table manners

Children learn from those around them and their habits .

Good table manners are essential in a civilized society.
While many people sound quite relaxed about their grandchildren's lack of manners and discipline, can they truly say they have never been repulsed by the behavior of other people's children when eating out?
Think about it.

Bad behaviour ,, blame the parents .. examples should be set from an early age , no big deal really .. it can all be done with kindness ,, I had no problem with my two boys ( now men) ;; and we always sat at the table .. I for one cant digest with food on my knee ,, unless it is a sandwich // quick snack ... I took mine to restaurants from an early age , they behaved ,, no running around the restaurant ... I honestly cant see why families have such a problem ... and I have seen disabled children even behaving as best they can !

I think manners very important, put great emphasis on them. Know you can’t impose your views on grandchildren as it all goes back to mom and you might end up in hot water.

I'm amazed by how many people seem to think that table manners aren't terribly important for children aged 6 and 8.
These are the ones that make having a meal out unpleasant for the rest of us.

My grandchildren don't sit at a table for meals at home but have to at my house. I just constantly go thru same things & now they know what's expected of them. They even always ask if they can leave the table. They will ' get it' eventually.

My grandchildren don't sit at a table at home but they have that my house. I just constantly went thru same thing again & again & now they know what is expected of them. They even ask if they can leave the table. Be patient but persistent & they will eventually get it".

Although it is going somewhat away from the original post,Ii'd like to point out that many smaller new homes are designed to have no room for a dining table (or even a kitchen one).
I had a very animated discussion with an architect who had been commissioned to design social housing where I worked. Councillors, community leaders & those on the board of the Housing Association had been told that 'modern people don't want a dining table'. I said that they had little choice - these homes were so small and badly designed that you couldn't fit in a comfy settee (which is very useful for a family) and even a small proper table.
Some families did use folding tables, but really, you can see why it is more bother than it is worth. So yes, a lot of families did like to go to nan's for Sunday dinner and sit down to eat properly. And there are 'manners' and conventions around eating politely when sitting on a settee, but they are different. On the odd occasions I have eaten with a plate on my lap, I have not wanted to use cutlery!

Violettham OP isn’t interfering, not unreasonably she would like the grandchildren to behave properly when sitting (if you can call it sitting by the sound of things) at her dinner table and not roll their eyes and ignore her. It’s impossible to enjoy a meal in your own home with children behaving like that.

I can remember nannying children who never sat at the table and as he was due to start school he was in for a shock .He did sit at the table when I was there .There are lots of parents who never eat with their children so do not know what a proper mealtime is .Mine learnt to use a knife and fork from an early age .Also it is a good learning curve if they go out for a meal

My grandkids are 14 and 9…. Brought up by the same two people in the same way as each other. The eldest , a boy , has impeccable table manners . Still asks to leave the table, removes his plate and puts it by the dishwasher. The youngest, a girl, won’t ‘sit up’….won’t stop wriggling…. Won’t eat with knife and fork ( just a fork)…won’t ask to leave the table! Two kids…same rules! She’s just a more forthright personality. We just keep re-inforcing the good behaviour ..WITHOUT… extolling her big brothers’ virtues. She’s hard work but she’s getting there.

I agree with Cossy and cannnot understand why you are interfering this is the Parents job

I agree with you Catlover123 table manners are important and should be taught from a very young age, as soon as they can hold a spoon. Their parents need to make more effort to instil good table manners at home. When they are in your care (whether it's in your home or theirs) they should respect you and your wishes and most certainly not ignore you.

Children of 6 & 8 years of age are more than capable of using normal household cutlery and do not need to eat with their fingers.

Last weekend one of our GC abandoned her cutlery and started to eat with fingers. I only had to say her name sharply and point to her cutlery and she immediately picked it up and continued eating. I then thanked her and and said 'Now you won't get greasy finger marks on your nice clothes'. Her parents were at the table with us and agreed with me.

It's unfortunate that so many foods today are presented as finger foods - from Macdonalds to chicken nuggets and chips. And as others have said many homes don't even have a dining table now as it is 'unnecessary' to their lifestyle. Surely that's even more reason to instil good table manners by taking children to cafes and restaurants where food is eaten at tables with cutlery.

And why should you not correct a child simply because you're not their parent. I will correct or admonish any child whose behaviour I don't like be they my grandchild or someone else's child for that matter. Maybe if more of us did that they might get the message that unacceptable behaviour won't be tolerated.

I don’t remember teaching my OC any table manners or how to hold a knife and fork. Surely that is set by example? Children copy what they see. I can only suggest not sitting them next or near to each other which may encourage silliness.

To learn how to conduct yourself at a meal table is every bit as important as please or thank you etc.

