Am I doomed to be a burden on my children?

Another question that should be considered is who will pay for our care if not our poor family?

I am 74 with well managed diabetes but otherwise healthy. I lost both parents to Alzheimer’s, father at 78 mother 92. Both only spent a short time in a care home before they died, prior to being cared for at home.
My husband and I agreed between us that neither would put the other into a home. I nursed my husband with cancer until the day he died and though hard work and emotionally draining I kept my promise.
I have a daughter that I live close to who knows that I do not want to end up in a home. I am very independent and as has been said I have to pay now for jobs that my DH did round the house.
Probably a controversial point but I am hoping that by the time my faculties are compromised, the issues of euthanasia will be sorted and I will be able to choose when Ive had enough.
I recollect my lovely mum saying ‘you can live too long’ and I’ve always remembered that.

BOBBYDOG : I agree with you entirely. My husband and I have decided that when the day comes that we can no longer look after ourselves, we will do what’s necessary. We want to stay in our own home, no moving for us, and no burden for our AC. If one of us dies before the other, the same decisions will carry on for the one who is left. We have told our children, who don’t agree ( they will want to look after us) , but we are very firm about this. Dementia or severe disabilities , and we will opt out, hoping that euthenasia will be sorted out by the time we get there. If not, as said previously, we will do what’s necessary.

When we were young, my mother said she would never be a burden to us when she got older as she had her mother living with her for years and it caused a lot of arguments as my dad and my grandmother did not get on. When she started to get older and more frail my mum moved into sheltered housing and we all made sure we visited and helped out. Even when she was in a wheelchair most of the time, she still wanted her own independence and she managed to keep this right up until she died. I would never ask my son to take care of me and just hope I can live independently for the rest of my life.

I was born to older parent 38 and 40 who both became ill early so from 13 spent most of my life looking after them. I loved them dearly but would not want that for me. Unfortunately I was not able to have children but I have a lovely husband who is 10 years younger than me and have made it quite clear that I have no problem being put into a home when the time comes. I have also told a couple of very close friends to both of us to make sure he does so if needed
I am 62 so hopefully many more years together yet.

We can pre pay for and even arrange our own funerals well in advance.
We can also sign paperwork that we do not want to be resuscitated.
It's a shame that we can not make plans in advance for when we need extra help either before we become physically incapacitated or mentally incapacitated. It would save a few problems - you wouldn't feel a burden to your family because you had already made advance plans of what you wanted to happen and maybe even made the choice of where you wanted to go - all decisions taken out of your family's hands and they would be happy knowing it was what you wanted!

Gill66. My thoughts exactly.

Galaxy

I wonder also if one thing that may help is that many people of younger generations are used to buying in help. I have had someone to clean throughout my working life, something my parents wouldnt dream of, I use internet delivery for shopping, etc, obviously this doesnt solve the issue of care for complex conditions but may help in some little ways for those without profound needs. Many of the support systems will already be in place if you see what I mean.

I think you’re probably right. When my old mum stopped driving I suggested taxis. She wasn’t rich but could afford a taxi to the bowls or community centre club. She was horrified. People ‘like her’ didn’t use taxis. Eventually she got the hang of it but it took a while. She even learned that Asian taxi drivers can actually be very nice people- a revelation to her ? Ditto with a gardener and a cleaner. Totally against until she saw how it worked. Basically she wanted me to do it all.
I agree we’re much more accepting of ‘buying in’ help. And even online shopping isn’t too radical for us. My mum just can’t understand how that works. There will probably be new innovations by the time I get to that stage (if I do) which I’ll not understand but I think the world has changed so much in the last 100 years it might not be so different for me??

Btw I had an interesting chat yesterday with a distant relation. She came to visit with her DD. She was very clear that if her DD ever ‘put her in one of those retirement places’ she’d come and haunt them! The DD just smiled resignedly. We’re not all good like those on this thread. Some have every intention of relying on their offspring! My SILs dad says quite openly that he’s ‘owed it’ (ie his sons time) as he ‘paid to feed him when he was a boy’. ?

