Face to Face Passive Aggressive Behaviour

I admire those of you who are quick off the mark with your responses. I’m afraid PA people have generally got me on toast as I’m a reflector rather than a reactor. By the time the nasty comment/put down/PA behaviour has registered with me the time is past for calling them to account. Any attempt to address it or talk about what happened later is usually laughed off or over ridden. Frustrating, hurtful and saddening.

I have reached the point in my life (70s) when Im not into neighbouring and want as little involvement with random people as possible. I have a business to run and dont want interruptions. Time is money to me. Several times I have warded off an aggressive over entitled neighbour or a pushy sales person by saying "I cant hear you. I dont have my hearing aid in". And walking off.

A couple of people here on MN told me that this is PA behaviour. No, it isnt. Its just a useful tactic to avoid a CF person without being rude or telling them to f**k off.

As someone who got a 1st in psychology it always amuses me when someone misuses the term "passive aggressive".

Notsooldat75 it’s a bit mean to go on about it if it makes you feel uncomfortable.
Do they know it upsets you?
My worst meal, which we called chickenglue at the time is still used by my family as a measure for a meal gone wrong. It’s ‘worse than or as bad as chickenglue’ whether cooked by DC or in a restaurant.

Online,: ignore, block, whatever means are available, like bullies, PA people feed on a response. I agree but ...

I've previous said that I agree that there are PA narcissists. These are the ones that feed on a response but they do not like being ignored either. They need attention from others to feel complete. I believe that's how and why women are lured back to their partners time and time again. "But he says it won't happen again" "But he says he loves me".

If you think you know a PA narcissist, try giving constructive criticisms or mild correction and watch/listen to their reaction.

PA people do thrive on a response my MIL was an example. We all knew what she was up to never in front of a witness. So my SIL decided to play her at her own game. MIL asked many times why she was being interrogated or ignored but we did not give her an answer, left her standing and went off and did something else.
She never did learn. We were not invited to her second wedding and when her second husband died she refused to have us at the funeral knowing it would be remarked on, then told us people had been talking we just smiled and shrugged.
I must admit it did help to have an ally.

If the deadline comment was made because the item wasn't handed over when it should have been, it was perfectly in order - and was to be been expected. That is what deadlines are for! Being late was delaying other people who may not have been able to get on with their work without it. The offer to help if the poster was stuck on something was probably genuine, and that is what managers are for, to give assistance to a worker having problems. There is a touch of acidity in it, but that is not surprising if the writer is waiting for it and stuck themselves for lack of it.

If it was made well before the deadline, to someone who was always on time, or who missed a deadline once, years ago, and has been reminded of it ever since each time they had something to action, then it is passive aggressive, pretending to be helpful while implying that the receiver isn't capable of the work.

"As mentioned in the bulletin, the deadline for x was 9am. I am sure you are aware that you've now missed this deadline. Can I assist in any way?"

I am not sure that IS PA behaviour! I read that as making clear missing the deadline was unacceptable and then offering assistance if needed but requiring the employee to take responsibility for identifying any assistance rather than just taking over. However ofcourse it depends on the context of the relationships in that working environment so in some cases I suppose it could be read as PA

Such interesting insights and suggestions.

Applegran Thank you recommending the book. I found a reasonably priced copy on Abe Books. It is out of stock at Waterstones and priced from £40 upwards on Amazon. It is certainly popular.

Welbec, the real point here is that the victim of the interminable nut roast jibes feels unappreciated and under attack. Her family have picked up on this and are doing it deliberately to upset her. If she has pointed out that they do not mention the years of successful meals and they continue to dwell on the one ‘disaster ‘ then they know exactly how she feels and should desist.

The whole point of PA is that it is done knowingly and deliberately to upset another person whilst trying to evade blame. The recipient’s feelings are the defining factor.

Of course, this definition doesn’t count in the Woke world of the perpetually offended as they lack judgement as to objective reality. Their ‘truth’ is not the truth.

This topic is of interest to me because I have been learning much about it the last few years due to my own mother.

I have noticed that there seems to be 2 camps of people who use passive aggression. The first, those who do not have the skills to communicate in a healthy adult like manner. The other, a skillful toxic person. Both types of people use PA to manipulate. One due to their own self esteem issues, the other for their own entertainment.

