Shared affections

How sad! Poor little boy. A new baby in his house and parents who do unspeakable things to his treasured possession. Just the way to effect him for life! Of course some behaviour is unacceptable and needs to be discouraged but not like this. Don’t think I could stand by and watch. Could you gently explain to them how he might be feeling and how they could manage that differently. Years ago someone described a new baby in the house as similar to if your husband/partner brought another husband / partner to live in the house. How would you feel then they said. Helps to understand the older siblings behaviour.

They are certainly making a rod for their own back treating your GC in this way. He is going to be a mixed up naughty attention seeking child unless they change their ways. The poor little boy.

Hithere

Assumptions are deadly w/o the facts

We all read a different scenario in the join the dots scenario

Here is mine:
The child was given a 15 min warning to stop playing and put the legos away
The child ignored also the 10 and 5 minute warnings

Parents acted accordingly

Legos are supposed to be done and undone all the time - that the nature of construction toys

Why does Lego have to be broken up and put away?
DGS had Lego models he made all round his bedroom.

Do we know this was Lego or were they breaking his toys?

vickya baby brother brought a Tiny Tears doll for his older sister and she used to copy what I was doing with the baby.

Boys can play with dolls too, just as Daddies can look after babies.
The little boy does need to be involved in everything, small children love to be useful.

If I was Maine 52 I’d just gather up my grandson and take him off out for a nice special trip to the toy shop. Let him choose a special present. Then they his mother AND father that you do NOT expect this to be broken by them on any account. In fact I think I’d take him off out every day. And if his mother complained I’d say I was giving her space and time for the new infant
I thought she wanted help and see how she gets on.

It is, I agree.

I am astonished at what you witnessed. Your daughter needs some support. Is there an agency like Homestart where she lives? They are brilliant, non-judgemental, all are experienced mothers themselves.
This is serious, encourage her to get help. there are 'red flags' here. It is not unheard of for parents who behave like this to move on to being physically abusive to the child who has become the family scapegoat, especially when you are not there. They are out of control.
A very good friend of mine who's family have had their share of dramas once said to me " There are times when you need to pull on your strong mothers big knickers and wade in there ". I know you don't want to alienate them and it is rather like walking on eggshells but maybe something to the effect of " I realise that you are exhausted and struggling at the moment, lets see if we can find a solution to make things easier for you before I go home."
A mother and toddler group would help normalize things and maybe you could go with her to help with the children. You could also suggest that each parent has some one on one time with the little boy to make him feel loved and valued again. He is probably working on the principle that 'bad attention is better than no attention'. They are the grown ups, they have the ultimate power in his life and breaking his toys in front of him is cruel and dysfunctional. Please keep us up to date with the situation. I really feel for you.

Very quickly, help can become a burden

Using tears to get your point across is manupulative

Nanny27

I would let my daughter see how distressed her actions are for you as well as your little grandson. Tears can be a great shock when a daughter sees them coming from you! It could make her sit back and realise that her a too s are causing real hurt.

Or it could come across as manipulation and push her over the edge.

We just don’t know.

That said, Purposeful tears solve absolutely nothing.

I would let my daughter see how distressed her actions are for you as well as your little grandson. Tears can be a great shock when a daughter sees them coming from you! It could make her sit back and realise that her a too s are causing real hurt.

I really think you are going to have to talk to both parents together and say while you appreciate this is a trying time they need to think of what their actions are doing to the little boy, explain that distracting him may be a better way forward one of them needs to be there for him and the other can keep an eye on the new born at the end of the day it doesn't need to be nursed continuously even if mum is feeding her she can cuddle him and read to him at the same time dad can take him out for a kick around etc , he needs to learn to live alongside his new sister and they need to learn to parent two children at the same time. I am sure the fact that your daughter asked you come and help means she wants your guidance.

Correct.
I am judging the actions of the parents, because that is all that needs doing, regardless of the situation.
It's an inappropriate way to deal with a small child.

