Shared affections

I was five when baby brother was born. I had an older sister - and a doting dad too (but he was at work a lot). Far from fussing over him, my mother was nearly as disinterested in him as she was with us.

Still, I felt jealous. There was so much we couldn't do, no outings, no noise etc. - plus I was expected to stand and rock the pram (seemingly for ever) as he cried away - and he cried an awful lot.

There was a slope in the garden, away from the house. One day, sick of rocking the blasted pram, I 'accidentally' let go. Off it went, to the very end. Luckily, no harm done, but it demonstrates the danger - when there's no love in the house.

Oh dear, Namsnanny, I'm sorry it turned out as it did; yes, as they say the road to hell is paved with them.

13.27 Calistemon said with the best of intentions I'm quit sure. But I took this approach with catastrophic consequences.
Just be aware everything, however well meaning has consequences.
The path to hell is paved with good intentions.

I was 5 when my sister was born; suddenly all the attention was switched.
They need to include their little boy in everything to do with his sibling, cuddling up with Mum and the baby at feeding time, 'helping' with bathtime, choosing the outfit etc.
What the parents are doing is cruel and they are building up big trouble for later.

I'd have a word with the health visitor (via Reception at gp if you can't find number) if I were you. This can't go on.

But is it our place to join the dots Hithere? Afterall we could get it as wrong g as you seem to think the op has.

We have a very partial and incomplete description of the event.

OP has background info in this board - feeling abandoned by daughter, for example.

There is more involved in this situation that is not mentioned and meets the eye

When parents get it wrong it impacts children forever.
When I was about 6 I had a china tea-set which was my favourite toy, My brother was 4 years younger, a toddler, so I wouldn't let him play with it. My father told me if I didn't share he'd throw it in the bin (similar to breaking it??) and wouldn't listen to my reasons for not sharing. The tea-set was duly thrown in the bin but from that moment on I resented my little brother, was scared of my father and wary of my mother for not intervening.
I'm 67 now and have never forgotten, nor forgiven this incident although as I got older, I did realise that it wasn't my brother's fault and grew up trying to love him and look out for him as best I could.

I've experienced this with a member of my family. Not quite as bad but it was heartbreaking to see the little chap who had been the centre of the universe suddenly stood in a corner with nobody paying him much attention and nobody interested in his paintings and snakes and ladders etc

Breaking toys is an absolute no-no. That could lead to much bigger problems in the future.

I ended up offering to take the older boy to give the parents a rest and this worked well. It gave M&D time to bond with bab y and me and the elder chap had some fine fun.

All is OK now, thankfully. The boys are early teens and still fighting like mad but no favourites !

Bloody awful way to behave
I’d have to say something if it was my grand child

f77ms

MissAdventure

I would have to say something.
I couldn't stand by and watch a small child being treated like that.

Absolutely, i would say something too. That is cruel beyond words. He just needs a lot of love and attention and the behaviour will gradually stop.

Yes, me too.

I did suggest a way upthread, of Maine52 chatting to her DD from the approach of wondering why he is behaving badly, perhaps buying the book she suggested and finding ways to help.

It wouldn't be a good idea to approach from the angle of the parents' doing everything wrong (although they are).

Hello Maine52.
I have thought about this all morning and it breaks my heart to hear how this 5 year is being treated.
This little one needs lots of tender loving care and understanding.
Of course she feels left out and this is having an effect and needs instruction but not as her parents are doing
I am Grandma to 4 children ranging in age from 8 down to 3 in two different families and I have seen how they reacted to a new sibling

What is happening to this little one is bordering on mental abuse.
Ok take the toy away but no way should it be broken ,- what on earth is this little one thinking when this happens.
I feel the parents need counselling.

I will be praying for you all.

MissAdventure

I would have to say something.
I couldn't stand by and watch a small child being treated like that.

Absolutely, i would say something too. That is cruel beyond words. He just needs a lot of love and attention and the behaviour will gradually stop.

This post has me in tears. Of frustration and sadness.
The poor parents just dont get it.
The poor eldest child has no options.
Sorry but its hit home for me.

MissAdventure

I would have to say something.
I couldn't stand by and watch a small child being treated like that.

Exactly, then I was cancelled

Just awful. Can't the parent's figure your GS will associates his sibling with his broken toys and that he/she is causing the situation. The parents really need to waken up and realise they are causing the situation by not giving enough attention to your GS. They should be over praising him if he helps in any way eg fetching items, putting stuff back in place, he needs to be treated as if he is the most important person in the home. I would not be able to ignore the parent's actions. Could you give your GS some special time, doing activities with him to try to make him feel special.

This little boy needs extra love and affection as he is suddenly sidelined . When my daughter had her second baby I was there to help and made sure the elder one had plenty of attention and as a result we have a lovely close relationship not just with him but the younger one too.

