When my DD became pregnant I invited her and her BF to share my home with their baby. They accepted as they were not in a position to buy or rent a place of their own. They have since had a second child. Luckily my house is big enough for the two little girls to each have a bedroom of their own. Not only does my DD have rent free accommodation but free childcare when she is at work. We all get along reasonably well but an incident today has upset me. In order to have solar panels installed some scaffolding was erected to enable the panels to be fixed to our roof in a few days time. My 4 year old DGD decided she wanted to get out of her bedroom window on the first floor and walk on the scaffolding which is above my glass conservatory. I told her no she could not as it would be dangerous. She reacted with lots of tears. Her dad said it was ok but needed my help to get her through the window. I refused and he told my DGD that she’d have to wait until her mother gets home from work. When my DD returned I told her I thought it wrong to allow the child to climb out of her window onto the scaffolding as it could injure her if it all went wrong and she could fall through the glass roof of my conservatory. Her reaction was that she was going to allow it as herBF had made his mind up that it was going to happen, presumably to appease my DGD, who had made such a scene at not getting her own way. Well she walked on the scaffolding and thankfully there was no terrible accident, but afterwards she came up to me gloating that she had done it. I found the whole thing upsetting to think that as parents they were willing to take that risk with their daughter and also with my property. I’d be interested to hear others opinion.
Wow you are amazing to do all you do for them! Definitely your house your rules!
They shouldn’t have decided to have another child until able to support themselves either!
I would talk to them all and point out how they have upset you and that now keeping a four year old in line will be much harder.
Unbelievably dangerous actions on their half too!
I would also like to add that many years go, a caretaker at a school I was working at had the tragic experience of having to cope with his son’s death. Unbeknown to him, his eight year old son had been playing on scaffolding on the school building at the time and had fallen onto the playground tarmac.
It resulted in the caretaker deciding to have an operation to reverse his vasectomy so that he and his wife could try for another baby, and they were successful.
I sincerely hope, Liveinnan, that this experience of your daughter and her partner undermining your authority in your own home will lead to a better way of going forward for all of you from now on.
Rosina I don’t want to sidetrack the thread, but I work with homeless and other people with particular vulnerabilities and the question, ‘What would the Coroner say?’ is one that guides many of my own actions when I’m dealing with difficult situations. ?
Never easy/advisable to have multigenerational homes, not for long anyway. The sooner they have their own place the better.
your house your rules
The journalist Katherine Whitehorn commented once that if she had doubts about letting her children do any particular activity, she would ask herself 'What would the Coroner say?' One can only imagine what he or she might say on dealing with the potential result of this particular activity.
Is this for real !? If it is Liveinn it is time you told your daughter and her family to move out ! Your GDs parents are irresponsible and social services would be very interested indeed. Who in their right mind would allow a four year old to do this - absolute madness!!!! You know this is wrong , protect your GC. If there was an accident on your property you would be filled with remorse. Your house your rules ! A four year old child has no concept of danger and she will be feeling very smug that her desire has been fulfilled! Can't blame the child , but do blame the parents . this is absolutely NOT RIGHT. If they are sufficiently irresponsible to allow this to happen they should do it on their own premises, not yours . Stand your ground !!! If they stay with you rent free the very least they can do is accept your rules. Put your big girl knickers on and stand up for yourself.
I can see the newspaper headlines!
It’s atrocious parenting and a safeguarding issue.
My DD is trying to establish her own business from scratch and now I feel that I’ll give her a year to get it started then they will need to move on.
Tell her that now.
Also tell them how illegal, as well as dangerous, it was to let the child go out on the scaffolding.
And that you won't give in on safety on another occasion.
Have you locked the window?
I was ? to read this!
High time to tell them, your house, your rules, OP.
If they don’t like it, they are of course free to find somewhere else to live.
If you’re providing free childcare as well as housing, I must say it strikes me that they’re taking the p**s.
Not sure I’d give her a year more like six months!
Thank you to everyone who has posted. I feel so reassured by your comments that I wasn’t the “baddie” in the whole dreadful experience. A lot of what you have said has made so much sense. My DD is trying to establish her own business from scratch and now I feel that I’ll give her a year to get it started then they will need to move on. My generosity will not be taken for granted indefinitely. By the way this has been my first post. I just needed to offload to someone. Thank you.
