Worried about husband

Daffydilly People can suffer from undiagnosed low level depression for many years. I think as has been said a gp appointment would be helpful provided your dh agreed.

In the meantime look after yourself, keep in touch with friends, join groups which interest you and keep you active and bring you joy. My best wishes fir a better new year.

Could you try small steps like suggesting you have a twenty minute walk together each day? Have you stopped buying biscuits/ snacks/ sweets/ cakes etc? You also need to concentrate on having good times yourself even if it means going out without DH. Good luck.

Thank you all for your replies.

Silverlining, I've wondered about him being depressed but have come to the conclusion that if he is, then he's been depressed for the last 18 years, since I've known him. He's always made the comment about when your number's called, I think he uses it as a conversation closer! As for bariatric surgery making it impossible to overeat, that's kinda true, but it's possible to gradually increase the volume until you're practically back to before the op. A lot also depends on exactly which op is had.

AGAA4. I thought he really wanted to, surely nobody goes through that if they don't really want to be healthier? It was all his own idea, I was very opposed to him having the op but had to support him in the end. I've told him how I feel, he either jokes around, which makes me upset as I feel he's not taking me seriously, or we argue (sometimes both).

Smileless2012 That's the big thing that worried me about the surgery, there seemed to be very little counselling. I know he has food issues, the product (I feel) of a autocratic, very controlling father and a mother who is an amazing cook. He had to eat everything on his plate or else and it was all good, delicious food so he didn't learn to his own body telling him when he'd had enough.

Grandmafrench I could write a book in response to you. You've absolutely got the nail on the head with how I feel. He has around 10 years until retirement, same as me. We both work full time, reasonable hours in jobs we enjoy and are good at. We're not rich but we don't struggle, either. His leisure time is spent watching TV. We usually have a nice holiday every year, pre covid anyway. I was thinking earlier how I'd feel if he died. I'd struggle to grieve because I'd be so bloody angry.

Luckygirl3 I think I am going to take your advice and concentrate on myself and my own physical and mental health. Maybe I can lead by example.

threexnanny Ooh, brutal but true. I wonder how much of a future we have.

Thanks again to you all. Much love. X

Sounds like an extreme case of what I face. DH had a heart attack and bypass last year followed by a hospital-acquired infection that nearly killed him. He had lost three of the six stone he needed to lose, ideally, by the time he was discharged from hospital. I thought it would be a real stimulus to lose the other three stone. Instead he has put most of the three stone back on.

I am actually puzzled by how much he has put on, because he is quite active. Within weeks of coming home, he had the builders in to start on our delayed extension and since he was, designer, projecct manager etc etc. Within weeks he was climbing ladders to look at progress, putting up gutters etc even though he has been left with repiratory problems and cannot wear a mask. He does snack, mainly cheese and jelly babies, but not excessively, and he gets portion controlled healthy meals, because I am, and want to stay, a healthy weight.

Your DH's excess sleeping may be caused by 'sleep apnoea'. This caused by fat round the neck blocking the airways to the throat, so that he keeps having microwakes when he has to gasp for air, which means he is actually getting very little sleep a night may be as little as 30 seconds at a time.

DH was diagnosed with this some years before his heart attack and had/has to wear a special mask at night that pumps air into his airway to keep it open. His weight loss cured the problem. His weight gain has brought it back.

However, if you can, get your DH to see a doctor and ask to be tested for sleep apnoea. DH was sleeping all day before he got the mask. After one night with the mask, he woke at 7.00am and didn't sleep all day.

If he has that problem, and he seems to have all the symptoms, then just getting that sorted so that he gets a good nights sleep may make a lot of difference to his attitude to life, exercise, and eating.

I so sympathise with you, there is nothing we can do. DH knows how I feel, but I have given up saying anything.

I also thought that bariatric surgery made it virtually impossible to eat to excess - eat the wrong things yes, but to excess no. How has this come about?

I can see why he might feel fatalistic as he has had heroic last-ditch surgery (from which he nearly died) and still the problem persists. He probably thinks well what the hell? ... I might as well eat as I want and take the consequences.

I do not think you will get anywhere with this by concentrating on his health; but maybe give that up and just focus on your needs ... tell him how hard it will be for you on your own if he causes his own life to end. If he does not care about himself, then maybe he can be persuaded to consider what it is doing to you.

Agree with all that's been said above. You must realise this is your life too. He has decided the future for both of you without consulting you.

What a sad person he has become, Daffy. Wonder why he opted for surgery if his problems with food are such that he has totally given up on anything now except eating (working) and sleeping.

I don't know how long it will be before he retires but your chances of a happy retirement together aren't looking good are they? Maybe it's time you asked him to tell you exactly what he lives for? It appears that he is not just waiting for his 'number' to come up - it's more than a fatalistic approach - more as if he's recklessly encouraging further ill health. Just as long as he can EAT.

And you are already becoming his carer. What sort of life do you envisage when someone you care for is selfish enough to feel that destroying his own health is acceptable?

I think I would want to have a very serious talk and, if that's refused, then I would arrange to take myself off somewhere until he was ready for that. No more chasing up medication, worrying about appointments, preparing meals for him to overeat, running a home single handedly, feeling alone - whilst he sleeps. You're giving him and this life your best shot because you care, whilst he is really making a fool of you. If he is not willing to speak to his Doctor about his 'problem' - because he really does have a problem, then he should be considering getting some professional help and getting to the bottom of why his life is like this. You say you had good times. There may be a reason why he has become like he is; it may be something he doesn't want to face up to, but someone needs to get to the bottom of this before his health deteriorates and his disability affects every aspect of his life. (And your life.)

If he has no interest in getting back to how he was following surgery, no interest in a happy life with activities shared with his Wife, then you need to know this so that you're able to face up to the realities of that and make some hard decisions yourself.

However hard, don't leave it. He might be happy with that decision but your life is worth so much more than that.

Yes...agree silverlining. It sounds very much like depression. I really feel for you. If it were me, I’d go and talk to my GP....even if it’s not his own GP, to get you kick started.

It sounds like you’ve got a good foundation from which to start. Hope you can sort something out.?

Hi Daffydilly I don't have any advice I'm afraid but wanted to acknowledge your post.

Several years ago I had a friend who was morbidly obese and eventually agreed to have some counselling. I remember her saying that she'd been told that eating to excess can be due to trying to fill a void in one's life. Something is missing or has been lost, the space left needs to be filled and is often filled with food.

I wonder if your husband had any counselling/therapy before his surgery as I think this is often the case, to try and identify any possible psychological reason for eating to excess.

If he had, would this be something he would consider again?

If this is not something he will do, perhaps some for yourself may help your understandable feelings of loneliness, sadness and frustration.

He will have to want to lose weight, exercise and improve his diet. Nobody can do that for him.

Have you told him how lonely you feel and that you would be devastated to lose him.
If he sees how unhappy you are that could make him want to live a healthier life.
Good luck. I can see how hard this is for you.

How sad after all that input he is putting weight back on. I thought that bariatric surgery means eating in excess is physically impossible.
Do you think he might be depressed. The statement about when time is up sounds as if he could be.
It must be very frustrating for you, other than seeking medical advice I have none, but what a waste.