Daughters in Law

I think it depends how you raise your sons

In other cultures, the adults sons get closer to the parents than daughters

As a mother of sons I’ m afraid they can be a nightmare, just like mothers in law can. Luck of the draw I guess!

Adult sorry

My MiL missed out on so much because of the way she was with me, taking her feelings out on our children also. She was much nicer to her SiL even though he cheated on her DD. The apple hasn't fallen far from the tree as far as her DD who is now a MiL and doesn't have a kind word to say about her DiL. Very sad. All I can say is the kinder you are to your DiL (not always easy I suspect), the better your relationship will be with your son.

My MIL taught me all the things not to do with your DIL if you want build and maintain a good relationship. Thanks to her expert teachings, and my good memory retention, I have a brilliant relationship with my lovely DIL and, because we get on so well, her mum is now one of my best friends.

I must add that I do have some fantastic DiL's who I think the world of but one of the two that are a pain I only showed affection for, even saying that if I'd had daughters i would have wanted them to be like her so I genuinely don't know what went wrong. It's sad how age makes you reflect hence my apology to my MiL and I know that eventually my DiL's will probably look back with regret.

My MIL, when she found out that my OH and I were living together - back in the 70s - refused to have anything to do with me. Two years later when my inlaws found out that we were getting married they came to the wedding and behaved as if nothing had happened. I decided that if we had children she would not see them. As it happens we didn't have children.

I think that some of that generation (those born at the beginning of the 20th C) believed that they should be treated with respect, regardless. Apparently they used to tell my niece in law off, to the extent that she told them if they continued to behave in that way she would not see then again.

When I look at my contemporaries who all have married children (and GCs), most of them have excellent relationships with their SILs and DILs and also with their inlaws' parents.

I had a bossy, interfering mother-in-law so I do my best to be the complete opposite. I’m very lucky to have a wonderful daughter-in-law and we have a good relationship. I love her very much.

I think that I was a fierce DIL with my first MIL. I was 17 when we first met and Sometimes there were strong opinions expressed on both sides lol. Now she is in her eighties and we are in touch even though she's no longer officially my MIL.
I have 3 sons, two who are in long term relationships. Over the years however various girlfriends have come and gone and I think I've gained a lot of experience.
One DIL I get on very well with and also with her mum. The other one i am not as close with geographically or emotionally, but still okay with each other. I try to be the kind of MIL who does not interfere or offer opinions unless asked etc. Sometimes though this can be perceived as a lack of interest. It can be tricky -sometimes you can't do right for doing wrong. I just try to do my best.

I had a domineering mother in law that took over most of the mile stones in my, my husband’s and children’s lives.
I started out as a domineering mil but have wound that back considerably, since it caused friction between us. Dil and I’s relationship is a work in progress. It is a big thing to join families often with people you might not have chosen to be you mil or visa versa your dil.
We are polar opposites but with a lot of work we have quite a good relationship now, tbh, better than with my son’s. She communicates more and always remembers birthdays and special days

I had a lovely MiL and I have a wonderful DiL, We get on very well and always have done.

I do find that it's generally the DILs who remember birthdays etc and not the sons.
I also have another MIL now. The dynamic there has been very different from the start.
I was nearly 40 when we first met. Sometimes when there is friction in these relationships it is to do with emotions and insecurities in the various relationships involved.

Whenever my son's have tried to tell me about their woes in any relationship they think I lack sympathy when I tell them that they are telling the wrong person and to go home and sort it out.

I read the threads on Mumsnet about MiLs, moaning about them always phoning, or popping round and it has made me anxious about how I keep in touch with my two 'pairs'. I want to be part of their lives, for them to want to spend time with us, and would be mortified if I ever caught an eye roll.

If you read those threads on mumsnet and take them too much to heart you'd be too afraid to contact them at all or buy any of the family a gift or offer to look after the gc etc

To be honest I think any generalisation is daft! Relationships depend on the personalities involved, confidence or lack of it, behaviours , ability to discuss and behave like an adult and much more. Relationships do not depend on specific roles in the family life MiL or DiL!

Those threads make me feel a bit sad for both sides

Mothers- in-law can “never do right for doing wrong”. ….if you don’t ring them, you are accused of being uncaring. If you ring often, you’re a nuisance !!! So I take the line of least resistance - I wait for them to phone or text me first …..

Sometimes my mother in law drove me completely around the bend, she was interfering, sometimes judgemental.
But she had a very kind heart, adored the children, and I know my in laws would have done anything they could for me.
We never fell out, but sometimes I’d go home and have a rant about her. I’m glad I always resisted telling her to her face, she would have been mortified.

While I've never been a MiL, I've been a DiL twice. Loved them both to bits, and they me. I count myself very lucky and blessed to have known them both.

I'm a lucky MiL. When DSs came home from working abroad, accompanied by partners, they came to stay with me - not all together thank goodness. First one pair, then the other. When DSs departed for work 'down south', the girls stayed with me and found temporary work locally. They were great company and gave me a lot of help and support. Sadly, DS1 and DiL have parted but she is still a good friend to me. They are both good mums to my GC and DiL1 is a wonderful step-mum and friend to DS1's daughter by a previous relationship.

Madgran I couldn't agree more.

I have always had an equivocal relationship with my mum - I was a Daddy's girl and he died when I was in my 20s. I loved my mother and father in-law to bits - they were proud Yorkshire, down South, and I was a farmer's daughter in suburbia, and they were so close, we always clicked.Also I was always taught to be independent, so when we were poor young parents, we were sure not to scrounge. When they were in need of personal care in their 90's, in the same way they were determined not to impose on us. Lost them 3 and 1 year ago, and I can honestly say I don't think anyone misses them more than me.

Mothers- in-law can “never do right for doing wrong”. ….if you don’t ring them, you are accused of being uncaring. If you ring often, you’re a nuisance !!! So I take the line of least resistance - I wait for them to phone or text me first …..

Presumably that is your experience CrazyH. It is not everyone's experience and does not apply across the board!