'That' type of husband.

That's entirely different from having a controlling partner.
My friend's boyfriend liked to pick her up from the station after work, which sounds great but meant that slowly he began working out how long the train journey took, then "worrying" if she wasn't at the station precisely at the time he expected, which gradually meant she would have to hurry along, almost running, so she could catch the train they had factored into the equation...
Then he missed her too much when she took night classes, so she gave them up, and he very kindly bought her the means to study at home instead.

We do most things as a couple and have done so in the 54 years we have been married I love being with my husband and he loves being with me we have our allotment and we belong to Rock Choir. I can’t see the point in being married and living like a single. My husband often says he thanks God every second of the day for me as I do him.

On the subject of controlling DHs this isn’t always apparent in the early days of marriage as I discovered with DH1. It built up so gradually and was hardly noticeable at first. With hindsight I realise I could have seen it coming but life got in the way. For some people it’s too late once they realise.
Also I really enjoy women’s only activities and see no reason not to get involved just because my DH can’t come. I have no desire to get involved in his men’s outings to football, golf, motor racing etc.

Jillybird
Maybe if they did discuss childbirth and all the "messy stuff", sore nipples and the rest, with men then men would be more understanding of the problems and would know how to help.

V3ra

Jackiest I just wonder do you have any friends you socialise with who are widows?

Of my holiday group of four, two of us have been widowed quite young.
Two of us have husbands still, one of them takes us to the airport and one of them picks us up.
It's never been mentioned that they can't come with us, but they wouldn't expect to.

My Dad was never "allowed" or encouraged to have his own interests, though Mum belonged to two WI groups.
As a consequence when my Mum died he had no friends as such and was lost and lonely.

Yes we have friends that are widowed. We both belong to many of the same groups but don't always go along together. As with most social groups they consist of 90% women and most of them are either widowed or divorced. Those that have been widowed are often nervous at first but are normally very glad they joined.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sorry JaneJudge only just seen your post. Sometimes you just have to take the bull by the horns don't you. I'm not afraid to say what I think regardless of the outcome. I do have to say that my husband is generally the kindest and most tolerant of men. Just seemed to have this one hang up. All sorted now though and we are really happy.

halfpint1 what happened after the man insisted on staying?

We do things together and apart, I’ve been on holiday with a girlfriend a few times and MrJ visits his family in Ireland on his own sometimes too, he occasionally goes away on a golf weekend. I have no problem going into our local pub, or any other bar/restaurant on my own. Most of my good friends are men, I’ve known them a few years and I share their interests in football, bikes, gardening and cooking.

I'm guessing they meant the type of husband who is either controlling, or simply likes his wife to be 'around' all the time - for whatever reason.

My ex-partner (now late) was like that right from the word 'go'. He wanted me to just 'be there' all the time and, not just be there, but giving him attention regardless. He did grudgingly 'allow' me to visit friends, but spoiled the visits by questioning how long I thought I might be out for. On more than one occasion he came to my friend's house to 'collect' me when he came home early from work (he worked in the early evenings) when I'd taken the opportunity to visit said friend.

When I look back and think what it would have been like in retirement (I had a job, too), I know I would not have been able to tolerate it. We split up because I couldn't stand it. I am now with a man (for the last 33 years) who is quite happy for me to do my own thing - even tho' he's disabled and largely housebound. He's kind, considerate and often encourages me to have friends round, too, and will make tea and bring it out to us in the garden We have widely differing interests but still enjoy being together - even if it's only watching a film or having dinner.
We only have one life and to be controlled and subsumed by someone's selfishness to the point where you hardly exist in your own right is just not acceptable. What does it boil down to? Misogyny, selfishness, lack of confidence? Dunno - but it's intolerable.

I’ve never remarried after being widowed in my early 20’s. The more I hear about women who are in their 70’s like me and have difficult husbands, the more I’m pleased I’m single. !

GoldenAge

As a bereavement therapist I can offer much insight here as I see first hand and on a frequent basis, the perils of couples growing older and not ensuring they have some social life of their own. It's quite heartbreaking to see women (especially) in their 50s who have lost their husbands and who feel completely alone - no children, no family or friendship networks. The phrases "we did everything together" "we didn't need other people" "we were happy enough in each other's company" come out all the time, and unfortunately, so do the feelings of total despair and abject loneliness. It is bad enough to lose one's partner when there are others around to offer support but if life has been insular up to that point it can promote lots of suicidal feelings - so to everyone who is denied social interaction outside of marriage/partnership, please be aware of the need to change your circumstances in some way.