I certainly would not expect any of my children to change their lives to look after me, nor would my DH, as it happens we hope to be as independent as we possibly can for as long as we can, obviously if dementia sets in then things will change, it’s a awful thought but something that is becoming on the increase,

Lots to think about here isn't there. Have had end of life issues with both parents and inlaws, both very different situations so different things to learn from both experiences. The inlaws situation led my children to say please don't move too far away as they had seen what happened if elderly parents did that, despite both their children living about 20 mins drive from each other and thus a couple of hours drive from them, they would not consider moving closer, which was ok when they were more or less able but not a wise decision when they got less able. I get that they liked to be near their friends, but their friends died or became unable to visit or do things together, so eventually that was not a valid reason to stay there, they did not seem to have made any younger friends so few visits from local people. There is a lovely little town midway between siblings, very popular with retirees, plenty of amenities for them, actually a very similar place to where they lived, but with no commuters. Potential for much more visits from family, and if they'd moved to a more suitable property much less to ask for help with. But hey, one IL went down with dementia and had not made powers of attorney, even though I suggested it, I'd been told it was none of my business to suggest it. So that all complicated things. They had not made their home suitable for when things like stairs got difficult, so there was no loo downstairs for example. Things went downhill and everything had to be done as an emergency. In the end, all their savings were spent on 24-hour in-home care and a new downstairs bit which was good but they only got a few months use, as the non-dementia IL died and the remaining one had to go into a home near one child
They had the right o do what they did but it made things incrediblt difficult for their children, and honestly, they would have been happier if they had done differently. A house is just that and not worth staying in if it is now the wrong place for you, no matter how many happy memories, it's possible that the first to go would have lived longer had they done so as house issues were instrumental in the final problem. They wouldn't take taxis, or change dentists to one easier of access, or get a carer for occasions when it would be good to leave IL with dementia at home for an hour while the other went to an appointment, wouldn't consider having Specsavers visit home, for example, instead insisting a child came [2 hours drive there and back on a work day] and took them.
So please do powers of attorney, get advice on wills, and think what would happen if you had a problem, can you adapt your home, would you do well to move closer to family, or bus routes or facilities. Think what would happen if you needed a walker and make adjustments when you can, get a gardener in for an hour or 2 a week and a cleaner once a week, and get in touch with your good neighbour scheme who can help with little one-off jobs so when family visit they can enjoy being with you. Learn how to email and skype/whatever the latest keep in touch system is. Basically think ahead and try and make things as easy as possible for your family should things become hard for you, or at very least make it so that things do not become almost impossible
My parents were able-bodied for a lot longer and lived close to bus routes and a lot more facilities, and Dad drove for longer, they accepted the use of taxis if the bus was not convenient. Mum [same age as MIL] learned how to use a computer and they would skype and mum would order groceries online and used a tablet when she became less mobile. She had a cleaner, and when eventually she became less able to cope got carers in to help with Dad as he became less able and had a stairlift put in for her [which Dad also used]. they had a carer come in a taxi for appointments when it came to the point when it was needed, and found an easy access dentist and had Specsavers and the chiropodist come to the house. When she wasn't able to one of us could help with online ordering, and when I visited I could sort out stuff that needed doing if there was outstanding stuff. Yes there were difficulties, but it wasn't the intensely dreadful situations that the inlaws kept suffering from. To be fair they had much better community NHS support than the inlaws had but whether they said we don't need it, our children will help, we don't need it, don't know, wouldn't be surprised.
I'm trying to future-proof my home, if need be, I could actually live downstairs if need be, I've had it rewired and lots of safety features put in, and am working on making my garden easier to deal with, and an easier access bath for example. I'm staying near my children, once I retire, while I can, I'll visit other places I'd like to spend more time instead. I've told my children to let me know if I'm being silly about now modernising, to keep me up to date on things that might make life easier. I'm sorting out powers of attorney hope that the memories of how it was will encourage me to make things as easy as possible for everyone