Sadly I have see many adults who cannot eat with a knife and fork, sitting down to dinner wearing a hat, waving cutlery around and generally behaving like oiks.

HKLP is the most common and starting to eat before everyone has their food.

It would be nice to go back to the time when teachers headed every table in the refectory and enforced good table manners.

It is so important and not always taught at home..

I'm totally in agreement with GreyKnitter on this - yes, table manners are important, but to me, it's more important that mealtimes are an enjoyable occasion and not an ordeal. I'd much rather my grandson grew up with happy memories of us all sitting round the table eating as a family and enjoying it, than be threatened with various punishments or sent away from the table.

I'm afraid I couldn't enjoy a mealtime if children were slipping under the table and putting feet on it etc. And eating noisily with mouth open would be a definite no no.
I wouldn't really care how they held their cutlery, as long as they used cutlery. I'm not sure it matters really nowadays.
How would they know not to behave like this when in a restaurant? I remember my sisters children doing things like this when we went out for a meal. It was embarrassing and unpleasant and the staff were not imrpessed. Needless to say I never went out with them again.
I'm not sure there's much you can do abut it, except maybe if you are looking after them, you can reinforce it by saying if you behave, there's a special treat after dinner. And praising them for it if they cooperate.

I think, as grandparents, I would leave this to the parents. In your position l would try and make mealtimes as pleasant as possible, including them in the general conversation. If they speak with food in their mouths you could remind them along the lines of “wait until you have finished that mouthful.”

This reminds me of the time, many years ago, that we were eating a meal at an older relative’s house with our daughter, who was fifteen months old at the time. There were several older aunts and uncles and I felt very much on display. Fortunately, our daughter proved to be a real trouper and sat quietly on a booster seat and proceeded to eat all her dinner with great enjoyment using a spoon and fork. Relief was the order of the day.

Manners are important in general - please and thank you go a long way - and table manners are part of that. But everyone has different lifestyles and expectations and as a grandparent I’d rather they came to me for meals and remembered them as happy family times rather than constantly being in trouble and even sent from the table for what I consider to be minor issues. I’d never dream of doing that with any of our grandchildren as it’s not my role. I might show a different way of doing it or offer assistance and hopefully set a good example but never punish and certainly not forbid pudding! I guess we’re all different with different ideas of how to help our grandchildren to grow in to kind, polite, helpful and friendly adults. I love having my grandchildren for meals and they are always happy, chatty times even if their table manners aren’t always perfect.

A small child seated in their high chair at the table while parents are eating even though the child may have already been fed is no bad thing. Children learn by example and if any one is to blame for bad manners look no further than an adult..

Years ago I worked with a very clever man, First from Cambridge. He was in his late 50s, was unmarried and had no friends. Not surprising if you witnessed him eating. Mouth always open, and talking at the same time. It was a disgusting sight. Obviously never corrected as a child. No mental issues to excuse the behaviour.

I have a cautionary tale regarding table manners.
When our children were small, DH always used to insist on good manners saying, “You need to behave when the Queen invites you to tea,”. They all laughed their heads off. Then - when she was 18 DD was invited to Buckingham Palace…. So her good table manners were not in vain.
Who knows when you may find yourself in a similar situation?

I don't remember my husband or myself teaching our boys table manners. However my brother who well knew this a snobbish world did teach his daughters details such as how to use the soup spoon properly.

His daughter adored him so I guess it was easy for him to teach them.

Are the children expected to use adult cultlery, or do they still use a children's size?

A full sized fork or knife can be quite unmanageable for small hands.

On another thread about the same problem, I suggested making a game: Today we will all eat the way grandma was taught as a child. Sit up straight, elbows off the table, and use your knife and fork properly

Another game could be pretending to be at a grown-up dinner party - again with reference to when grandma was little and her parents held dinner parties, as I doubt your grandchildren know what a dinner party is!

Times change - I too was sent from the table if I didn't eat up, played with my food etc. I agree we didn't learn table manners by standing at the kitchen table to eat, but that wasn't the point of that particular exercise. It was a small punishment for bad behaviour. "You can come in again and sit with us at the table if you can eat properly."

I would worry more about the children ignoring the grown ups and getting away with it, so I understand why their parents send them away from the table.

A remark such as, "Please don't ignore me - it is rude not to answer when you are spoken to" would be in place here.

It sounds to me as if you and the children's parents are in agreement here, so I don't agree with the poster who said it was the parents' place to correct the children, not yours.

To me, you are fully entitled to correct a child whose manners don't come up to the standard the parents demand, if the children are in your home. Likewise if the child is ignoring you, you surely do not need to wait for the parent to correct her.

Teaching grandchildren is not for you to do. You brought you children up as you felt necessary. The grandchildren manners are not your problem. .dont interfere