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I am starting to feel selfish....

(21 Posts)
travelsafar Fri 12-Nov-21 17:52:05

I have noticed that since my DH died i have become selfish with my time and the amount of space that i require by myself. I have friends that i need to visit and family too but i just want to stay indoors in my own little bubble. Now is this because i am surrounded by things which remind me of him, is it the medication that i take , is it the chronic pain i have and my failing health that requires peace and quite or is it that i AM becoming selfish now i am on my own???Anyone else recently bereaved had this happen to them.

Zoejory Fri 12-Nov-21 17:54:47

You're not being selfish with your time, you're doing what's right for you.

I'm sure friends and family will understand

Peasblossom Fri 12-Nov-21 17:58:48

I’m not recently bereaved. It was a while ago now. But I would say that you are not becoming selfish, but selffocused and that this is a good and necessary stage in bereavement.

It does moderate, but personally, I have found that discovering what makes a pleasant life for me and no longer constantly being concerned for others has made me more contented.

Shandy57 Fri 12-Nov-21 17:58:56

It is now five years since my husband died and I still feel like this, I am happy with my own company. I don't want any unpleasantness or conflict in my life and will go to great lengths to avoid it. I've recently become involved with a friend's situation and don't agree with how it is being dealt with, and have decided to withdraw.

I am going to see my two best friends in London at the end of the month, but know they are on the same page as me, it will be a positive experience.

Just do whatever makes you feel happy and secure, life is hard alone.

Peasblossom Fri 12-Nov-21 17:59:59

That does sound selfish. I do care about others but I no longer feel so responsible for them.

Nonogran Fri 12-Nov-21 20:45:50

You don’t have to be bereaved to feel exactly as you do!
I’m not bereaved but I am economical with my time meeting up with or spending time with anyone.
I certainly don’t think it’s selfish. I’m enjoying my bubble, sometimes shared with my chap, and feel content with life.

Fleur20 Fri 12-Nov-21 21:19:25

I no longer do anything I don't want just to please others.
I love my own company(!).
I grudge time spent with people I only tolerate.
I don't feel the slightest bit guilty about saying no whenever it suits me.

CafeAuLait Fri 12-Nov-21 21:21:53

I feel this way since bereavement. It's because I just don't have the emotional energy needed to deal with people much.

GagaJo Fri 12-Nov-21 22:24:04

No bereavement here. BUT I love a lot of time on my own. I don't get it, because I don't live alone. But when I have, I've relished it. Just going out among people, not actually with them (everyday stuff, supermarket etc) is enough company for me.

Chewbacca Fri 12-Nov-21 22:36:21

Not bereaved but feel very similar to you travelsafar. I find that if I have a day out with friends, U3A or some other activity, I need the following day on my own, just to be quiet and read, sew or garden. I don't like too many people or activities too often and so space them out to a level that suits me now. We're all different.

Beswitched Fri 12-Nov-21 22:39:55

I'm recently bereaved and I need company more than usual. But if I felt I needed more time to myself I wouldn't feel I was being selfish. I would just feel it was part of my grieving process.

nadateturbe Fri 12-Nov-21 22:46:01

Not bereaved but I have stopped doing thinks because I should, most of the time. I just feel I want to look after me more and do what makes me content. And I love a lot of time alone.

nadateturbe Fri 12-Nov-21 22:46:40

stopped doing things

VANECAM Fri 12-Nov-21 23:01:32

As I have said elsewhere on this website, my preference to be alone has led to an almost hermit like existence.
It wasn’t planned or intended - it just happened.
I have no wish for it to change and for now I am so much more happy in my own company than before.
If others consider me to be selfish, so what!

Hetty58 Sat 13-Nov-21 05:50:43

travelsafar, I lost my husband 25 years ago but was very occupied with my career and children. I've felt a lot like you since retirement, though - and more so since lockdown. I'm perfectly content on my own, enjoy myself and do resent spending too much time with others.

I see it as a positive thing, so there's no guilt. (I've already done my bit, and more, in life.) It's independence and self reliance. I've dropped or changed many things I used to feel duty-bound to do. It's a liberating new phase in my life, my time now, before it's too late.

timetogo2016 Sat 13-Nov-21 10:03:10

I agree with Zoejory.

Luckygirl Sat 13-Nov-21 10:16:19

Today I am taking a train to Cheshire to spend two days with my oldest DD and to hear her choir sing in a concert. HOnestly I feel a jibbering wreck. It is my first "major" venture since OH died last year.

I am very sociable and am part of many different groups that I love - and enjoy the friendship of others involved in them. But ..... I really do rather like to be in my own home when night sets in.....with all my own stuff around me .... a comfortable bed ..... being able to watch what I want and sit and sew. Sliding gently into my dotage!

Germanshepherdsmum Sat 13-Nov-21 10:34:03

I haven’t been bereaved but since retiring I relish spending time at home, doing what I want when I want and only seeing people I genuinely want to see. You’re not being selfish, you’re looking after yourself.

Cs783 Sat 13-Nov-21 10:43:35

I don’t really get how this is ‘selfish’ behaviour, travelsafar. You have a lot to deal with at the moment. Perhaps in time you’ll want more social connection though for your own sake. There’s much to suggest it can be important for our own health and happiness.

Meanwhile do ‘put on your own oxygen mask first’ as the aircraft safety advice has it.

AGAA4 Sat 13-Nov-21 11:19:33

Travelsafar you need time to recover from a bereavement. You are not being selfish and have to do whatever you need to cope.

I was bereaved a long time ago and enjoy alone time as it is healing. You don't have to do anything you don't want to and your friends and family should understand.

DiscoDancer1975 Sat 13-Nov-21 11:56:00

I’m not bereaved either, but totally understand the desire to be alone and do your own thing. Even though we still both have each other, we often are doing different things.

I would say I used to be a party girl, clubbing and socialising. I couldn’t be further away from that now. Love my husband, children, grandchildren, have a few friends who we hardly see for one reason or another. We’re just content, and you sound as if you are too. Nothing wrong with that.