I would do everything possible not to be a burden to my children. Some ideas from other posters, such as having a cleaner and using taxis, I will use so I can remain independent for as long as I am able.
If or when it's needed I will go into a home.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

At the age of 98 I am certainly not a burden to my son who lives 150:miles away. Have lived alone for thirty four years since my husband died. Although I have very bad arthritis in my knees making mobility slow and painful still manage to shower and do my cooking. I have a very good home help who lives in the next street and is at the end of phone should I need her. For five weeks she drove me every day to hospital thirty miles away for radiotherapy for cancer. Thankfully cured. Takes me to the dentist etc.
She and my son know that the last thing I would want is to go into a care home and for the amount they charge would be able to pay for more help to stay in my own home.

Well done, Bijou

I hope I'll be like you, although my knees are giving me gyp already!

Jillybird

I'm just popping on to say I'm not sure about the premise in the original post. The elderly having not had to look after their parents is what I am querying. Am I elderly at 73? I certainly looked after my mother. Thankfully, she did live just around the corner (5 mins walk) and was already in a bungalow, so she wasn't too much of a worry until she got to 80 and at that point started showing signs of not being quite the full ticket... She also had to go into hospital to get a stent for her 80th birthday and that seemed to change her a lot. She had carers morning and evening to get her up and dressed and to put her to bed. She had a cleaner and a gardener but I went in every night after work and stayed until the evening carer arrived. I also spent every Saturday morning with her, doing other jobs. Did she appreciate it? Did she hell! She regularly told me about other "daughters " who did x, y, and z for their mums... So that was my life for ten years even though I was a single parent bringing up two teenage boys.

Recently, one of the boys above, who is now 48 berated me as soon as I walked into his house. Just when was I going to move nearer? How did I think he was going to look after me when I live so far away? It turned out his wife's parents had both become ill at the same time and were in different hospitals. My DiL couldn't go to visit for a number of reasons: she has a full-time job, they have a disabled child as well as two others, the parents are at the other end of the country, so 3 - 4 hours drive away. This got eldest son worried about me...

I don't think it's fair to say the older generation don't know what it's like. In her turn my mother drove across London every Friday night after work to fetch my grandmother - we were in SE London and my grandmother was in NW London so it was a pretty long journey there and back. Grandma stayed at our house every weekend.

That’s fair comment. It wasn’t an accusation. Just a question for discussion really? And regards very elderly I’m talking about 95+. It’s good your son is thinking about you though. That’s nice.

I don't think most people want to be a burden, but sometimes these things happen.
I'm determined they won't happen to me, but who knows?

I would not mind going in a care home. I believe I have mnd but won't go doctor. I'm spending money now, as you get same facilities with or without money in care home.

I’ve just updated my power of attorney stuff. And thinking about how I could make my house easier to live in. But it’s making me sad. My parents were quite old when I was born and they always seemed old to me. I thought that I was a different kind of mother: more of a friend to my children than a mother. We used to go to gigs together and still like the same sort of music, films tv programmes etc. But I’m not the friend I wanted to be. I have become the elderly parent that they just regard as someone that is going to be a problem to them in the future: possibly near future if my knees get much worse. I’d like to downsize but the thought of getting the house ready to sell seems too much. I’ve thought about turning the garage into a room with a shower so I could live downstairs if needs be as it needs to be re roofed anyway. Where do all the years go?

Seems all i hear now is ac are busy. Didnt matter how busy we were parents always thought of and anything that could be done for them done. Lots of AC now have been spoilt, thoroughly, and this seems to have made them uncaring and selfish. This is my experience and experience of others i know. I would never have walked away from my beloved mum if i knew she needed my help and i was able to give it. This is often not the case now. My mum cycled a few miles to her own mum to help when it was needed. Even though she had many children and lots to do. Im afraid my own daughter wouldn't get into her smart car, and she has plenty of free time, to assist me.

