Daughters in Law

I've been very lucky. As the mother of sons I have had wonderful Dils. They are like friends to me.

I have two wonderfull Dil`s,couldn`t wish for better.
We ahve what we call girly lunches four/six times a year,obviously covid not withstanding.
And i had a good relationship with my Mil,who sadly isn`t with us any longer.

I loved my daughter-in-law from the first moment I met her and, according to my son, she loves me! They have a baby now and she comes to see us every week so we can spend time with our granddaughter.

My MiL has had no contact with me since I separated from her son. She hasn't acknowledged her grandchildren for many years. To quote Wellington “At least I learned what not to do, and that is always a valuable lesson.” However she has been known to call my children's stepmother by my name on more than one occasion!

My friend who sadly passed away earlier this year from undiagnosed bowel cancer had had such an awful mil when she went on dating sites 'no mother' was the main box ticker followed by 'no daughters'. She had a heart of gold but had been poorly treated by her husbands family.

My first mil was a bit two faced - regularly caught on film bitching about me but she was a lovely granny but my kids were only young when she died.

Second mil we had our ups and downs but she had a heart of gold and i was closer to her than my own mum i was with her when her husband died and i will never forget the sound of her wail as it was very sudden - aortic aneurysm.
Unfortunately when i split up with her son she said she would have to take his side as blood is thicker than water so we aren't in touch any more and her son doesn't bother with her and he never did. But she is a lovely grandma to my youngest daughter.
Third mil was in a home with dementia so we never had a relationship.
Being a mil is hard though. Some women are like the mumsnet threads .
I have been a bit of a cow to my daughters boyfriend as he can be a bit controlling, he is 7 years older than her. She wanted him to join our family Whatsapp group but it would have changed the dynamic and other dd doesn't like him. I said no ring no bring. But then we set up another group and he is on that. Then dd1s bf kept giving me washing tabs that he got free with work and i will say look what my other sil has got me and we have little jokes. I wouldn't be like that with a dil it would be a warzone.
Family dynamics are such a juggling act these days. We try to be kind to all.
DH's stepson had a gf and they were having a baby he called to visit us and she sat in the car we said is so and so coming in he said she can't be bothered! She sat in the car on her phone instead!

It's like walking on eggshells. I think the mil/dil relationship must be the most difficult to navigate and it takes effort and patience on both sides to make it work.

Golly, that's awful for so many people. I knew I was lucky but I had no idea just how lucky I was.
My first Mil was a tiny, ferocious Chinese lady and we adored each other. She hugged me when we first met and we were the best of friends all her life. My second Mil was a friend before I met the son that I was to love. Loving her son just brought us closer. My third Mil died before I met her son so I never knew her.
Mercifully my Dil is a kind person and she seems to like me. She and my son are coming to my farm, tonight. It's my birthday and they're going to stay for a couple of days.
I have to say that my mother loathes my late sister's husband and she loathed two out of my three husbands. So she sort of made up for the rest of it! She's 95 in a couple of weeks and hasn't mellowed yet.

Eviebeanz

If you read those threads on mumsnet and take them too much to heart you'd be too afraid to contact them at all or buy any of the family a gift or offer to look after the gc etc

Exactly! A minefield of inadvertently offending, simply by existing it would seem in some cases

I think I was a good Dil and tried to include her in days out with the kids etc. I visited her with the kids even if my OH her only son was always too busy. I don't think she ever actually liked me and tbh the feeling was mutual, she was always trying to put me down but it didn't work as I've always had really good self esteem. In turn I have a lovely Dil who appreciates every thing I do and is what I assume having a daughter is like.

I loved my mother in law dearly but never had a daughter in law. I have five sons in law and get along with them all, I think this is a much easier relationship than than that between son’s mother and son’s wife.

I just wouldn't let mine be head of my household.

My late mother-in-law didn't like me and the feeling was mutual.
I've never liked liars. I spoke my mind.

Some of us can be a nightmare, some of us can be lovely.

It all depends on personality clashes, and mutual respect I find.

I don’t think my MIL likes me very much.

I don't have DILs but I do have a SIL. So far that's all going very well. I hope if I have DILs that will go well too. I don't think there are any guarantees but I'm hopeful.

I am a DIL and I do differently to my MIL. My MIL had no idea of her place, especially as a grandmother. The main lessons I've taken from my experience as a DIL: I will never try to be head of my DILs (or SILs) household, regard myself as an equal (or higher authority) in parenting their children, and I will take an interest in my CIL as a person rather than treating them like an someone who is in my way because they don't allow me to do the other two things (which I shouldn't try to do in the first place).

I know that doesn't cover everyone's situation.

I have two sons-in-law and we get on fine. My only daughter-in-law is a wonderful wife and mother and an all-round lovely person. I’ve known her since she was seven and it seems like she’s been one of the family since she was in her early teens. I love her to bits.

My own mother-in-law is beloved. She’s become quite frail very recently and I’m having to face the fact that one day I’ll lose her; she really has been a mother to me in every way and I will be distraught when that day comes.

Love my DIL to bits - we have 2 sons and welcomed her as the daughter we never had. She's a lovely Mum to our two GC and puts up with my son ? couldn't wish for a nicer girl. She is very close to her own grandparents and said that she loves that our GC are close to us - how nice is that?!

crazyH

Mothers- in-law can “never do right for doing wrong”. ….if you don’t ring them, you are accused of being uncaring. If you ring often, you’re a nuisance !!! So I take the line of least resistance - I wait for them to phone or text me first …..

Not in my experience.

Mothers- in-law can “never do right for doing wrong”. ….if you don’t ring them, you are accused of being uncaring. If you ring often, you’re a nuisance !!! So I take the line of least resistance - I wait for them to phone or text me first …..

Presumably that is your experience CrazyH. It is not everyone's experience and does not apply across the board!

I have always had an equivocal relationship with my mum - I was a Daddy's girl and he died when I was in my 20s. I loved my mother and father in-law to bits - they were proud Yorkshire, down South, and I was a farmer's daughter in suburbia, and they were so close, we always clicked.Also I was always taught to be independent, so when we were poor young parents, we were sure not to scrounge. When they were in need of personal care in their 90's, in the same way they were determined not to impose on us. Lost them 3 and 1 year ago, and I can honestly say I don't think anyone misses them more than me.

Madgran I couldn't agree more.

I'm a lucky MiL. When DSs came home from working abroad, accompanied by partners, they came to stay with me - not all together thank goodness. First one pair, then the other. When DSs departed for work 'down south', the girls stayed with me and found temporary work locally. They were great company and gave me a lot of help and support. Sadly, DS1 and DiL have parted but she is still a good friend to me. They are both good mums to my GC and DiL1 is a wonderful step-mum and friend to DS1's daughter by a previous relationship.

While I've never been a MiL, I've been a DiL twice. Loved them both to bits, and they me. I count myself very lucky and blessed to have known them both.

Sometimes my mother in law drove me completely around the bend, she was interfering, sometimes judgemental.
But she had a very kind heart, adored the children, and I know my in laws would have done anything they could for me.
We never fell out, but sometimes I’d go home and have a rant about her. I’m glad I always resisted telling her to her face, she would have been mortified.

Mothers- in-law can “never do right for doing wrong”. ….if you don’t ring them, you are accused of being uncaring. If you ring often, you’re a nuisance !!! So I take the line of least resistance - I wait for them to phone or text me first …..

Those threads make me feel a bit sad for both sides