Women mourn, men replace

My dad didn't remarry after my mother passed away. She was ill for a long time, he was a caregiver for a long time. Personally I can't imagine remarrying. It's a second marriage for both of us. My husband has a lot of health issues now. I don't look at either of us as a real bargain for anyone.

My German friend’s daughter wrote to me saying that her mother was suffering from dementia was now in a home and her father was seeing a lady because he was lonely. It makes me sad because in their long marriage she looked after his every whim.
My SIL was furious with his father when he went off on holiday with a lady three months after his mother died of cancer.

My husband is ten years younger than me and definitely does not need someone to ‘look after’ him - he’s perfectly capable of looking after himself! I hope that he will marry again if I die first and I have warned my children that I will come back and haunt them if they put any barriers in the way of him doing so. To be honest I think it’s highly unlikely that he will want to, but I know he would want our children’s blessing if it came to it.

He’s an absolutely wonderful man and our relationship is so even-handed and complementary that I just don’t think anyone else could ‘match’ with me so well. The prospect of him dying before me leaves me thinking that without him I’d always feel incomplete. I am truly thankful that in a world of so many billions of people we somehow found each other, and while I’m not sure if I believe in a ‘soul mate’ I simply cannot imagine sharing my life with any other man.

*10 years

My husband was widowed 11 years before marrying me - he said he’d waited 20 years for me! I’d been a widow a year. He has three adult children. I had four children. My son in law is still mourning losing his wife 5 years on, and bringing up 2 children, then 6 & 4. My daughter also had two older children, then 14 & 17. Maybe we’re not typical in my family.. ??‍♀️

Yes I agree with your question pollytickle! It’s like when you hear the statement men are more likely to go off and have an affair, so who are they having an affair with ?

Rosina

My cousin had been married for well over forty years when his wife became ill and died soon after. We spoke on the phone; he sounded aggrieved rather than grieving, and announced 'I relied on her - I don't know how to work the washing machine'. Perhaps that sums it up!

This is a normal part of the grieving process. After my husband died, for a while I floundered with most of the day to day DIY stuff he took care of around the house. I remember struggling with a kitchen shelf that had come adrift and breaking down in frustrated tears. The tears weren’t really because of the shelf, they were because I missed him terribly - to me, this man was expressing the same thing. You have to have been there to understand.

Basically, men are just little boys.
And they need looking after. I guess.

My grandmother was widowed aged 44. She always said it was unthinkable that she would marry again as she wanted no one but my grandad. She died on the same date as he did 38 years later.

Her brothers wife died quite young and he was remarried within a year or so. Grandmother was very upset about it as she was so close to her sister in law.

I'm divorced and have been for years. My ex wasn't the worst, he wasn't the best. It didn't work out for us but he was the only man I've wanted and I've never considered another.

My mother died young at 56 dad then advertised for a lady within 4 months we were all upset but understood he needed a woman then went on to marry again for 25 years. My sister lost her husband age 60 again she did internet dating looking for a husband found one and were together 9 years. I personally have been married 42 years and would definitely not remarry or need another man.

A friend of mine had bowel cancer in 1994. Her husband had been in the forces for 30 years and the husband of a couple that were friends with died just after they both left the army. This couple had emigrated to Oz and had been there only a short time when the woman lost her husband. She stayed in contact with my friend and visited a few times. When my friend became ill, the woman in Oz came over and stayed to nurse her until she died ( she was a nurse before). 6 months later my friends husband had sold up, married the woman and gone to Oz. Never heard from him again

Goodness, as I’ve read more posts I’m amazed at the generalisations and stereotyping written by some.

Here, here. Some very sweeping generalisations about what women and men do without any research to back it up. My husband jokes about a Thai bride when I'm gone but we both agree that neither of us can imagine ourselves in a relationship with anyone else. Both of us agree that it would be nice to have someone accompany us to social events but only if they go home afterwards!

PollyTickle

I was about to say something similar Aveline.
Another thought, if men are quickly remarrying and women are not, who are the women they are marrying?

I don't know any more than you do, but I would hazard a guess that the women who these widowers marry are either widows or divorcées of long standing, who are tired of being alone.

