Women mourn, men replace

I was a bit surprised when a man came into the library I worked in and asked if we had any information on tea dances in the area.
His wife had died 2 months earlier and he was looking for a new lady.
My DH died 23 years ago and I have never wanted a replacement. I couldn't imagine being with anyone else.

Wheniwasyourage

Not to be cynical, but if you start another relationship after being widowed, you could lose any rights to your previous spouse's pension (or half-pension if that's what you are getting). This would usually affect women more than men, and might account for some reluctance to make a formal commitment to a new partner.

I knew someone who was caught by this, and the contributions which her first husband had made in order to give her an income in the event of his death (she had stayed at home until the children were teenagers, as was normal at the time) were completely thrown away when she remarried. That seems to me to be both discriminatory and extremely unfair.

Good advice. And also be aware that (at least in England and Wales, I'm sure someone will be along in a minute to complete at least the UK picture) a marriage automatically revokes any existing will.

There’s been quite a lot about this in the media recently as I’m sure some of you have also noticed. The thing that really caught me short was the fact that the mental capacity threshold for getting married is lower than that for writing a will.

My grandmother was widowed when I was very small. When I was was about 4 she remarried. She must have been in her 50s. She and new OH clearly had very different ideas of what this marriage was about - when I was an adult she told me that his "behaviour in bed was a disgrace for a man of his age!"

She had enjoyed his attentions prior to marriage - lots of boxes of chocolates were involved - I remember that very clearly because my brother and I ogled these boxes with anticipation. One day there were two chocs left in the box and we asked her if we could have them - she cut one in half for us and popped the other into her mouth!!

He actually took his own life a couple of years after they married; so it all worked out very badly. Different expectations.

Not to be cynical, but if you start another relationship after being widowed, you could lose any rights to your previous spouse's pension (or half-pension if that's what you are getting). This would usually affect women more than men, and might account for some reluctance to make a formal commitment to a new partner.

I knew someone who was caught by this, and the contributions which her first husband had made in order to give her an income in the event of his death (she had stayed at home until the children were teenagers, as was normal at the time) were completely thrown away when she remarried. That seems to me to be both discriminatory and extremely unfair.

It’s been the opposite in my experience.
I’ve known a few women who married again after their husband died - one woman I worked with had another man lined up months before her poor husband was even dead ( he’d been ill for a while )

My mam never remarried and said there wasn't another man on this earth worth bothering with. Have a lovely man and hope he'll out live me. I don't think some men can cope or manage on their own. One of my friend's husband cannot even boil an egg. Bad training!!! My husband is a good cook, can look after himself and makes better bread than me.

"does his own laundry" maturefloosie I hope he does yours too!
You make marriage sound like a flatshare.
DH died almost a year ago. I cannot imagine life with anyone else.
He may have found someone had it been the other way around
I know someone who in her 80s, after 3 husbands (1 divorce, 2 died) has a nice elderly male companion. She told me I should find one. "Men can be useful and make good travel companions" she said.
Some people need company more than others.

hollysteers

It’s striking how quickly men remarry after being widowed. I see it amongst people I know and in the media.
Without being judgmental, I cannot imagine marrying again five years after my husband died and wonder why our mindsets are so different.
What are your thoughts?

I have a (female) friend who often says that this happens because men who can show that they are able to sustain a long relationship are in short supply.

I'm not sure what it says about either my friend or men...

My mother died suddenly aged 68 and within 3 months my dad was looking at potential replacements. He married a lady the same age as him who he had previously worked with. He was her third husband. I didn’t realise how completely self-centred she was, although I tried my best to be supportive to them both. Even her own daughter made disparaging comments about her.
When he died I tried to help her in whatever way I could, but eventually I cut her out of my life. As PinkCosmos says, a complete nightmare.

I think this is generally correct. As other posters have said, women tend to be more self sufficient whereas men are looking for another housekeeper! I suppose a lot of women will enjoy the freedom of not having a man to look after!

Having said that, my mum was widowed at 71 and she hated being on her own. She ended up marrying a very unsuitable man who thought she had money. The whole thing was an absolute nightmare, especially when she got dementia.

It’s not just men wanting a new partner plenty of women want a partner (some any man) often for economic reasons, it’s hard to live well on an average woman’s wages. Conversely a widow well provided for is less likely to be looking, a friend of mine was widowed at 45, at 70 still attractive, I asked why she had not remarried. The reply, “ although I’ve had a relationships, I’ve never met anyone I wanted to live with”.
Sums it up I guess.

