A detective story (wih as many as we can manage)

"Guv, there's one of those investigative journalists over there!" said a beaming plump face in a peaked cap.

"Tell him to clear off, pronto, Fancy, we don't want them round here" barked Barlow. But there was a little white dog yapping round his heels and in the distance he saw a spiky haired boy yelling "Snowy . . .

"Thought you went into politics or something," mumbled Rebus through his second scone."Is that Lewis?" A car had squealed to a halt its siren blazing and a fat man got out placing a battered trilby on his head. "I'm Barlow." he said "what the hell's going on here. Had reports a lady policewoman has been kidnapped"

He didn’t have to wonder for long. On the horizon there appeared James Hathaway, frantically paddling a pedalo.
“Ahoy there!” he shouted. “Completed my walk to Santiago de Compostela at last but got lost in this thing afterwards. Have you seen Lewis and Laura?”

"Leave him alone!" snarled Rebus, who plonked himself down besides Father Brown and gratefully accepted a scone. He'd sized up Amy and decided she wasn't his type. He started chatting to the priest, about his own beliefs, never quite sure, and wondered who else could appear out of the sea.

"Can we be of assistance?" asked Father Brown who was picnicking on the beach with Mrs McCarthy and her scones.
"Bloody amateurs" growled Gene "On yer bike, Grandad"

"That sounds filthy" Gene Hunt had reappeared, "Do you think she'd do one for me?"
But before anyone could answer, out of the waves a figure in a diving suit came staggering up the beach. When the helmet was removed a woman's head appeared. "DCI Amy Silva," she gasped "from the submarine Vigil"..

Ooh, are you the one with those lovely winter woolies?
I'd love the pattern if you could spare it.
Saga raised her eyes heavenwards and muttered under her breath. Smiling sweetly, she informed her that that was Sarah Lund, and that she was coming when she had finished her raglan sleeve shaping.

Kurt blushed and said "We're on the run from the Malmo bigwigs. They don't like us fraternising off duty. We met at a national police conference as you do!"

Hetty came along and said . . .

"What the hell does that mean?" asked Rebus. Wallander fished a bottle out of the. dinghy took a swig and passed it to Rebus. "Ive given up," said Rebus as he raised it to his lips. "Me too," agreed Wallander.
Just then there was a noise from under a tarpaulin in the dinghy and a blonde girl crawled out. "Saga Noren" she said and

she saw a man in a dingy draw up, looking the worse for wear . "Can you tell me where I am. I fell asleep and completely drifted across the North Sea. I'm a man called Kurt Wallander from Sweden and was on the trail of an international drug crew." Siobhan nudged Rebus and said "There's your Swedish doppelganger".

along came Cassie Stewart with sidekick Sunny.
‘What’s this about Charlie?’ she asked. ‘Have you formally identified the body? Sunny, secure the scene and get the forensics people here.’ No sooner had she issued her instructions than ...

Bergerac comes in.
‘Jim’ cried Ventress ‘ knew you’d get here eventually!
‘Any chance of a ham sandwich and a coffee’ Bergerac approached the tearoom counter hopefully, ‘am here to investigate the murder of my Ex Father in Law, Charlie, he’s just washed up on the beach....and oddly enough he changed his will just last week leaving everything to me!’
Miss Marple gave him an old fashioned look and...

cakes into custody, said Ventress. Mrs. Ventress never makes them like that. Just all these hard boiled eggs, which are doing dreadful things to me regularity. I’m just putting me feet up for a while until Sergeant Blaketon gets here, wake me up if ...

Oh no you’re not, zees eeze not a bloody pantomime said Jon Baptiste as all the women in the tearoom swooned, and a few of the men.
I must take your..

Right behind you?

They nearly ran slap bang into a yellow school bus, an American one. It was being driven by a frightened, elderly woman who was being held at gunpoint by a mad serial killer. The schoolchildren were petrified, but were being forced to sing ‘The wheels on the bus’ by the mad gunman. As they rounded a bend, a tall, lean, hunky man was standing on a bridge looking down at them.
It was Dirty Harry Callahan! Thank goodness!

“Come on punk, make my day!’ he shouted, as he drew his Magnum 45 (the gun, not the ice cream)…..

I’m

Hetty Wainthrop was there. She stood for a moment wondering what to do when a red Mk 2 Jaguar drew up beside her.
"Get in," said the man
Hetty adjusted her hat. "I've no idea who you are," she said.
"I'm Morse. Now get in"
Hetty got in "But I thought he was Morse."
He's Endeavor. Bloody stupid name. I'm Morse" And he roared off after the others. But as they raced around a bend..

‘No time to be thinking of the whisky...zut alors!’ Poirot pointed at the line of cars waiting.. ‘we must ‘urry to catch up with the van that carried away Madame Vera!’
So, leaving Miss Marple to investigate the tea room murder (her speciality) they all piled into the vehicles.Gene Hunt and Kojak in the front of the Quattro, with Kate and Agatha in the back, Jack Regan and George Carter in the front of the Cortina
With Morse and Montalbano in the back with Taggart squashed in between them.
Poirot and Hastings ran to the sleek open top sports car, and the rest of them piled into waiting taxis, and all went hell for leather down the coast road with Holmes and Watson following on in a hansom cab, whipping the horses like mad.
Unfortunately, in their haste they had clean forgotten that....

“Lord Peter, to you,” said Wimsey, alighting from his Daimler. “Bunter, fingerprints all round, and photographs of all the evidence.”

but as she reached out to take it an elderly woman steped forward and gave her a packet of tissue. "You don't want to be bothering wi' mucky things like that luv. Now the Yorkshire team's 'ere to sort things out. Hetty Wainthrop's the name. We heard there'd been a bit bother and Northern detectives were disappearing."
"Ay," the fat man beside her leered at Agatha. "Mind some things look well sorted. Now we'll round this lot up and I've a room booked and a nice single malt ready at the nearest 5star, where I'll be givin you two the benefit of my Yorkshire compassionate policing." He waved at Chris and Mary Beth and placed an arm round each of them "Dalziel is the name." " Peter!" he yelled "Get this lot sorted"

Agatha started wheezing a bit, her asthma you know, but then Colombo bowled over by her looks stepped forward and pulled a huge hankie from his pocket and "Here Ma'am, have this. . . . .

A sleek black care drew up and stiletto heeled quite chunky pair of legs emerged. Asthma Raisin they shouted 'we don't need you. 'Ah but you do need who I'm currently dating' she said as Zen emerged from other a deal of the car the men and women breather a sigh of appreciation for the beauty of his sharply tailored Brioni suit.

“Aye I’ve bloody seen the wee scrote….he’s in the Caledonian pacing about with his French accent and knocking my
Pint over” slurred Rebus.

Meanwhile an admiring group was forming round Precious. Elbowing Gene aside, Maigret breathed "Ah, ma cherie..." and fondled his trusty pipe.

Jane, drunk but still capable, had mysteries to solve. "Send for Scooby Doo" she barked.