They could, of course, at least some of them could be women who for one reason or another had not married earlier in life and now felt ready to take the plunge.

It may well be that many of the relationships formed after the death of a spouse are more a matter of companionship than romance.

Widowers in their seventies and eighties probably no little or nothing about some or all of the tasks traditionally assigned to women, but if we are to be honest, do we women of the same ages necessarily know very much about the household repairs that have traditionally be a man's contribution to the household work?

Well said GrauntyHelen

Oh my seldom have I seen such a judgemental clichéd stereotyping thread Some men remarry quickly so do some women Some men mourn forever so do some women Some men and women seek a new sexual partner some don't AND for the record a second wife is entitled to inherit just as a first wife is!

I think that especially when a couple have been married for a long time, men look for companionship rather than the big romance!
Maybe it underlines the state of the marriage before the death? Either they want to replicate the "togetherness" if they had a good marriage or wipe the slate clean if it wasn't that brilliant!
Men basically struggle to cope on their own after their wife's death - I know that my father certainly did, as many men do not have the same social structure and support that women seem to find easy to form.

I'll just leave this here ... Venus and Mars!!!

Maturefloosy, that is lovely to hear & so please for you to have found someone to enjoy & share life with

I think a lot of women have other interests that keep them occupied. And they will meet up with girlfriends more regularly for lunch or dinner. Most men I know don't have much by way of hobbies or interests. And men dont tend to dine out with male friends. So I think men maybe miss the companionship more.

My husband died at 57 and I was 54. I will never want another man , they’re too much trouble .
On the other hand my DDIL lost her mum a few years ago and within one month her dad met another woman on holiday in Spain . They have been living together for quite a while now .

Yes I am sure there are generalisations from some people but the actual premise that men remarry more than women seems to be true.

A lot of very judgemental posts on here. In short, if you haven’t lost a life partner, you have no idea of the grief that’s involved and the soul searching that goes on when you’re faced with the possibility of another relationship. To an outsider it may look as though people are ‘jumping into a new relationship’ but in reality that’s hardly ever the case. Grief is exhausting, and for a long time you can’t get your head above the parapet to look around you. When you do, you gradually realise that life does go on and that there are alternatives to spending the rest of your life alone. For some, that happens sooner rather than later. I’m a woman, and met a new man less than 12 months after my husband of 40+ years passed away - so the sweeping generalisations that men ‘replace’ doesn’t really hold up. The friends I lost as a result seemed to think it was perfectly acceptable to expect me to spend the rest of my life alone and made their continuing friendship impossible by refusing to accept us as a couple. If you’re on the outside looking in, you very rarely see everything that’s going on - even if it did, it still doesn’t give you the right to judge.

When my husband of 40+ years died, I thought I would spend the rest of my life alone - I was in my late 50’s when he passed away. I met the man who is now my husband less than a year later. He was a widower and had lost his wife a few years before. It was a chance meeting and we both felt there was a connection there, but I was grieving and very far from ready for a new relationship. We became friends and he gave me a lot of support, both emotional and practical, and helped me through the most difficult time of my life. I lost a couple of friends when we got together - they were horrified that I could even consider being with someone else and made it clear they didn’t want anything to do with us as a couple. I don’t think anyone has the right to sit in judgement - grief is personal and everyone handles it differently. I never imagined I could be happy again - I thought my life was over when my husband died. But I came to realise that given time, you can be happy again, although for me, it’s a different kind of happiness and I don’t think I have the words to describe what I mean - those of you who have been through something similar will no doubt understand.

My mother always said she didn’t want to be the servant for another man. No more taking care of a man for her. Financial independence was the key. Many men look for a care giver. But to be fair, some people try to find the happiness and life they had. It’s a compliment to the first wife, really!

One of my oldest friends died a couple years ago after nearly 50 years of marriage. Within a year her husband had moved a lady friend into his home. In fact she was someone we had all known since we were at college so it wasn't as if he'd just picked anyone.

I had friends who got divorced years ago. The husband married again within months, the wife never did. Another friend who was divorced met up with an old boyfriend from her teenage years and has been living with him for 20 years. They have now decided to get married. We're all hoping she isn't rushing into it