My own mother is the queen of PA. She comes from the first camp, but bleeds into the second camp.

I was raised thinking that PA communication was normal. That is how I entered my adult relationships. I learned fairly quickly that doesn't work. Once I recognized it, I went to therapy to learn healthy ways to communicate. It took years though.

Now when I deal with a PA person, I am very direct. I may or may not tell them they are being passive aggressive, but I ask them what it is they need/want from me.

I have found that people in the first camp can be taught not to be passive aggressive to me. I think it is similar to dealing with a toddler. They will try to push the boundaries to get what they need. If you shut it down, they will learn that you wont tolerate it and mostly stop with you.

The second camp are a lost cause. When I come across these types, I grey rock. Become stone faces, smile and nod but interact as little as possible. These people like the game and manipulation and they will see you as a challenge if you push back. Make yourself as boring as possible and they will lose interest eventually.

I will state that I am not a mental health professional and this is my thoughts, opinions and how I deal with it. It may not work for everyone, but I highly recommend it.

re the person and the unfortunate nut roast; is that really passive aggressive. why don't you just laugh and say, yes it was a disaster wasn't it. why make it into something heavy by reminding them of all the successful meals. sounds like you are choosing to be grumpy.
perhaps i've not understood. it struck me as a shared family memory, something warm and bonding.

Should add to the above, my family would never have left it there, we'd have sorted it. At this point I'd had enough of all the drama and decided it was for her and DH to sort out. I wasn't giving it anymore energy. DH avoids conflict so it will never happen.

Hilarybee

I’ve always been unsure as to what passive aggressive behaviour is and this thread as been helpful to understand what it is. Do other gransnetters have different examples of PA behaviour?

To add to my previous examples, here's one more:

Context: I had suggested to MIL she visit monthly. This was more often than she was already visiting and my attempt to have regular but not overwhelming involvement as we also had other people to fit into the schedule. It wasn't often enough for her.

MIL: Well, it's clear you don't want me in your life so I'll just get out of it altogether! (MIL's expectation that we would chase her and be like, "Oh no, don't do that, come over every day! We're wrong!")
Me: OK, your decision. I just asked you to visit more often than you are now.
MIL: (after long silence). Goodbye. (hang up).

Follow through was that I left the ball in her court. (Calling her bluff, maintaining my boundary, most importantly not giving the reaction she anticipated.) That was 15 years ago. She hasn't been able to swallow her pride to sort it out so haven't been involved with her since. Her and DH can sort it out. Leaving it to DH means it will never happen.

I had a passive aggressive neighbour living above us for some years with her charming husband.
She had the irritating habit of remaining silent when she was required to speak.
I knew that as a teacher, I was very good at encouraging genuinely shy pupils to come out of their shell, but my neighbour Angie was not like that.
She used silence as a weapon, and in our church prayer group she had the temerity to make the whole group sit in silence waiting for her to pray when it was her turn, which she invariably didn't.
Looking back, it was almost funny, but at the time it irritated us all.
In the end, I realised that my best option was to cease all contact with her, which I did.
However, when I had my second child at home as a planned home birth, she interrogated my three year old daughter on the shared stairs in order to be able to tell others about the event!
It was outrageous of her to do that.
As I understand it, passive aggression in a narcissist such as my neighbour is caused by extremely low self-esteem.

I have been very moved to read all your descriptions of the devastating effects of passive aggressive behaviour.
I was greatly relieved when this couple moved away.

Online, ignore, block, whatever means are available, like bullies, PA people feed on a response.

I'm not sure that they do. In fact, it's sometimes quite the opposite. They are often people who say they don't like conflict, by which they mean they don't want to take responsibility for their actions, so they come at the problem sideways.

As an example, I had a colleague who wanted everything at work to stay the same, as she was basically lazy and didn't want to put the work in to keep things up to date. She didn't admit this, of course, and would always be 'ill' when there was a meeting to discuss future planning. This meant that she avoided the 'conflict' involved in refusing to do what everyone else felt was necessary, and she could pick people off by saying that she hadn't been involved in the decisions ('poor me') and that they had been made behind her back (playing the victim).