My neighbour had a new girlfriend 3 months after the death of his wife. Within a couple of months she had moved in with him.
What creeps me out is there was no change of furniture,
re-decorating, zero , and its been like that for a few
years now.
How anyone can just move into someone else's bedroom
etc beats me. (The new partner is at least 15/20 years his
junior ) Yuck
The other strange thing is my first neighbour in that house
moved after his wife had died at 60 years of cancer (he
was on his own for a few years after though)
The second neighbour lost his wife at around the same age
to cancer as well.
That creeps me out.

Someone in my family separated from her 27yr long term partner and father of their children he begged her to stay but within 3mths he had a girlfriend and my family member is still very much single 7 yrs later. As others have said men just don’t have the emotional attachment women have.

I can’t think of any of my female friends who would want to remarry if they lost their spouse. That’s not to say they wouldn’t want a relationship again, but dirty socks in the linen bin? Nope.

My dad was widowed with a toddler and a baby. He married my mum a couple of years later. She was a lot younger and has now been on her own for over twenty years but has never sought anyone else.

I suppose, too, that women live longer than men do, so there are more available women than there are men.

*To be honest- as a widow of 4 years standing, the last thing I want is an old man to look after (and I have neither the figure nor the energy for a toy boy!)
Actually however much I moaned about DH he was mine, my other half and you don’t replace that so quickly
He was far from perfect - but then so am I- but I have yet to see his equal*

I agree with that.

Realistically, anyone who might come my way would be old - like me! I have done my bit looking after my OH for many years - it was very hard indeed. I have no desire to do that again. I did my best, but it took a huge toll on me in every possible way.

My OH was very challenging in many ways, but he was a unique character: highly intelligent and learned, very witty (you should have heard his 3 father-of-the-bride speeches!), musical, and loved our girls with all his heart. No-one else could fill his shoes.

That is not to say that I do not feel lonely - but I throw myself into everything that is going and try to be useful to my family.

It would take a very special person to replace my OH.

And I am quite capable of looking after myself, so that is not a problem.

Lots of generalisation on here as Mapleleaf said. I wonder if people who have had a happy marriage are more likely to remarry quickly or if the opposite is true.
I doubt very much if I would remarry ( or if anyone would ask me )

I have known a few men who have hooked. up with surprising haste after the death of their wives.

Both were more mature. One in his 70s had a new ladyfriend within 8 weeks.

However, 2 male friends were tragically widowed in their 30s' , many years ago. Both lost their wives through cancer.

Thirty years on, these guys raised their children and have never dated again. I actually spoke to one recently and he just shrugged his shoulders and said nobody could ever replace his much loved wife.

Maybe age has a lot to do with it?

It's true, I work with counsellors at the local Hospice, and they tell me that the majority of men can't cope without a woman in their lives and rush into relationships within months. Women prefer to work out their grief on their own.

True story: I met a man on a blind date years ago. We got on well and he asked when we could meet up again. I suggested Friday and he said "No, I can't. That's the funeral." I was horrified and didn't see him again.

I would have more cats. I can’t imagine marrying again.
I asked DH his thoughts and he said a definite No. he wouldn’t marry again. I’d never asked him before.

I was quite young when my husband died, and so was he. I had primary school age children. The idea of putting someone else in his place just didn’t seem real to me, and I never did. The boys would have hated it, and I thought they had suffered quite enough with his death.

Must say I can’t imagine ever wanting another man if I were left on my own.
I think I’d probably get a dog (we’ve had them in the past) assuming I was still mobile enough to look after it properly. No need to cook for him/her, no laundry to do, no expectations of nookie, and if it was anything like our last dog, it’d be happy to curl up on the bed and keep me warm. ??

I think men miss the companionship and certain other things!! so that can be why they look for another partner. Women are mostly able to cope better with being on their own. Jamie Redknapp has just remarried and his new wife looks like a younger version of his ex-wife.

My mum died quite young late 60s after a few years my dad remarried to a lady he had known in his young years they met up on a coach trip.
They had 15 or so years of happiness and companionship and she loved him with all her heart and still misses him so much His final years were filled with happiness she looked after him through dementia which changed him and I will always be grateful for her care
She now in her late 80s is lonely and I do my best to care for her in the same way

I lived on my own for 21 years after divorcing but met an old old friend again who had lost his wife a few months before and we decided to move in together much to the judgement of his friends. We are both in our 70's and havn't much time left to be together at our age so we have just got on with enjoying the life we have left - - and have lost a few ' friends ' - but we are happy and I enjoy the companionship and sharing we experience after so many years on my own. I was never looking to marry again or live with anyone as I was very self sufficient - - and my partner was too - he still does all his own laundry and helps with the household chores so he was never looking for a housekeeper - just someone to share his life with. I am happy in my new life so that's all that matters really and our families are happy for us too.