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(23 Posts)
Michel1957 Thu 07-Oct-21 12:23:33

I married by 2nd husband almost 5 yrs after getting with him....I was a youngish widow (49) wen we got together & my daughter was 20, wen she was 21 she had a daughter and over the next 12 yrs she had 2 further husband refuses to acknowledge them as his grandchildren even though they are the only grandad they have known and call him grandad......basically I am getting rather fed up with him....we have been married 10yrs and been together 15yrs.

Thoughts please

Elizabeth27 Thu 07-Oct-21 12:33:34

The point I pick up on is that you are fed up with him.

The grandparent problem has been going on for 12 years so I do not think that is your main grievance.

When you don’t love somebody anymore everything they do becomes an issue, even the way they eat, sleep and breathe, is this the case here?

Michel1957 Thu 07-Oct-21 12:38:41

I do love him I just wish he would acknowledge 'our grandchildren'. My daughter and her children and I are very close but I often wonder if my husband is a tad jealous of how close we are as he doesnt have a close relationship with his unmarried, childless 28yr old son who he doesnt see veryoften

Germanshepherdsmum Thu 07-Oct-21 12:39:16

Well they’re not his grandchildren really are they? I don’t consider my husband’s grandchild by his former wife, born after we were married, to be my grandchildren. I make all the right noises of course but my husband knows my true feelings and is fine with it. Also OP, some people just don’t like children!

Germanshepherdsmum Thu 07-Oct-21 12:40:24

Sorry, my husband’s grandchildren...

MissAdventure Thu 07-Oct-21 12:41:11

He sounds a miserable old sod to me.
I'm sure you must know in your heart if he is jealous (I'm guessing he is)
There is no better way to get at someone than by treating their children badly.

nanna8 Thu 07-Oct-21 12:41:38

Maybe he is just one of those types that doesn’t particularly like children . No doubt when and if his son has children he will change.

Michel1957 Thu 07-Oct-21 12:44:12

He actually loves all 3 children he just wont acknowledge them as 'his grandchildren'...he says his wife has 3 grandchildren

MissAdventure Thu 07-Oct-21 12:47:48

I don't like children at all.
Other peoples' leave me cold, frankly.
I know full well I would be more charitable though, if I was nan by proxy.
It's hardly difficult.

62Granny Thu 07-Oct-21 12:48:10

Perhaps he isn't one of those people who like children, you said your self he doesn't have a relationship with his own child, is he unkind to your grandchildren and daughter or just not interested? Ask him what he feels about them . Is he happy for you to have a separate relationship without him with them ? But do you want him to join in with days out etc. If this hasn't happened yet I think you can say that ship has sailed . I think once you accept this your resentment towards him will possibly go . Perhaps ask him if he wants to participate in just one or two things a year and leave it at that.

Grandmabatty Thu 07-Oct-21 12:49:15

He's correct of course. They are not his grandchildren, they are yours. You say he loves them, so what's the issue? If this is the only problem you have with him, is it the one to break a relationship over? Or is it the last straw?

Westcoaster Thu 07-Oct-21 12:50:40

When I met DH our kids were already 23, 21 and 18 so no real chance for blending.
However, on the arrival of the first grandchild (from my DD) he became completely besotted and they were always very close. More DGC came along and were loved of course, but nothing could come close to the bond between DGC1 and DH.
Again, he was the only grandad and I think it was what he was most proud of in his life!
He wasn't a step-grandad in his mind, all the DGC were "our" grandkids.

I find your DH's attitude very strange. Does he have his own kids and grandkids?? How are they treated if so?

Smileless2012 Thu 07-Oct-21 12:54:15

As long as he isn't behaving unkindly to the children does it really matter? I mean when they call him grand dad, does he say 'I'm not your grand dad'?

Bibbity Thu 07-Oct-21 12:56:01

If he treats them well and is otherwise kind I think you are being pedantic.
They are not his grandchildren he is being factually correct.

Why does the phrase upset you so much?
If his actions show him to be a good man in their lives then I would love that more.

sodapop Thu 07-Oct-21 13:28:04

Absolutely agree Bibbity I think maybe this is not your main problem Michel.

Madgran77 Thu 07-Oct-21 14:12:53

Is he quite a "pedantic/logical/precise/ stickler for accuracy sort of man? If so then that is what he is doing in this specific scenario as well

Michel1957 Thu 07-Oct-21 14:29:45

Yes he is a stickler for accuracy everything is either black or white with no grey allowed lol

MissAdventure Thu 07-Oct-21 14:31:50

Well, perhaps he just needs to make the distinction that they are your grandchildren, factually.
Is that so bad? Is that your only issue, as a couple?

Madgran77 Thu 07-Oct-21 15:12:03

Yes he is a stickler for accuracy everything is either black or white with no grey allowed lol

So I think that's the cause, not unkindness or detachment, and I think it's best to just "Let it Go" a la the Frozen song! smile

Beswitched Thu 07-Oct-21 15:58:53

If he loves them, engages with them and is happy for them to call him grandad, then I wouldn't have a problem with him not wanting to describe them in a way that is factually incorrect. That's obviously just his way.
I'm sure there are many loving step dads who still draw that distinction when talking about their step children.

ginny Thu 07-Oct-21 16:53:46

The fact is that they are not his Grandchildren. As long as he treats them well I don’t see the problem.

CafeAuLait Thu 07-Oct-21 22:40:33

Does he accept them calling him grandad? As long as he's not pushing them off and is kind to them, I'm not sure why this is a big issues.

You got together with your husband when your daughter was pretty grown and not really in need of a stepfather. He probably doesn't consider their children his grandchildren then, and they aren't.

Does he allow himself to be a grandfather figure to the children? Are there other issues in the relationship you are unhappy about that would still be an issue if this wasn't?

CanadianGran Thu 07-Oct-21 22:58:54

I wouldn't get so hung up on titles. My mother re-married after I had left home and moved away. I always called him 'my mother's husband' when explaining a relationship, because I felt step-father didn't really represent our relationship.

If the kids call him grampa, and he allows that and is affectionate with them, then that would be good enough for me.