Adoption, finding children, new thread.

I am adopted.lnthink you have to be very careful what you wish for when you go searching.
My story had a very unhappy ending. She told me l was a product of a rape, which proved to be untrue. She had told her fiance this, who she later married and had 3 children by.
Her mother and brother told me the truth. They were lovely people.
I only met her once and that was more than enough, totally self centred.
I was very lucky as l did have wonderful adoptive parents, who showered me with love.
I didn't look for BM until after they had passed away.

Both my adopted nephews have now found their birth mothers, one via facebook, the other through a search company.
I think they are both a little more satisfied but have no intention of forming any sort of relationship. I think they wanted to know who their birth fathers were but I don't think they discovered that. One has, however found a friendly half sibling.
One nephew has a DS with bright red hair - on meeting the birthmother, he saw where it came from!.

I was adopted, and two of my grandchildren are adopted, so it's a subject of great interest to me. it's very complicated and emotional when we find our birth family, and sometimes not successful. It really can be a case of "Be careful what you wish for". But there are sucess stories, of course.

I also met someone who was adopted into a middle class family.
Given a lovely life, educated and became a respected member of a profession, married a man with the same background, very happy, two very successful children.
Met her very large birth family, very different background who treated her like a cash cow.
She found it very difficult to deal with and had absolutely nothing in common with them.
She eventually let it taper off.
Be careful what you wish for sometimes.
Having said that I am very happy for all concerned when it works.

I was raised by my grandparents. My mother left me with them when I was 2/3 years old to start a new life in the USA. I never knew my father but managed to track him down when I was 27. He was American and also living in the USA. A couple of years later I travelled to America to meet him but we just didn't connect and I felt absolutely nothing for him. I think he "felt" the same. We broke off contact shortly afterwards. I am so pleased that I found him. It laid so many ghosts to rest for me and helped me to move forward in my life. I do agree though, the media sugar coat these things.

DiscoDancer1975 Your Mum could not have looked for you until 2005.
It was impossible to get information on legal adoptions until the law change.

My cousin is adopted.
She found her birth mother when she was in her 40’s.
She also discovered she had two half sisters.
The relationship with BM was not happy but one of the sisters became a good friend, the other didn’t want to know.
Perhaps best left alone, especially if the adoption was a good one which in my cousin’s case it was.

I imagine it is like opening a can of worms! and needs very careful handling. People are not simply meeting birth parents they are being exposed to the whole family!! If an adopted person has had loving / caring parents and as an adult is filled with happy childhood memories - perhaps that should be sufficient? Although I understand the need to find roots , but not convinced it is worth the risk .

I was adopted, and was under the impression my real mum could have looked for me once I was 18. She didn’t.

My husband found the family 12 years ago, but sadly, my mum had died, but I was able to meet her sister and cousins. Also helpful, as I found out useful medical information.

I felt they wanted to embrace me into their family, but I just couldn’t. They were basically strangers. It was my mum I would have liked to meet, but that ship had sailed.

My adoptive mother and I were never close. In fact we ended up being estranged.

Some reunion stories are good....some not. That’s just life isn’t it?

I was adopted Oopsadaisy and still can't understand it.

I don’t think that any of us can understand why an adopted person would think that their life would be complete on finding their birth parent(s) unless we were in that position.

A family member found out not long ago that her father had adopted her, she was absolutely devastated about it, he died not long after and she never confronted her Mother, but never forgave her, however she did a DNA test, put it onto Ancestry and was contacted by a very close family member in the USA, sadly her birth Father was long dead, but she had half sisters and brothers.
That was enough for her. She didn’t want to stay in touch with them ( she is in her late 70s) but she was very sad about the Father.
Although I have to say that her adopted Father absolutely doted on her and she was definitely their favourite child.

Unfortunately such reunions are portrayed in the media as successful, heart wrenching etc. Frequently the opposite is true. I think people need to be clear about their motives for seeking out birth parents/children. Personally I don't understand how someone can fall into the arms of a complete stranger and say their life is now complete.

My husband was adopted. He did track down his birth mother very easily, an unusual surname. He wrote to her and he received a phone call from her husband asking us not to contact again. He said he was acting on her behalf. I often wonder if he actually was? too late now as my husband kept a sort of track on her. She died some years later.

You have started an interesting thread Sago. I don't have experience of adoption so in no position to submit an opinion. However I can understand how being reunited may cause many emotions that are difficult to manage. Hope you are all ok.