Shared affections

I agree it is cruel and cannot understand their rationale - breaking your grandson's toys will result in him resenting his new brother/sister even more.

Indeed- and yet what can granny do that won't make things even worse. What a very difficult situation.

For some reason, the older child is sidelined when a new baby arrives. This is happening in my family. Just like [Maine], my heart aches for my older grandson. He is constantly being sent to his bedroom. I notice that he breaks into a sob for the slightest reason. He is only 6. But there’s nothing we can do …

One of the TV nannies covered this. A little boy who hit his baby sister, took her toys away etc. and was really horrible. The parents were told to make extra fuss of the boy, give him their time and generally make him feel special. Obviously that stops him feeling the baby has taken his parents away, and that they still care for him. It's the only way, and if they don't start now it will just get worse. The more he is punished or chastised the more he will resent the baby. I'm afraid I can't remember which TV nanny it was, Supernanny Jo Frost or the Three Day Nanny or there was even another one I think.

I would have to say something.
I couldn't stand by and watch a small child being treated like that.

Oh how awful , don’t think I could bear this if was my grandchild. My heart goes out to you . I think your daughter is so very wrong and I know I’d have to say something, please or offended, because I couldn’t stand by and watch this happen .

OP

May I ask how you are aware of this information?
I thought you were in SA and your daughter in Ireland.

You may have witnessed just a little scene that fits a bigger picture.

Jealousy is sadly common between siblings

It's common, but it needs to be dealt with appropriately.

I’m with Miss Adventure, this is cruel. And when/if this little boy begins breaking his own possessions they will wonder why, but worst of all might punish again!
Your daughter has 2 children not just the new arrival, I understand she will be tired, but time for her firstborn is a priority also.

Oh that's dreadful - why on God's earth do they think it is a good idea to BREAK the toy? That is wrong on so many levels, It's spiteful. Your poor grandson. I could not stand by and watch that without comment. I would suggest they change tactics and shower the eldest with love, to reassure him, and point out that destroying his toys is totally unacceptable. I'm blazing just thinking about it ?

I am currently visiting them. I was planning a holiday and my daughter asked my to come earlier as she needed help

MissAdventure

I would have to say something.
I couldn't stand by and watch a small child being treated like that.

I agree. I would have to do something.

I would have to say something too. It's cruel and is only going to make matters worse.

This little boy needs reassurance and lots of love. Involving him is what's needed perhaps being asked to pass things to mum when she's changing the the baby's nappy, sitting with mum during feeding time.

When our youngest was born, we asked everyone who was bringing him a gift to bring a little something for our DS too. It's so important that the older siblings feel included from the outset.

I know your daughter is probably exhausted and stressed, but she is still that little boy's mother and has a duty of care to him. Breaking his toys is harsh and cruel and something he won't forget. I know you find your son in law ruxe6and difficult, but I think you need to speak to your daughter before she and her husband do long term damage to their son.
Their behaviour is very wrong.

Is the the point where a happy caring son gets turned into a angry abusing man.

I would have to say something too.

We made more fuss of our eldest son when baby arrived, even to the point of leaving the baby to cry while we finished a story or whatever we were doing. (Not for too long!)

I could not stand by and do nothing. Your daughter may be tired, but she has your help she is lucky. Some single Mums cope alone.
It is also disgusting behaviour from your son in law as well. I was not a perfect Mother, but I think what they are doing is mentally cruel as well. My ex husband would never collude or engage in that behaviour.

Their actions are not going to help your grandson accept his sibling and cause cause the most awful problems. I couldn’t stand by and not say anything. Why didn’t they prepare him for the baby, the new baby should fit into the family and not push siblings away. This is so wrong on many counts and will cause resentment towards the new baby. Could your grandson come to stay with you so that he can have some special time of his own?

You cannot prepare an older child for a baby
Yes, you can talk about it and explain, but the child will react the way she/he will.
Time will help adjust and this baby is barely 2 months old.

Suggesting for the older child to stay with OP is even a worse idea.

While breaking a toy is not an ideal action amd I very doubt it will help, we are lacking the full context here.

This is such a small snippet of time that screaming "abuse" and "will mark him for life" is an exaggeration - if this the only incident that has happened.
Again, we are missing the bigger picture that may put this in perspective.

I would concentrate on preserving a good relationship with the parents first.
They called OP to help.
OP may bring it up to her daughter in a kind manner, in private, not accusing her of anything.

I was exhausted when my 2nd child arrived and I realise now that my little toddler son aged 2 was somewhat pushed aside though not deliberately. I discussed this with an elderly friend who gave me some advice - albeit too late for me. She said someone she knew, when baby 2 came along, would ask her toddler for help saying things like, "Oh dear, silly me, I can't find the soap to give the baby a bath... could you help me find it please". That way she involved the little boy and he felt important. This could be something to try.

You could ask if they have spoken to their health visitor, assuming they have one, to get some advice on the best way to deal with this. Or you could ask if they have tried any other methods.

What the parents are doing is wrong and quite horrific and it would upset me too. Poor little boy, his world has been turned upside down.
Perhaps you could go about it in the opposite way, instead of telling your DD and SIL what they are doing is wrong, try
musing with your daughter just why he is behaving this way and how to help him. Suggest you buy the book to help them to understand his behaviour and to encourage better behaviour (we all know why but it doesn't seem to have occurred to them!).

My first was a very lively toddler and luckily the second one was a placid baby and I bent over backwards to make sure she was involved.
Even so, there are bound to be twinges of jealousy as the usurped takes up Mummy's time.

Good luck

This is heartbreaking to read. I do hope you can explain to your daughter and son-in-law that they are making things so much worse. I can understand how exhausted and stressed your daughter is but posters have suggested easy little ways to involve your grandson with the new baby. They need to understand that in effect his loving parents have changed into cruel people who break his toys and that their behaviour will, if continued, destroy the family unit and turn your grandson into something very nasty through no fault of his own.

I’m wondering if “break it up in front of him”. Means it’s a Lego or similar that he has built? Surely they wouldn’t destroy a toy.