If she was forced to go along with what had been decided, she would do the same - just go off 'ill' when the new thing was about to roll out, so it would fall to someone else to have to update her work ready for when she got back. You could predict with certainty when she would be off sick.

She 'knew her rights', so always got paid when she was off sick, and could play the system so that she came back for just long enough to get back in credit and be able to go off again, claiming stress. If people called her to account they were accused of bullying, and so on.

At no point did she ever speak her mind and say that she wanted an easy life with no extra work. Nor did she make a case for not doing the updates that others wanted to do - both of those things would have been assertive. Instead, she made life difficult for her colleagues by just opting out with a smile, or casting herself as a victim.

She was the same socially - if she didn't want to go somewhere, she would never say so, but would pull out at the last minute, often leaving people high and dry. On the rare occasions that people called her out on it she would cry and say that she hated conflict and just wanted to get along with people, making the other person out to be the villain of the piece, when in fact it was the colleague who always got her way, one way or the other.

Unfortunately due to covid and being in lockdown it seems to have affected a lot of ppl. If they weren’t that way precovid I’d say to are you ok you coming across abit aggressive. They may not realise they doing it. But I’d probably say on phone not face to face. Also if always being that way I’d still tell them on phone and say you would prefer to not spend time with them.

Patticake, in my experience people who do passive aggressive behaviour don't know they are being aggressive. They actually feel superior.

Oh me too

I used to have a lovely lady as a neighbour and her polite response was, 'Yes Well'. It worked a treat !

My DH has demonstrated PA behaviour, when called out it's 'I'm only joking'. I have perfected the 'look' and when I know we will be in a social situation I now warn him about his behaviour beforehand.
Sometimes I could not retort at the time because I have been so embarrassed by the surprised looks others around have given.

Sadly, I don't include him when invites to me are extended to partners also.

It is quite often, as others have said a manifestation of insecurity. I think it’s nastier from behind the keyboard, partly because it’s not difficult, often posters don’t have the ‘niceties’ of real life to observe. Partly because often they have a wider audience than their victim, they get a buzz from the sympathy vote, or other mass reaction, even if what they’ve said is unsubstantiated.
I’ve rarely been subjected to it; in real life, a long time ago I have said ‘would you care to repeat that so everyone can hear’. Online, ignore, block, whatever means are available, like bullies, PA people feed on a response.

In my own experience the key to dealing with this behaviour is to be cool, calm and direct but importantly own it. For example, speaking quietly and calmly say “ when you said xyz I felt really sad/ hurt / angry or whatever and then stay quiet. They may choose to ignore your comment but they will have heard it or they may apologise. Chances are they will try to justify what they said by claiming it was a joke or they did not t mean it. If this happens, just repeat what you said. “ I felt very ....”. It may teach them a lesson. It will definitely make you feel that your feelings are important.

Hilarybee

I’ve always been unsure as to what passive aggressive behaviour is and this thread as been helpful to understand what it is. Do other gransnetters have different examples of PA behaviour?

A good example is the email wording I used to get from a previous boss.
"As mentioned in the bulletin, the deadline for x was 9am. I am sure you are aware that you've now missed this deadline. Can I assist in any way?"
Meaning: where the fk is your project?

susytish

Are narcissists and PAs connected. Can someone be both? I knew a guy who definitely was a narcissist, and would have put him as PA as well.

I think they are and as Doodledog says, the motivation behind it is different.

I believe that people with narcissism often use PA behaviour to convey frustration or make themselves look superior. They believe their specialness entitles them to get what they want. They've a desire to get back at people who wronged them or had greater success and so use PA behaviour. The new head I mentioned in my earlier post was such a person. She clearly used that behaviour with the deputy and the staff, who had an excellent rapport with the parents and children. What ever she said at the interview didn't come over in practice, as parents quite quickly became unhappy and started to talk about the head to the deputy. I was on the management team, and remember an advisor saying at a meeting that the new head and existing deputy would make a good team together! Wrong thing to say to a narcissist. As, I said before, after the deputy had tried to express her concerns, she had a horrible year until she too then left.

Walking away from PA behaviour when it happens in a marriage or work is very difficult. Standing up to such a person in a marriage or work can have massive repercussions.

Thanks Doodledog for your explanation, it’s very useful