What can I do about this without confrontation

You certainly should have used Covid as an excuse the past two years and that would have broken the habit. I wouldn't be unkind either but the years roll on and I think you could say that you are letting her know things will be different from next year as you can no longer do all the arrangements of past years. I wonder if she has made it a habit out of a fear of being alone, very difficult for you all, I reckon your daughter is very good to entertain her.

Why do people start threads and then disappear?

I can just see my parents in this situation, with a certain friend of the family. They would have enjoyed her company, not have wanted to upset her, but would have struggled with the cost. I think they would have eventually have had to admit they could not cope with visitors any more. Maybe they would have had to ask me to convey the message, then it would be up to me whether I extended an invitation to her.

So where’s the OP then? Is she real?

I wouldn't be unkind to her. She may just, as others have said, be socially unaware and have no idea how she is coming across.

You know her better than we do. Would she respond to some tactful hints? Or do you need to be more honest with her?

Does her presence ruin your Christmas? And if so, has she somewhere else to go? Or is she OK company, but just needs to pull her weight more?

I'm amazed that you've put up with it all this time. Some of us haven't even celebrated with family, for two years, due to Covid risks. Make sure that you tell her, firmly, that you're eating out next year - and it's family only. If she turns up - don't answer the door.

When we were young (1st husband) a certain 'Tony and Bernadette' arrived, every single Thursday, settled in, had dinner - and watched TV, but hardly spoke to us, just to each other.

We heard from friends that they had visiting habits elsewhere for all the other weekdays, too. No shopping and lower bills for them. They never brought anything or invited us back. Talk about taking the p!

One Thursday, we just went out, to the local cafe. Sure enough, they soon turned up too. We stopped answering the door to them eventually.

Ask " Could we all come to you next Christmas for a change please? I would like a year off"

My parents hosted their long time friends - twins - for Christmas Day every year of my life and right up until my Mum became unfit due to terminal cancer. They never contributed a thing, although they did bring small gifts - it was just accepted that they'd be there. They were extremely good company, mind you - very witty and good story tellers, so perhaps that was their contribution.

I think what I'm trying to say is that traditions build up and soon become the norm - though I'm certain the twins wouldn't have expected to be included if Mum and Dad were coming to mine or my brother's homes for Christmas.

So, like other posters have said, maybe she's just socially clueless. And also maybe she is so self-absorbed that if she's comfortably off she simply assumes it's the same for you and hasn't ever given a thought to the cost of hosting her.

If I had this problem, I'd take the previously suggested route of saying that now you're older, you've decided to have small family only Christmases and you know she'll understand.

Good luck!

I would tell her now that she will have to make her own arrangements next year as your AC have decided that they are taking you some where special, as a surprise. Leave it at that, at least you won't have to spend all year thinking about it.

I'm reminded of the saying

'If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got'.

To be brutally frank, if you want things to change, you have to change your own behaviour. You have to speak up.

Your friend isn't asking a closed question - i.e can I come for Christmas dinner? - to which you could reply yes or no. She's taking you for granted.

Don't wait until next Christmas to resolve this situation, tackle it the very next time you see her.

Decide beforehand what you and your children want - do you want her to stop coming altogether, contribute to costs and/or help more?

Having plucked up courage to tell her, do not weaken and compromise, it's not negotiable. If she has a modicum of sensitivity, she'll take the hint. If you lose her friendship over this, well, she wasn't much of a friend, was she?

GagaJo

I like a passive aggressive approach to things like this.

Make plans to go elsewhere. Somewhere she isn't invited to. And then let her know you're pre-booked, busy and apologise profusely about her not being invited.

DO NOT hint in anyway that you could wangle her an invite or try to include her. It's important not to weaken.

That just seems unkind, which is often what a passive /aggressive approach is!

I think you need to decide what the problem actually is:

Her attendance or

Her lack of contribution or

Her thoughtlessness/assumptions or

Something else?

Once you are clear which it is, or if it is all of them, sit down and discuss the problem/s with her!!

On the face it your friend is a free loader, but you have enabled this.
Does your friend do things for you throughout the year you have not told us about,as what you have described is unbelievable.

Oh my goodness which part of NO won’t she understand? As a contributor further up has said “she’s taking the pi*s.”
After all these years she probably thinks herself “family” so it could be a tough turnaround.
I’d strike while the iron is hot right now and tell her you can’t cope with extra people at your Christmas table anymore. Sorry friend, you need to make alternative arrangements.
Practice in front of a mirror to get used to the sound of your own voice saying the words. You’ll be fine.

I like a passive aggressive approach to things like this.

Make plans to go elsewhere. Somewhere she isn't invited to. And then let her know you're pre-booked, busy and apologise profusely about her not being invited.

DO NOT hint in anyway that you could wangle her an invite or try to include her. It's important not to weaken.

It's unlikely that your friend is downright selfish. I agree with Smileless she is socially unaware. You need to put the facts on the table for her benefit, let alone for your benefit.

Your only question should be "can I say it calmly and dispassionately?"

Be blunt & say something like, well that was another great Christmas wasn't it, why don't we come to you next year for a change, we could do with a break & change of scenery. Then stick to that line every time the subject comes up, don't budge. If she's a good friend she'll take it on board and do it.

Surprised your friend was able to come last Christmas given the covid restrictions in place.

I have been on GN since shortly after it started and never cease to be amazed at the state people let things get without ever saying something, but this one really takes the biscuit.

Whatever you do or say, she is going to be affronted/upset/furious/ or whatever other emotion occurs to you. The parting is certainly not going to be gracious. You should have said something 25 years ago. Now, however you do it, it will be a mess.

On the other side she may have thought you were the ones that tied her to spending every Christmas with you and when you tell her she may cheer and run pff laughing as she will be so glad that at last she can spend Christmas with other friends.

Hello OP, are you still there?

She’s a taker, but you’ve enabled it. WHY?!! I would have said ‘ sorry, you’re not invited’, the first year. What made her think she was? I just don’t get this at all.

If she’s been a long standing friend, I can understand how she’s been included in your Christmas Day do, but not how she’s always tagged onto your childrens. Is she their godmother or similar? I can just imagine my DS’s reaction if one of my friends invited themselves to Christmas at his house.

As others have said, you need to decide whether you really want her to come, or not in future, and under what terms.

Then be brave.

As my late grandmother would have said "do you have mug written across your forehead"? Why have you allowed this to happen for 30 years?! It's time to speak up. She really is taking you for a fool.

You could either:-

Say that she can no longer come

Say that next year is by contributions and she will be informed closer to the time what she is allocated to bring, rather like the American concept of PotLuck or American Supper - apologies if I've misunderstood.

Say nothing, let her show up and moan about the quality of the food/drinks and then tell her if she wants better quality she can go somewhere else.

Tell her in the Autumn that you're all descending on her home next year as it's time she stepped up to the plate.

Decide whether you want her to continue to come for Christmas and contribute, or whether you don't want her to come at all.
If it is the former, suggest now that if she is coming next year she can bring all the nice things from M & S, as you find it impossible to do all the shopping you used to do.
Amazing that she has accepted your hospitality all these years without feeling the need to contribute, but some people are like that. (see thread about adult children.)

Can’t think of anything new to add, lots of good advice on the thread.
Sometimes even good friends can take things for granted a little too much.
In the end it comes down to two things, if you don’t want to have a Christmas without her ( for any reason) then ask for definite contributions to the food and wine, but if you are fed up with sharing Christmas with her then say so ( in a diplomatic way.)