They must be irresponsible and completely lacking in imagination. If this is what they will allow, it is likely the child will not live to adulthood - and as for the gloating, I would have let her have it with both barrels and told her she was selfish and stupid. I would also tell your DD that it was time for her to move out - if they can't afford to rent privately then she must tell the local housing authority that she can no longer live with you, and get suitably subsidised premises. Enough is enough.
I would have stood infront of the window and told them no way was a child going out there. I would have rang police if they had still done it on a 999 call.
Now it's happened I would give them a months notice to get out.
And take legal advice on evicting them. No way would a child over rule me in my home. Or live rent free. Stand up for yourself OP. They are taking advantage of you.
Do you have any other adult children? Or a reliable relative or friend? If you are going to ask your daughter and her family to find alternative accommodation, which I hope that you are, you may need some support.
Possibly speak to Age Concern too? Just in case your s-i-l turns nasty. Good luck!
Maybe it's good that this has come to a head. It must have been simmering for some time if you are the only disciplinarian in the team.
If you don't make a stand now soon they will take over completely and be expecting you to find another place to live and you might want to
On the safety issue: Next door to us renovations are ongoing on a public building. When the scaffolding first went up, teenagers were climbing all over it like monkeys. I shouted to them and got cheek. When I told the contractors they barricaded the building and told me to call the police if I ever saw them up there again. These kids were aged 12 - 15. I cannot believe a 4 yr old would be up there.
Rent free to a family with kids. even if you want them to save etc, is not a good foundation. Something happens to the dynamics with the intergenerational thing and you as the "elder" are forced into a position of authority while they "the younger ones" regress and become like naughty teenagers.
I know, I have been there.
Regarding the boyfriend. There's no accounting for folk.
There are three responses from the op
It is, as you indicate, not just about what happened, but what might have happened as well as what might happen if she does it again during the night now her parents have made it 'acceptable' for example. We were sitting in our front room when I noticed a small figure in a yellow sleep suit scuttling past our window at about 8pm at night. This was our son who'd managed to get out of his cot, down the stairs and out of the front door. Thank goodness the curtains were open or goodness knows what might have happened if we hadn't seen him!
Explain your rules for the house- if you say no-one you mean NO. Stop letting them walk all over you. Also, start charging rent, if they are adult enough to have 2 children they are old enough to realise they need to contribute towards their family's accommodation.
No response from the OP.
Ok for one my kids would not be living in my house for free. My lads as soon has their started working there paid board money. They need to leave nothing in life is free. Also I’d be very concerned if they allowing the child to climb out window, you don’t mention if there are on drugs because I don’t think anyone in a normal frame of mind would do that.
eazybee
Do you have window locks?
This child, having been encouraged by her parents to crawl out onto the scaffolding, will attempt to do it herself, when there are no adults around.
Lock the windows and confiscate all the keys. Do not release them until the scaffolding has been removed.
That is exactly what I was going to suggest. Why on earth would parents want to put their child in such danger? I would say it is time to re-think your living arrangements or draw up some ground rules which they must agree to if they want to continue taking advantage of your good nature because that is what they are doing.
Cheeky of them to have a second child before finding their own accommodation. That BF needs to man up and he certainly shouldn’t be dictating as to what is and is not allowed in YOUR house!
Agree with other posters that maniacal to allow the four year old on the scaffolding and above a conservatory too!! You’re lucky Soc Services haven’t paid a visit ……… time for them to move on and out I’d say. Does the BF dictate any other aspects of your lives? Btw he shouldn’t have been on the scaffolding either. As to your partner thinking you’re overreacting, words fail me, of course you can override the BF when it comes to your home, your insurance policy, your public liability etc!
Sounds like the seat of power in your house has shifted....you have made this young family too comfortable! It might be just one incident that upsets you now but as you age and your resident family get settled and convinced this ultra comfortable and very generous living arrangement is their absolute right, you will be over ruled and marginalized far more frequently.
I agree with so many who have commented - act now and reclaim your own home whilst you can - they need to live independently and - if they are both working - can well afford to do so.
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join the discussion, watch threads and lots more.
Register now »Already registered? Log in with:
Gransnet »Get our top conversations, latest advice, fantastic competitions, and more, straight to your inbox. Sign up to our daily newsletter here.