I wonder how the parents would react if their partner moved a new boyfriend/girlfriend into the house? They would feel just as this little boy does, angry, betrayed and excluded, and it might be a good idea to point this out to them.
I have 5 children, and the newest baby always arrived home from the hospital with gifts for its siblings. We got them all involved with the baby, and it's care, and I can't recall having any jealousy problems, even from the one who was only 18 months old when his sister arrived.
I hope that you can sort out this sorry situation with a tactful chat.

That sounds very spiteful to me.
I can’t really believe adult parents could do that to a small child.
How sad.

Older daughter was 22months when her sister was born. Her sister brought a nice Fischer Price clock as a gift for her when she arrived (I musthave had it in my tum with the baby ) I don't think we had problems really. I had a big wooden playpen we'd used for older child, good to learn to walk round, and we began to put the baby in it instead. Kept her safe from sister, just in case And anyway big girls don't go in playpens, it is for babies. My mum made a lot of fuss of older daughter too. Husband was Merchant Navy so I was lone with the new baby and toddler after his leave ended a few weeks after the birth. I think we had more instances later of younger attacking older as she was a more...physical..child. Did kick boxing in later life.

Breaking the child's toys sounds as if mum had a tantrum, not the child.

That are your thoughts about their behaviour, not your theory about what happened that made the parents do that.

You are not joining the dots, you are judging the action of the parents

Here's mine.
Parents acted totally inappropriately like a pair of bullies to a small child, and they should know better how to deal with perfectly normal behaviour.

Assumptions are deadly w/o the facts

We all read a different scenario in the join the dots scenario

Here is mine:
The child was given a 15 min warning to stop playing and put the legos away
The child ignored also the 10 and 5 minute warnings

Parents acted accordingly

Legos are supposed to be done and undone all the time - that the nature of construction toys

Don’t say anything,I know someone who did and was band from the house for years——- could you offer to take the oldest for a few days and cuddle and spoil him while the family settles down a bit ?

Well although I normally say keep your mouth shut I wouldn’t on this occasion That’s cruel destructive and going to make a very damaged, angry, unhappy child who has been taught to destroy things when unhappy
Oh my oh my
Both myself and my children thankfully have always made as much fuss of the older children as the new one and always brought them a present from the new baby

Thank you Calistemon we live and learn (by our mistakes!)

Unless they stop that sort of behaviour he will get worse there was only 22 months between my two, but I made time to spend with my eldest child, when her little brother slept. They must give him time. Where is your SIL can he not help?

I think I would tell my daughter that I'd been doing a bit of research online about why her son is behaving the way he is, and it seems the general consensus, is that he is showing signs of jealousy and feeling left out, so instead of punishing bad behaviour in this sort of situation, it's believed to bring far better results if the older child is made lots of fuss of, and perhaps they might try saying things like, 'lets get this baby fed/bathed/changed, so that Mummy/Daddy and little boy, can have some special time together, doing whatever his favourite activity is', and then make sure they give him a cuddle, while doing it, so that he feels special. Also, suggest asking him to get involved with things like passing nappies, fetching things to help Mum, etc. Also, if it's possible while you're there, suggest that Mummy/Daddy, both if available, collect him from school, perhaps taking him for a special treat, while Nanny looks after the baby. Hope that giving them some information rather than criticising their actions, helps OP.

I took absolutely the same attitude as Lulubelle 500. Our very lively three year old was totally involved with his new sister, even asking my mother to guess what we now have? Answer: "a new baby"! She of course couldn't guess and had to be told, expressing suitable surprise!!! All aspects of baby care was quite laborious but well worth it as he adored his baby sister and she him. I feel so sorry for this little boy, how can his parents be so cruel?!

I find this cruel take the toy away for an appropriate length of time if they must but destroying it in front of him what sort of message do they think they are giving him . How will they deal with him if he starts destructive behaviour with his or even their possessions I would have to say something they are showing destructive behaviour and lack of control themselves