

Ask your daughter if you have done anything to upset him as he seems to be avoiding you. It must be very difficult for her being in the middle.

If you have inadvertently said something try to be the bigger person and apologise. He will be your grandchildren’s father forever so you need to get on to some extent.

My daughter's partner sometimes takes the opportunity to have a bit of time to himself when we visit.
Say nothing is my advice, it's their relationship.

He’s definitely avoiding us. It was so obvious that he came home , saw us, then disappeared. I’m just hoping he doesn’t try to control my Dd, although thankfully she’s a strong, independent woman. Feel sorry she’s put in that pisition.
Even DH upset which is must unusual.
He may be stressed but part of me thinks’ deal with it’ we all get dressed. After all my husband is the only granddad.
I’m keeping quiet for now after all my DD may need us especially is she had another baby. Hoping he won’t alienate us

I also agree just visit your daughter and grandchild and enjoy that lovely time . If he is making himself scarce then so what ? As you say he has mental health problems . It must be nice actually to visit and see your daughter without having to make awkward small talk with SiL - just see it as a positive and appreciate your lovely family.

I agree with everyone else, don't make an issue out of this Nana56 just be there to support your daughter. If they are happy together don't upset the apple cart.