That’s a very good point you made. I’m currently kicking against because my OH has chosen to do a large building project which doesn’t involve me - at this stage anyway. I was so angry that he’d left me to my own devices as we’ve both just retired. It wasn’t what I expected. But - I’m realising it’s what I badly need. I need to be forced to ‘get a life’ as it were. I’ve always hung back and not got involved in things. It’s hard but I’m starting to find my feet now. Could be the best thing that’s happened?! ?

My husband might appear controlling to some, as he does identify activities that he believes are right for me, and then pushes me to try, but if he didn't I'd never go out. He also attends with me sometimes to boost my confidence .

Jackiest I just wonder do you have any friends you socialise with who are widows?

Of my holiday group of four, two of us have been widowed quite young.
Two of us have husbands still, one of them takes us to the airport and one of them picks us up.
It's never been mentioned that they can't come with us, but they wouldn't expect to.

My Dad was never "allowed" or encouraged to have his own interests, though Mum belonged to two WI groups.
As a consequence when my Mum died he had no friends as such and was lost and lonely.

I am me by myself and like my own company. I also enjoy various interest group activities and meeting up with girl friends socially. As part of a couple husband and I have activities we both enjoy together both on our own and socially with other couples.
I enjoy all as the dynamics of the group feel different depending on numbers, mix of genders or not.

When my sons friend moved nearby my dil invited his wife for lunch in town.Her husband drove her to the restaurant, parked nearby and waited for her.

I joined a class to help improve my French (here in France) it was a female only class to help the Muslim
Ladies,as previously they had remained absent and had little integration in French life. It was such a laugh . I looked forward to it each week. Someone's husband turned up in the class,he insisted on staying. Th

Some interesting views on this thread. On another tack, some people aren't too keen on their partners talking to the opposite sex. Also I sometimes find that if I bump into a man I know slightly through my husband he either finds it difficult to talk to me personally and can only say things like how Mr k, is he still playing golf etc. As if I only exist in his shadow.

Another time a man I was friendly with from a class, invited me to his wife's works party.I tried to chat to the man I was seated beside and he turned away saying he was with his wife!

I had a girlfriend who was divorced when I first met her, and dating a wealthy man who she moved in with and then married. From being an independent outspoken single woman she moved abroad to be with him and chose the path of becoming a ‘controlled ‘ but spoiled wife because she enjoyed the status and lifestyle of being the wife of a wealthy business man. She lived a pampered existence and allowed him to control her visits to her daughter and when her first grandchild was born premature and diagnosed with a severe medical problem, she phoned me and asked if I would go to the hospital for her to see her daughter and the baby because she ‘couldn’t come’. After a very stressful eighteen months of being in and out the the hospital and my friend coming to visit the young family ‘when she could’ the baby was taken into hospital because she was dying - and again my friend called me and asked me to be there to support them at that heart breaking time.

I chose to gradually pulled away from this friendship because I knew our values weren’t the same - but I have often wondered how, and if, her daughter makes an effort to watch over her now she is well into her 80’s and widowed.

kircubbin2000

So Jackiest say there was a ladies group about something you really wanted to do would you refuse to join it?

Yes I would refuse. Sometimes principals have to come first.

Galaxy

I dont think that would fall under the equality act, do you mean it's all women because everyone who happens to go are women or because men arent permitted? Or is it a private arrangement. Sorry just being nosey

No it is outside of the equality act. We have never sat down and written a set of rules. It is just something that we know and understand between us. I see it as I would not go to anything that my husband could not join me because he is a man and I know that he would do the same. It does not matter if it is a public group or a private thing.

So Jackiest say there was a ladies group about something you really wanted to do would you refuse to join it?

I dont think that would fall under the equality act, do you mean it's all women because everyone who happens to go are women or because men arent permitted? Or is it a private arrangement. Sorry just being nosey

Galaxy

There are also some perfectly legitimate reasons for single sex groups, for example a support group for mens mental health, breastfeeding group etc.

Yes and if either of us needed a group that needed to be single sexed then that would be accepted. But a women only lunch club, no.

As a bereavement therapist I can offer much insight here as I see first hand and on a frequent basis, the perils of couples growing older and not ensuring they have some social life of their own. It's quite heartbreaking to see women (especially) in their 50s who have lost their husbands and who feel completely alone - no children, no family or friendship networks. The phrases "we did everything together" "we didn't need other people" "we were happy enough in each other's company" come out all the time, and unfortunately, so do the feelings of total despair and abject loneliness. It is bad enough to lose one's partner when there are others around to offer support but if life has been insular up to that point it can promote lots of suicidal feelings - so to everyone who is denied social interaction outside of marriage/partnership, please be aware of the need to change your circumstances in some way.