When I had my second son I included my first, who was three, in absolutely everything from the time I knew I was pregnant onwards. When his brother was born he was my/his first visitor, he had helped decorate the the new baby's room, picked his first toys and he phoned relatives to tell them the news. When I brought the baby home sometimes doing things for the baby took forever with his 'help', and I felt twice as tired, but it was worth it. The new baby was as much his as mine and my DH. The only stipulation I made was he must never pick him up unless I was there. They're in their forties now, as different as could be, but still as close as when they were little. (Destroying a child's toys in front of him is the cruellest thing I've ever heard. Reading this gave me the same sick feeling I get reading children have been physically abused. Perhaps these parents need reminding who is supposed to be the grownups.)

grandtanteJE65

Oh dear, what a hideous situation!

If you say anything you will probably be accused of interfering and if you say nothing, you will feel horribly guilty.

Not knowing what your relationship with your daughter and son-in-law is like, none of us can really say what you should or should not do.

Who actually breaks the toys? Your daughter or son-in-law, or whichever one of them is present?

Could you speak quietly to either of your grandson's parents when the child is not present?

I would probably say something like

"You probably think I am sticking my nose in your business, but I feel I can't just hold my tongue about this.

All children feel jealous when a new baby arrives. Your five year old son is feeling unloved and insecure and your way of tackling the situation is actually making it worse.

Breaking his toys when he expresses jealousy will only make him hate you all, as he must feel you dislike him to treat him like this.

One of you needs to make time to be with him - doing "big boy things" with him because " we can't do nice big boy things with the baby".

If they are willing to listen to you, suggest too that they involve him in a simple task for the baby. I felt so important at his age because I was allowed to hand Mummy a clean nappy every time she changed my sister's nappy.

My mother divised small tasks I could do - taking the empty feeding bottle out into the kitchen and giving it to the woman who helped in the house , or simply standing it by the sink, handing her not only a clean nappy, but the baby powder as well, helping at bath-time and it didn't matter if I got wet, as I was having a bath the minute my sister was back in her cot. Being allowed to have my bath in the baby bath in front of the Raeburn.

Her attitude was "You're such a good big girl helping Mummy with baby"

Could you suggest something similar to your DD and SIL?

This seems wise to me. I agree with others, even if breaking the toy is just breaking up a Lego construction, it’s cruel.

I remember expressing crossness to my six-year-old when his brother was born and he went back to soiling himself. I wish I hadn’t now. (Happily we do still get on well!)

I think very careful and tactful handling of the situation is needed, as it’s obviously very important to keep a good relationship with your daughter, and she is no doubt feeling very tired and emotional.

I’m sure it would help for your grandson to receive attention from you or his dad.

I understand how you can make matters worse and it's better your daughter is able to turn to you rather than what could happen as she could push you away angrily too and then you will not be able to help. Let her know how how your grandsons behavour is normal and that many children take time adjusting to a new baby (honestly) no matter what her friends may say how their children were wonderful with a their new baby - many are not - jealousy happens. As others have said more loving attention can pay off lots of laughter and silly games to make grandson feel life is still fun with baby. Remind her how good and caring she was with her son before she had the baby but that you understand it takes time for everyone to adjust.

I agree with other posts - this behaviour is cruel and will only fuel resentment of the new baby. When my second grandson was born, the first grandson was aged 2. When they brought the baby home from hospital, a new toy came with him - a gift from the baby to his big brother. Both grandsons are strapping young men now. All other childhood toys are long gone - but not this ‘special’ toy! I remember once, during a clear out, saying what shall we do with this? Eldest grandson (aged about 15 at the time) said ‘keep it - my brother gave me that when he was born’. A seed sewn in a young mind, remains. Your daughter and her husband may do their eldest son lasting harm if they don’t change the way they deal with things.

I'd just have to insist on a talk about this. Not only is it cruel, it will cause further problems. He needs lots of love and affection while he adjusts to the new situation.

As grandtanteJE65 says, small children can be 'Mother's little helper' and receive a lot of praise for it - it worked well with mine.

What your grandson is doing is only natural if he's now feeling overlooked, he's only 6 yrs but what your daughter and SIL did was cruel and vindictive and goodness knows what future effect this will have on granson's development. Imo you should talk to your daughter and SIL asap and tell them how appalling their behaviour was and how it will only make grandson resent new baby even more.

You have to find a way to tackle this. Can you give him your attention while you are there. Tell your daughter you are shocked to see this as you did not do that to her.

Miss Adventure
I would have to say something.
I couldn't stand by and watch a small child being treated like that.
So would I!
This Summer another little DGD arrived, belonging to my DD and a partner who is not the father of DD's other daughter, now aged 7. Every one of us has done our utmost to make sure that the 7 year old feels loved and included. It helps that as we live close by we can give her extra attention.
Astonishing that any parent can think that a 6 year old is in total control of their feelings and that harsh punishments will make this little boy 'behave'.