Women mourn, men replace

Or not

I think men are more lonely than women because they don’t have the kind of friendships we do.

B9exchange

It's true, I work with counsellors at the local Hospice, and they tell me that the majority of men can't cope without a woman in their lives and rush into relationships within months. Women prefer to work out their grief on their own.

Are said counsellors female?

If so, professional or or , there is possible bias in their views.

I have just remarried, 5 1/2 years after being widowed. My first husband had major health issues for about 15 years before he died and I didn't really enjoy the last third of my marriage term. However after the death I found that I didn't like being on my own and after a couple of years tried internet dating which (eventually!) yielded my new man - who is Mr Fitness personified.

I have no doubt at all that, if the positions had been reversed, my first husband would have replaced me within weeks!

My father remarried within 18 months of my mother dying, and then again less than two years after his second wife died. I don't doubt that he mourned both, but he hated being alone. The third marriage was a disaster and wound being annulled.

My grandfather remarried weeks after my grandmother died. Each of the newlyweds thought the other had money. They were both disappointed and he died in the same year. ?

I dont think anyone is saying all maple leaf, that's why I have had a quick look at the statistics, and although I havent studied them in depth they do indicate more men remarry. It's interesting to look at how societal norms may have led to this.

Aveline

Maybe men look to replace the structure in life that, generally, women provide?

What a lovely way of saying that wives are there as unpaid carers that husbands are not!!

Again I totally agree with you Mapleleaf.

I was 82 when my most wonderful husband died, we were soul mates 51 years married that was 3 years ago .... He had complications with dialysis and became very ill and lots of pain ,, He had looked after me for so many years , now it was my turn to look after him .. He did try to take his own life as he was in such pain , but he told me what he had done taking lots of his tablets ,, I called 999 and two rapid response were on my door step before I could put the phone down ! He always said he could never replace me and if any thing happened to me he would take all his tablets ! Now I have difficulties managing without him and have developed Polymyalgia which was very painful and I am now on steroids ,, the plus for those is it takes all your wrinkles away ! so now I don't look 85 !!! ... The end of this story is that he decided to switch off his dialysis as he was in so much pain and it wasn't working plus he had broken his femour bone ... He was allowed to do this and he lasted 4 days with all our family with him ! He always said I should marry again .. but at 85??? and the memories ? Well stranger things happen !

My husband died suddenly at the age of 67 And I was 63. We had been very close and loving and although I had offers could not contemplate having a relationship or marrying ever again.

My husband died thirteen years ago. We were married for thirty-three years.

There are many reasons why I have never considered remarrying. I had begun to find marriage a real chore and started to look wistfully in estate agency windows, considering which smallish flats I could afford to rent on my teacher's salary. My husband had a strong, emotional dependency on me that I had begun to find quite suffocating. The idea of being retired together and joined at the hip, 24/7, was not appealing, although I doubt if I really would have left him. I'd have felt so guilty, like a mother deserting her child.

I don't want another relationship where that person must be consulted over every decision and informed of where I'm going, and why, every time I leave the house. His death was sudden and tragic but I definitely relish the freedom I have today.

Goodness, as I’ve read more posts I’m amazed at the generalisations and stereotyping written by some. Yes, there are some men who have affairs, mis treat their wives and partners, can’t cope with general domestic living, etc. Equally, there are some women who behave in a similar fashion. But I emphasise the some for both males and females.
It’s silly to say all men can’t mourn, or all men are incapable of 100% commitment or all men love themselves above all else, whereas all women can mourn, don’t have affairs, can cope with the domestic side of life, etc, as this is blatantly untrue. I think what can happen is that some people have certain views as a result of their own experiences in life and therefore feel this must be the truth.
Imagine the uproar if the post had been “Women replace, men mourn”.

When I left my ex-husband, a nasty and controlling man, he was straight on dating sites hunting for my replacement. That was 11 years ago and I have remained on my own and have no interest in another man. I manage very well on my own as I can do most things myself, I had to do it all in my marriage. I think men need someone to look after them, they don't seem to manage very well on their own.

I think men need women much more than they realise until they are not there. When we were young the boys moved from one girl to another always after the better trophy.Most girls looked around and where more wary.
I've know quite a few couples where the men died young and their wiveswho had always acted like a men cool ,calm and calculating found a new husband within a year. One I knew is onto her 5th partner. Ever onwards and upwards, so it's not just men but a certain type of woman as well.
Some people say if you have had one happy marriage you look for another but the incidence of divorce of second marriages are very high.