This subject has concerned me but I definitely do not want to be a problem to my children, I had children because I wanted them, to have good lives, not run around after me,

I have 3 daughters and 1 son.
My ex had a refrain 'i'll be alright in old age plenty to look after me'.

madeleine45

I have lived abroad , sorted my own way out with a child of two living in syria, travelled about and never been near enough to my family to be able to rely on anyone to help me . Looked after my husband until he died, on my own and am now living with cancer and a bad back. I do not have the money to contemplate living in any sort of care home style place even if I wanted to . I did hospital car service 3 days a week for 10 years, and saw so many people having to move somewhere they would not have chosen through ill health, because they did not want to leave a loved home. So I moved here a couple of months ago to a ground floor flat, leaving my 3 bed semi but more importantly my beloved big garden. It was a wrench especially giving up my piano, but I shall get myself sorted out eventually and have got my independance , which I value, am now near to a train station and buses if I have to give up driving . It was a very difficult move as had been in my last property for the longest time I have spent in one house of 21 years to sort out and with covid it made it extremely difficult and could not have family or friends to help. But the most important thing is I am still doing it my way!! However my body behaves my brain , at the moment, is working ok, and I can listen to radio 3 all day and not bother anyone else. Stephanie Cole in waiting for god has used much of my ideas and I must have been a role model. ! I intend to carry on being myself and living my own way, eating what I like, doing as I please, within reason. If I cant sleep and want to wander around at three am, reading or going on the internet it is up to me. In particular with the covid situation seeing how people have been treated in care homes I do not intend to join them unless I can help it. There may have been genuine reasons for it but to be controlled and told what you can and cant do and being stuck in one room sounds more like prison than a home to me. I stuck to the rules and was also shielding because of the cancer but I still felt in charge of my own life and was behaving appropriately because it was the right thing to do and not because I was told or forced to do something by other people. So I hope to stay here for as long as possible and make the most of what I can , here in Yorkshire, where I want to be for as long as I can. Friends, music, reading and walking and being able to go up into Swaledale or to the coast give me much pleasure and hopefully I should be able to continue to have those for a long time and dont cost a lot of money so have done the best that I can to organise my life situation and not be dependant for now. What the future brings I cannot say but by moving I have done a lot of sorting out so that will not be a hassle for the family . After many years of looking out for other people I think working out a good solution for ourselves matters. Leaving friends of many years to live near family who are probably out at work and you would not see very much is a big step to take. Also especially in the present circumstances there is the possibility of the family having to move for job reasons and you could end up alone in an area you dont know or dont particularly like.

We do need to help ourselves by moving to a place that is suitable for an 80 yr old when we retire, being near public transport when we can't drive any more.
I've always been shocked by the newly-retired talking about 'moving to the country'.

jaylucy

We can pre pay for and even arrange our own funerals well in advance.
We can also sign paperwork that we do not want to be resuscitated.
It's a shame that we can not make plans in advance for when we need extra help either before we become physically incapacitated or mentally incapacitated. It would save a few problems - you wouldn't feel a burden to your family because you had already made advance plans of what you wanted to happen and maybe even made the choice of where you wanted to go - all decisions taken out of your family's hands and they would be happy knowing it was what you wanted!

You can at least put in place a Health and Welfare Power of Attorney (as well as the finances one) with your own added paragraph in the space provided, to state your wishes if you become mentally incapable, or otherwise unable to state them (e.g. after a major stroke).

This is in addition to any ‘do not resuscitate’ direction in your medical notes. That will apply only in very specific cases and will not prevent any other ‘striving to keep alive’ that you might not want.

E.g. I heard of a case of an over 90 year old with at least moderate dementia, being given a pacemaker. It was the relatives’ choice, even though they’d asked medics what would happen if s/he didn’t have it, and were told that s/he would most probably drift away in their sleep.

One of my students, in one of my conversation classes, aged 95 had heart treatment through choice and why not, she was intelligent active person and was told she could have a heart attack at any time if she didn’t go through with it.
However, a younger student’s mother was operated for cancer which neither she nor her mother wanted and just made her weaker.
Every case is different. We mustn’t give an age to refuse treatment when life can be enjoyed.
That being said for myself, if I am in pain and/or not enjoying life wherever I am, I would prefer to have non-voluntary euthanasia.