Multigenerational home

Sorry, but anyone that would allow a young child to walk on scaffolding above ground floor level has got rocks in his head!
How is she going to differentiate in future when the scaffolding is gone, that it is not ok to climb out of the bedroom window ? She'll be half way out with a "Daddy let me do it last time"!
Is his next step going to be to tell her that it's absolutely fine to walk down the middle of a motorway ??
I think that you need to speak to DD and explain that it is your house, your rules . If she is unhappy with that, they need to find a place of their own and forgo the cheap living expenses and free childcare. Her OH needs to respect your opinion . I would also see about getting safety locks on your windows too - that you keep the key to!

Your house so ask the contractor to make sure access via the window other than to him/her self impossible

Well said Chewbacca. I would have risked an argument but stood my ground. Your house, your rules whether their feet are firmly under the table or not.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Time for them to find a place of their own. They clearly don't respect you and their daughter is being brought up to disrespect you too.

You are the householder and have a duty of care to the children under your roof.

You have also a legal duty to ensure that those living under your roof obey the law, at any rate those who are under the age of majority.

Anyone, whether your partner, your daughter or her boyfriend who tells you you overracted is barking mad.
I gathered from your daughter's reaction that her boyfriend becomes unpleasant if she contradicts him - why else would a sane mother allow a child to do something so potentially dangerous.

Check quietly with the builder whether it is, or is not legal for others than the men working on the scaffolding to go onto it.

If, as many of us assume, it is not in order, I would in your place tell your daughter and her boyfriend when they are together, but the children are not present, that whether they like it or not, you were right, and that you have a duty of care to the children living in your house, which gives you the right to insist that they obey you when you tell them something is dangerous?

I would add that if your daughter and her partner are not prepared to follow your rules in your house, they are free to leave and that any incident of this magnitude in the futuret will result in your telling them to do so within six weeks.

Sounds like they have their feet firmly under the table at your place. I'd see they've been there long enough now -time for them to move on. Can I ask why the whole family is living with you and they're not paying anything at all? They could afford a second child, so why not a flat/house of their own?

When a neighbour allowed their child on the roof (in a safety harness), their immediate neighbours alerted the police and we ended up with all 3 emergency services, so seriously did they take it. And the father was locked up overnight! I think good points have been made - compromises do have to be made if you are all to live together harmoniously but I don’t think you should compromise safety. It’s your home and your rules apply and this shouldn’t be a source of tension or stress. You don’t really mention your husband, other than to say that he thought you were overreacting. I would recommend nipping this in the bud and having a family discussion. Your daughter and SiL need to respect your home. If you love having them, tell them that - but reiterate that it’s your home and if they were visiting they surely wouldn’t have allowed their daughter to climb on your scaffolding? Or to undermine you if you provide (free) childcare. If they have their own home, they get to choose their own rules over such matters, but not in yours. It also sounds like a chat about longer term plans is in order. Would you be happy for them to stay forever? It’s not for me to judge, but they are adults and yet are reliant on parents. I don’t think this is healthy for your relationship or sets a good example to their children. I suspect most of us have had to make our own way in life - that’s part of being an adult. My husband and I had a debate whether we should charge our adult son rent when he returned from university. We don’t need the money, but we wanted to instil discipline around managing finances etc. In the end we compromised and agreed he wouldn’t pay us rent but must save for the future - keeping the responsibility with him. I suspect this incident has surfaced issues that you’ve been putting up with but have accumulated over time. And if what started out as a temporary arrangement has slowly morphed into a more permanent one, a frank and open conversation might be uncomfortable but much better for all concerned in the long term. You sound like a loving, caring grandmother but you deserve respect, especially in your own home.

Good grief. Even though the sil is an adult I'd have resorted to the my house my rules!!

Time to discuss with them that it's time to move on. If they both work and don't pay any rent you are being taken advantage of here, and the disrespect from the sil is jist not acceptable.

OP, what was your SIL doing out on the scaffolding ?

the windows need to be restricted opening anyway, above ground level, where young children are living.

So that link clearly says that the contractor should make possible entry points safe, to prevent unauthorised access.

You could bring it to their attention that the child's access via the window (and anywhere else) should be blocked.

