Son in law

You say it's the final straw but it doesn't sound like there has been a falling out? It's just he isn't there when you visit? Could you ask your daughter why?

Is he snubbing you or is just that he's been through a hard time with family goings on and can't deal with guests easily? Not to say he's handling it gracefully or even a bit rudely, but it might not be personal. I'd just give him some space and, if there's an issue, wait for them to talk to me about it. I've found in life that sometimes it's best to just let people be. If he's in need of space he'll appreciate that you gave it to him. Just be there for your daughter if she's happy for visits. If there's something going on, she may need you for support.

Hi Nana56

I’d say saying nothing is a very wise move. Your daughter will eventually ask you if she wants help or advice, even then be very careful in what you say or do regarding your son in law. He’s got lots going on in his life. Be careful he doesn’t shift his “stresses” onto your shoulders because of “what you said/did”etc.

We’ve got past experience in this kind of situation and it spiralled out of control and we’re left a very sad but wiser family in matters of estrangement./allianation. All we did was support, but it was turned into something it wasn’t and we could do nothing about it. I’m still shocked by it.

Your daughter and grandchild will need your support….

My advice stay quiet we got on well with our SIL. However straight after the birth of their baby our DD wanted us there. Apparently he didn’t he made it very obvious he told us they had decided it was just going to be their time on their own with the baby. He was cross with our DD asking us to come and see them and cross that we went there. I could see his point but it’s our DD who we adore.

We thought he was unfair but we went home after words and apologies but it devastated me because I wanted to be there.
It’s their life so we have to respect that. We get on very well and its behind us but we know now not to over step the mark. Our DD is very happy and they are loving parents and that’s what matters.

I totally agree with Granniesunite post.

This has been my experience also.

Good luck nanna56

I agree with everyone else, don't make an issue out of this Nana56 just be there to support your daughter. If they are happy together don't upset the apple cart.

I also agree just visit your daughter and grandchild and enjoy that lovely time . If he is making himself scarce then so what ? As you say he has mental health problems . It must be nice actually to visit and see your daughter without having to make awkward small talk with SiL - just see it as a positive and appreciate your lovely family.

He’s definitely avoiding us. It was so obvious that he came home , saw us, then disappeared. I’m just hoping he doesn’t try to control my Dd, although thankfully she’s a strong, independent woman. Feel sorry she’s put in that pisition.
Even DH upset which is must unusual.
He may be stressed but part of me thinks’ deal with it’ we all get dressed. After all my husband is the only granddad.
I’m keeping quiet for now after all my DD may need us especially is she had another baby. Hoping he won’t alienate us

My daughter's partner sometimes takes the opportunity to have a bit of time to himself when we visit.
Say nothing is my advice, it's their relationship.

Ask your daughter if you have done anything to upset him as he seems to be avoiding you. It must be very difficult for her being in the middle.

If you have inadvertently said something try to be the bigger person and apologise. He will be your grandchildren’s father forever so you need to get on to some extent.

As long as you see your dd and gc, i would not say anything.

Hithere

As long as you see your dd and gc, i would not say anything.

I agree Hithere.

He probably doesn't want to be in anyone's company. As you say, he has worries and stress with his mum and dad. Perhaps he just needs to be on his own.
I'm sure you've done nothing wrong. Give him his space and time.
Carry on the same as your doing. Don't let it bother you. Easier said than done I know.
Thing may change in time.

If it happens again, just say to DD,'I am sorry we didn't see SiL today, but I expect he is busy' anodyne and neutral and registers that you are aware he wasn't there.

Of course we all get stressed

What most of us do in that case is take ourselves away from people. Sounds like he was being thoughtful to me instead of ruining a nice visit.

Don’t jump too fast forward worrying he will alienate your daughter.

Try not to cause problems when there are none

It sounds as if his head is in a very bad place and he is not himself. He might want to avoid visitors and potential enquiries about his mother and his own situation. Perhaps the next time you visit your daughter you could give him the benefit of the doubt and take along something he might enjoy ... beer, chocolate? Even if he doesn't appear in person to accept it you would be showing your support and expressing your hopes for an improvement in his mood.

I think he is probably very stressed and your daughter is "covering" for him and implying that everything is ok so that he doesn't need to face you.

If you get a chance to chat to her one-to-one you may find you need to support her more (if you can) with household tasks, the garden or whatever. He may have depression.

I'd say (to your daughter) something like "I expect x is struggling at the moment because of y. Is there anything that we can do to help you make it easier for him?"

You may find she opens up more if she understands you care for him too.

NotSpaghetti I agree with you. If there is something going on your daughter may need your support and help so hopefully you can be there for her if she is able to tell you.

I d leave things well alone Some men (and women) aren’t as social as others, can’t you enjoy a visit with your daughter and baby, why does he have to be there Perhaps he thinks he’s giving you and her space to be together perhaps he’s not a mixer perhaps he doesn’t want to make small talk I don’t see why it matters All families are different some blend easily some don’t
Enjoy your visits and stop weaving reasons behind his moves no ones suggested you don’t visit if you have a good relationship with your daughter she will ask if she needs help

He may be sad, overwhelmed, or anxious about his own issues. He may feel awkward, jealous, or confused when facing the new family dynamics. Or it could be something else entirely. Maybe he takes advantage of the visits to get some time alone. Who knows? As others have said, just enjoy being with your lovely daughter and grandchild.

Any hints that you are upset would likely make things worse and as long as your daughter and the baby seem fine, there's no reason to be alarmed. When young people get married and start their own family, they feel like it's afresh start to be independent, to make their own rules and choices. It can be a bit of a shock when a baby arrives and all of a sudden everyone is in the mix again. Hopefully, given a little time and patience, all will resolve on its own.

New baby time is very stressful for everyone. Be there when asked, always make both welcome in your Hiuse even if it’s difficult and support mum and baby. I think it’ll pass.

Just let it go. My husband never enjoyed visiting my parents or mixing with my family for a variety of reasons and when he did come I felt agitated to make sure he was ok. He would then want to leave early. In the end I found it easier to go by myself as it was less stressful on me. I used to make excuses for him like he was ‘cutting the lawn’ which usually was true.

Just try reassuring your D Nana56 with comments like 'it's fine', 'no worries', 'maybe he had something else planned' etc. and make the most of the time you spend with your D and GC.

Nana please don't be "upset" or "insulted"... that seems way over the top.

Thanks for all your kind words. I think what hurt most was that he had obviously arrived home and chose not to say hi.
It’s going to make family gatherings hard especially at Xmas.
He plainly chose to ignore us, he could have made an excuse to go ie got to water allotment etc