I am a widow of 22 years, my late husband and I were 'a pair' from 14 years old and I couldn't ever replace what we had. Although I have been happy to have had company to the theatre, meals out etc with a couple of very nice men (1 divorced when wife cheated and 1 a long time friend of both my husband and me - widowed) I have never felt the need or desire to replace my husband. As age creeps up on me I just don't want to end up washing and cooking and possibly caring for someone else. I guess I have become selfish and enjoy doing what I want, when I want and just enjoy my animals. Luckily, because he was away in the Navy for quite long periods, he always made sure I would be able to cope alone in the event anything happened to him. I can understand widows and widowers wanting to partner up again, but it is an individual decision and not always for the right reasons.

My mother was widowed at 58 and always said she'd never remarry. At 86 she met someone (widowed a year) and was very happy with him until she died. But never remarried! I think her partner was very lonely when his wife died. She'd been ill for years and he'd always taken great care of her.

Greenlady102, maybe you have been very lucky in your life and have a husband who is loving, selfless and totally caring towards you. Unfortunately many of us on here have not had that experience and have had marriages to self centered, selfish, controlling, abusive men who have treated us like domestic serfs. These kind of men will never be able to stand on their feet alone, will always move on quickly to the next "victim" who will fulfil their needs and not give a thought about their previous wife. I had a loving wonderful father who loved my mother dearly. After she died, he was incredibly lonely but he also had been used to my mum doing everything for him. I think had he been widowed younger, he would too have moved on. Not for six but so someone could do the domestic duties!!

Lillian44
Your not bitter by any chance, are you? ?

Lillian40, it’s sad if that’s your experience, but it certainly isn’t by any means the same for all of us.

My experience is different. After being divorced for 13 years I quite unexpectedly met a widower who has become my companion.
He lost his wife in traumatic circumstances 10 years ago but is still grabbing life by the horns. He is very independent; involved in lots of voluntary work, goes to the gym, does yoga , has many friends, cooks and looks after himself. He is in his late 60s with his own health issues but doesn’t let them stop him. He has lots of plans!

Lillian40

I totally agree men dont mourn, men are incapable of a hundred percent commitment. After all they love themselves above all else. Millions of men the world over have affairs and break girls hearts simple because they are having the affair to boost there own ego. They like to keep the wife in the background as someone to look after there other needs, thats why they wont LEAVE there wives. One woman for domestic life and one for a lover. This has existed since time began. I have witnessed so many widowers who within a short time are looking for a replacement. Women say men cant cope on there own. In this era with endless gadgets, Microwave's, automatic washing machines, take away meals etc. Of course they can cope, they just pretend they cant to fool vulnerable women, who want to feel needed. A friend of mine married a widower of 11 months, she was a widow 0f 6 years. They have been married 10months and she spends most weekends alone while he plays golf and several evening's while he meets up at his club. She was so naïve its sad. I have been a widow for 24years and never been so happy, my own independence, to come and go as I please. I can spend what I want, the freedom is fantastic. Even my son and daughter have commented that I have been reborn. Men are born self centred and cant see life any other way. I can have men as friends and still retain the freedom and no man controlling my life.

I think....no I KNOW you are wrong! That may be your experience but it doesn't make it a universal truth

I think there are far more female widows than male widowers, and from stories I've read, it's usually a woman who initiates the relationship with the widower, and it often starts with her helping him with household chores like mending and cooking.

My husband left when I was 44. He didn't pass away he went straight to one of his many conquests. I was never tempted to have another one.

I totally agree men dont mourn, men are incapable of a hundred percent commitment. After all they love themselves above all else. Millions of men the world over have affairs and break girls hearts simple because they are having the affair to boost there own ego. They like to keep the wife in the background as someone to look after there other needs, thats why they wont LEAVE there wives. One woman for domestic life and one for a lover. This has existed since time began. I have witnessed so many widowers who within a short time are looking for a replacement. Women say men cant cope on there own. In this era with endless gadgets, Microwave's, automatic washing machines, take away meals etc. Of course they can cope, they just pretend they cant to fool vulnerable women, who want to feel needed. A friend of mine married a widower of 11 months, she was a widow 0f 6 years. They have been married 10months and she spends most weekends alone while he plays golf and several evening's while he meets up at his club. She was so naïve its sad. I have been a widow for 24years and never been so happy, my own independence, to come and go as I please. I can spend what I want, the freedom is fantastic. Even my son and daughter have commented that I have been reborn. Men are born self centred and cant see life any other way. I can have men as friends and still retain the freedom and no man controlling my life.

Idont want to marry again I have freedom now which I never had before