Firstly, it must be a great relief to you that your dgd was not injured. Your SIL was undoubted being ridiculous and reckless. Young folk don’t always see the dangers that stare them in the face even where their own offspring are concerned. I’d talk to both of them and remind them that you can’t be responsible for any such recklessness and therefore must insist that it becomes a hard rule, that adults don’t over rule each other in front of small people.
Living in a multigenerational household is not easy, there are so many compromises that must be made on all sides, but safety isn’t one of them.
The part of your op that gives me concern above the dangerous aspect is that your dgd has learned to control all the adults and shows it by gloating.
I’ve had to have words with one of my dad’s along the lines of “rule 1 mummy and daddy are boss rule 2 I come a very very close second, rule 3 she is never the boss” I won’t stand for cheek, frankly for a busy household to work every member needs to accept that and work towards supporting every other member to making it so.
try not to let the stress of it overwhelm you

Good advice*eazybee*. I will certainly do that.

Do you have window locks?
This child, having been encouraged by her parents to crawl out onto the scaffolding, will attempt to do it herself, when there are no adults around.
Lock the windows and confiscate all the keys. Do not release them until the scaffolding has been removed.

What idiots! You could have reported them to the NSPCC and social services. I would have done. Your gd’s safety is paramount.

V3ra

Liveinnan I'd be reeling as well. What irresponsible parents to that four year old child.
And as for your partner's reaction, well if a child is at risk you are not overreacting and it most certainly is your business.
Good grief ?

Have the paretns of this child ensured that she cannot repeat this stunt when they're not there to enable her? If not and there's an accident they'll be blaming you and wanting to claim from your insurance.
Time for them to go.

It is clearly time for them to make a home of their own in their own property- I suspect that they won't have saved at all. However in my view once you have been disregarded in this way in your own home there is no going back. Be careful that they do not try to take over your home and sideline you.
Your partner's views are interesting if completely unhelpful. ?

This is horrifying. You seem to be the only sane person in the house. I’m sure you’ve heard of occupier’s liability. You have a legal duty to ensure that people visiting your property - which includes your temporary ‘lodgers’ - are safe there, so far as reasonably possible. If the child had suffered an accident civil, and indeed criminal had the accident been fatal, liability could have fallen on your shoulders if you had permitted or assisted in this recklessness. Your house, your rules. Hope they can soon get a place of their own. It beggars belief that anyone could think this kind of behaviour should be encouraged.

I'm finding this hard to fathom. Most sensible adults would call the police if they saw a child being put in danger - wouldn't they?

Hi Liveinnan
I too find it incredible that parents would allow/enable their child to take such a risk just to appease the little one. It should have been explained to her that it was very dangerous, as you tried to do, and a complete NO, NO. She would have had her tantrum and gotten over it in a short time by distracting her with something else.
Now she has learned that she can get her own way by causing a fuss, this could be a difficult lesson to unlearn.
I sympathise with you, you tried your best and got no support, even from your partner. I'm afraid I'd be sitting down with my family having a serious conversation as to how to move forward.
While in your home they must respect your rules, especially when it involves the welfare of small children.
Good luck and hope things improve for you. It sounds like they need their own place.

why was SIL out on the scaffolding.
you didn't mention that before, so was he working from it, was he supervising the child on it.
still not right.
i meant you could ring nspcc to share your concerns, get advice.
not report them. you don't have to give identifying details.
you are at risk of being cuckooed in your own house.
it's time for them to move out.
what was the plan. what incentive do they have to move out.

Welbeck
In answer to your questions. They don’t pay rent as I hoped by not doing so they would be able to save to provide for themselves in the future. They pay a contribution to the utility bills. My DGD had to wait for her mother to come home because I had refused to assist from inside the bedroom. My SIL was outside on the scaffolding and needed help getting my GD out of the window from the inside. Maybe a call to nspcc would be in order. Imagine the family breakdown that would occur if I did that though.

you have let them get the upper hand in your house.
why do they pay no rent.
they should move out. these conflicts will get worse.
by the way why did the child have to wait for her mother to come home; why didn't her father help her out the window.
just wondering.
but of course it all sounds batty, nay hazardous in the extreme.
you could ring nspcc advice line.

While I typically say you do not override a parents decisions, this is a HUGE safety concern. You are well within your right to not allow it on your watch. If it were me, I would have told daughter and SIL that they can take care of this when they are home.

Grannyactivist and chewbacca are correct, this could cause the contractor to lose his license, but more importantly, it could have cause your gd serious harm.